LeroyJr413: Hi

Dear Jack,

Ok so things yesterday ended differently than I expected. I’ll give you the basics. I walked into the room and saw “Hi” from Daniel on my away message board. Here is a snit bit of what was said... the part that I feel is important. I only fudged to him a little by slightly exaggerating the relationship between Mauro and I (but I really didn’t fudge too badly or inaccurately).

Session Start [AIM - yorkshirewolf82 (Chap Dy): LeroyJr413 (Daniel Wthrll)]: Thu Sep 25 00:41:24 2003
LeroyJr413: there is one thing i want to get off my chest
yorkshirewolf82: feel free
LeroyJr413: i feel we havent always been honest about our emotions and havent always handled our emotions to the best degree that we can. but the thing is i cant stand being angry/frustrated at someone and so if at all possible can we start over as friends
yorkshirewolf82: I would love to
LeroyJr413: i realize we have had our share of bitching and complaining towards each other but i know that when i bitch and complain it not only hurts the person who i am talking to but also hurts me. i'm cursed with having a good heart
yorkshirewolf82: and I also want to apologize for not being honest with you and for ever pushing you or pressuring you and not respecting you. I so want to just start over as friends too.
yorkshirewolf82: you do have a good heart and I know what you mean cause I do the same thing too (the bitching and stuff... although I'm definitely getting better with treatment (something not many know about))
yorkshirewolf82: If you are willing to start anew, I'm more than willing. You are a great person and have always been a dear friend.
LeroyJr413: I definitly can do with as many friends I can get
yorkshirewolf82: ;-) you've never lost one here
LeroyJr413: but to be straight out from the beginning and with no confusion my feelings for you are strictly plutonic.
yorkshirewolf82: the same for me to you... I'm well over the romantic stuff I felt in the Spring.

We ended up talking for a good while afterwards. I think things will go well. I will continue to keep the situation and him in my prayers. I am hopeful of a good friendship though. And I can honestly say I am over him romantically now. That’s the thing that makes me feel the best. I still worry for the boy, but at least now I know what’s going on.

Afterwards I described the situation to Caleb and told him that I told Daniel “Fuck No!” and then I preceded to ask Caleb if that was the best decision. He said, “well that was a surprising one at least. Umm... well there would be less stress.” Kevin was aware of the real situation and played along. Sometimes I can be a real ass. But I told Caleb the truth.

After that Kevin and I had a little one on one. We talked about a lot of things going on in our lives. I revealed to him, to Dani, and to Joy something that I am now going to type. If this is ever printed out, I will black out this area. I told them about the sexual nature of Daniel and my relationship. The full extent including the last night he and I stayed with each other. I fear going in detail for fear that one day this diary may be found and used against me. I still consider myself a virgin regardless as I have always just been a giver and never a receiver. Kevin is the only of my close friends here that is admittedly not a virgin. But we have this in common and we have a new understanding because of this. I hope this friendship too will grow and strengthen. All I can do is try my best and pray.

This week is choir retreat. I look forward to it greatly. It will be nice to get away from here, not that PC is bad, but I just need something different. We will be staying in a motel. I am not sure what exactly will be the rooming situation. I can always day dream about rooming with a freshman and getting to know them better. Not sexually... but if there is one who is gay (and I have my opinion), then I would like to have a chance to talk to them and maybe we can be at least supportive friends. Andrew C. seems to most people to be gay. I don’t know if he is, as it is all stereotypes, but I would like to get a chance to talk to him one on one about it. I do realize but don’t care that it is not any of my business. It would have been nice if someone had tried to do that for me, and I want to try and start this.

Well I should get back to work. Oh by the way, I have lost weight. I can feel indentions in my ass where my muscles are forming better. Also I noticed the same contouring in my legs. Speaking of legs... I have to dress up in a freaking dress for Ms. Catawba. I do not like the idea of cross-dressing and the fact that I’m gay, and out makes me even more uncomfortable with the situation. Still the girls of Alpha Psi Omega say they will give me full help. And damn it I need it. I may be sensitive, but I don’t act or move like a girl. And I don’t relate to being a girl. I like to think of myself as manly. I don’t want to be some Nellie-bottom guy. I want to loose more weight, and put on some curves like abs and tight ass. Speaking of which Mauro likes my ass. I am not sure if he’s smoking something, serious, or just completely deprived. I don’t mind him liking my ass though. It at least makes me feel wanted by someone sexually. I see me being almost in a reverse role from me and Daniel last year. This could be good, and it could be bad. Luckily I’m not as big of a fuckwit as he was. Well that’s not fair to Daniel. He was going between sexualities and trying to find himself... so he’s excused. I know what I am and damn it I want to live it up (well a little... I’m still a prude). Luckily God’s still working on me... and I have loyal friends who are praying for me.

ARGGG

Dear Jack,

So much has happened since my last journal entry. It is hard to know where to begin.

I guess the first thing to get off my chest is what I’ve learned about Daniel from Mellanie. She did some inquiring for me to him. It turns out that he doesn’t want to talk to me because, I “tried to turn [him] gay last year, and I didn’t feel he respected me.” I find this somewhat amusing yet sad for him. Every time he and I did something "gay", I always made sure it was what he wanted, that he initiated it. I must admit that I did tell him to never give up, but always to search for his sexuality, but that was because he was not content with being a bisexual. I guess that sort of read the wrong way for him.

In a conversation with Dani, I learned that he referred to me as not respecting him also. She inquired as to an instance. He fudged the story a little, but I recall it. Somehow he and I were discussing the choir tour and whether or not I was rooming with him. I got a little upset and he left the room. I didn’t know where he was going or why he was going so I followed him and went with him into his room. He then refused to speak to me. I did not know what I had done wrong nor understand why he was treating me this way. I begged him to tell me what I did wrong. He said nothing. (He reported to Dani that he asked me to leave, but I don’t recall that). I began to cry as I was really hurt. (He told Dani I was manipulating him with my tears... I can see that, but it wasn’t my intention). I got very angry at one point and punched him in his back. He told me at the time it didn’t hurt. Apparently it did, as he has not let go of it, and told her. I was out of line for doing that. I should never have done it, and do not understand why I did. I agree wholeheartedly that I disrespected him there. And looking back I’m sure I did it more too. In my defense I was very supportive throughout the relationship, especially if he ever was sick or needed some type of attention. I didn’t respect his wishes to be left alone at times. This must be what he means. I don’t know, as he has me blocked.

I will continue to keep him in my prayers, as I still love him as a brother. I worry about his stress. It amazes me to learn that he is the President of Westminster Fellowship at his college, and that he is apart of the SGA there. I am so proud that he finally has gotten involved. I think he is much better off there. Yet I hear from Dani that he still feels depressed and still suffers from low self-esteem. I wish that I could share with him how wonderful he is. He’ll never see it or hear it from me I guess.

Ok for other news, other than the same-old-same old with Daniel W.. Daniel T. is a cool freshman. I found out that he broke up with his girlfriend. He seems to be taking it pretty well. He is very social able, more so than before. I think he feels more at ease. I still wonder of his sexuality (for my own personal reasons). I know it shouldn’t matter, but still, as a gay guy looking, I’m curious. I am also curious about Andrew C.’s also, as he seems to exhibit homosexual tendencies too. I don’t think anything with come of it, but who knows. I can always hope.

Speaking of break ups, Heather and Whilden broke up. They were dating for like six months. On the day after the break up, Heather asked me to check on Whilden. It is wonderful to see that she still cares for him, and I wish all broken relationships could be smoothed over as theirs has been.

I did do something on Friday that I didn’t expect I’d ever do. I went on a date. I don’t call it a real date, but I’m told I should because the dude paid for me. His name is Robert and he’s from Laurens. I met him online, and he seems pretty nice. We went to see Cold Creek Manor. That was a horrid movie. Afterwords we went to T. G. I. Fridays with his friends. I was the youngest person at 21, he was 24, and the rest were in their thirties. All of them were dating except he and I and another dude. I didn’t feel completely uncomfortable other than being extremely young. It was nice to see gay couples though, and to interact with them. Afterwords he came back to the apartment and met the gang.

They seemed to like him also. Now the reason I don’t call it a date is because he is taken. His boyfriend of a long time is in Iraq. His name is Lee. Now I don’t know exactly the details of their current status, other than they are in constant communication with each other, and Robert visits his “in-laws” every other week. Robert plans on helping me meet more men. I don’t know how it will go, but I’m positive. The next day he came over and we all ate chili. I made the chili of course... caused me to get diarrhea the next day. He didn’t eat any.. had previously eaten. Kevin and Caleb wanted to watch Apocalypse Now and we didn’t so we went for a walk around campus. I introduced him to Scary Karen. Scary Karen just got back from home-bound suicide watch. She is rather eccentric. I can’t blame her as she has ADHD, Bi-Polar, and OCD on top of being bi-sexual. The two of them hit it off. I bet they’ll be better friends than I could be with either of them. I think that’s good though. Both need friends like themselves.

On Sunday I went on another date with a dude named Mauro. He is from Mexico but lives in Greenville. He is 20, which is a little closer to my age. We have a little more in common, although I am still not certain on his religious beliefs. He seems extremely interested in me, but I’m only half-way interested in him. A few things scared me about him, he seems too enthusiastic about me. Anyways we went to Greenville and ate at Ruby Tuesdays and then walked around the downtown Greenville area. His friends Greg and Betsey went with us. They ended up giving us some time to get to know each other a little better. It was a very good date by all standards. The next day he had several messages for me asking how my day was and stuff of that nature. He also made a comment that sort of awkward me out. “I don’t know what it would be like to be a preachers’ wife.” Well I was discussing a possible second date... and he was talking a full fledged relationship.

As it stands I think I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. I want the benefits like cuddling, but I don’t want the bull shit of having to deal with me not being good enough for someone. I want to be fucking pleased this time too!!! I want to see what it’s all about, not just give, although at this point I’d like to do that too.

Boots :-(

Dear Jack,

Well I just got a note from Mom and Dad saying that they had to euthanise Boots this morning. The idea hasn’t exactly set in yet. I guess not having Boots with me here has sort of deadened me to feeling what I would feel if I was in Georgia.

Dani became a US citizen on Thursday. That was cool. She’s very proud of it. She’s throwing us a party to celebrate her new citizenship tonight. I’m a little anxious as there are going to be a lot of people there and Kevin is bringing alcohol. Kevin and I aren’t getting along greatly. He annoys the hell out of me for the most part, and I am sure I do the same for him. I almost want to just cut ties with the dude as a friend. I don’t trust him for the most part, and I find him almost disgusting in another part. He has become rather uncouth and talks about big-titted women a lot. With his behavior on other nights when he drinks, I just don’t feel comfortable around him. He feels he should drink most of the time, and that makes me uncomfortable also. Anytime we go to eat anywhere he has to have alcohol and even at this party for Dani, well he wants to bring some beer. I miss the days when people could have fun without alcohol.

All in all, today I don’t feel too chipper. I don’t know if it’s a combination of things, but it probably comes from Boots being gone. I know I’ll miss him. He was the most loving cat I’ve ever had.

Opening Convocation

Dear Jack,

Today was Opening Convocation. I had class at 9AM and then met Caleb, Kevin, Audra, and Karen at Belk Auditorium to line up for the Senior Class procession. We had to wear coats and ties which was really inconvenient. I was rather upset to find that half the seniors did not come, and a good portion of those that did come did not wear a coat and tie. I wish people would just suck it up sometimes and go with the flow. We processed in to “Highland Cathedral” on the bagpipes. From there I sat next to Will Perry in the choir. We had to change into robes behind stage and then take our seats. Dani, who is the Honor Council chair gave a very good speech. She had been extremely worried about it. She made me proud as a friend. Dr. Griffith’s speech was too long. It did have a few good points, but left out something that sort of upset me. He mentioned how we needed to discuss diversity, and then he mentioned the organizations which helped with that. He left out Spectrum. Normally I wouldn’t say anything, except that I am now the president of it. Who’d of thought that I would end up being the president of the Gay-Straight club??? It’s amazing how things change.

After the Convocation we had choir to sight read a song... great use of our time. I then did lunch with Kevin, and two freshmen, Lewis and Daniel. I am weary as I have too many friends named Daniel, and as I’ve told you before, my last Daniel is an asshole. Lewis is a pretty cool dude. He will have some problems as he is a flamer and denies being gay. Thus he will be the victim of rumors and gossip whether he wants it or not. He’s a Methodist and has made my flat one of his places to hang out. Daniel is a vocal major who seems extremely open. He too may have some problems as he tends to be effeminate also. It hurts me that straight people who are effeminate get such a hassle when I myself who am straight acting won’t get half of what crap they get.

After lunch I came back to the flat and felt my stomach turn. I raced to the bathroom just in time to loose my lunch. I took some Pepto-Bismol and headed to my bed. Around 5:10 I came out to go to dinner with Caleb and Kevin. We ate with Dani, Mo, Audra, and William Brst. After that I hung out with Dani and Mo until around 9. I came back to my room to begin work. I got side tracked making an email list for Spectrum. Then I got into a conversation with one of my friends, Tyler Bennett. He’s someone who also tends to get flack for appearing gay. It is strange that I have so many friends that get slack for being gay when they themselves do not claim to be gay. Tyler’s pretty cool with it though, and doesn’t let the rumors hurt him. Regardless he’d get rumors cause he is open to people who are gay and has very liberal views about the issue.

Around 11 Ali Rssll invited me to her apartment for some cookies and a chat. It was nice to catch up and see how things are going with her. She is going through a similar problem with her ex-boyfriend. The biggest similarity is that we are both going through cuddle-withdrawal. Also our time is now freed up to do other things rather than be in a relationship. She is one of my sorority girl friends. This is rare as I’m not a big go and meet person with the Greek system. But she and her roommates are real cool and they’ve invited me to a little Pimms party next week.

I came back here and decided to approach Jeff Sh. online. Earlier this year Christina R. told me about her summer. She worked with Jeff at a retreat center where they sung as professionals. He was openly gay at that place. Well she wasn’t sure if he was going to be open here at PC. Yet she told some people about this summer. Well that puts him in a bad situation if he is not ready to come out here. I felt I should tell him so he can be prepared in case he becomes outed without him knowing it. He was very appreciative, and we may have a friendship come from this. He is by far not my type so nothing romantic would probably ever come, but having someone here who knows what it’s like is a big thing for me.

On a side note, DW has unblocked me. I’m going to resist the temptation of contacting him, and let him do the first move. I still do have hopes that we can work things out and be friends again. Yet I don’t want to be the only person working at this. I can’t handle that responsibility and stress right now. Well I’m going to work on my HW now.