ARGGG

Dear Jack,

So much has happened since my last journal entry. It is hard to know where to begin.

I guess the first thing to get off my chest is what I’ve learned about Daniel from Mellanie. She did some inquiring for me to him. It turns out that he doesn’t want to talk to me because, I “tried to turn [him] gay last year, and I didn’t feel he respected me.” I find this somewhat amusing yet sad for him. Every time he and I did something "gay", I always made sure it was what he wanted, that he initiated it. I must admit that I did tell him to never give up, but always to search for his sexuality, but that was because he was not content with being a bisexual. I guess that sort of read the wrong way for him.

In a conversation with Dani, I learned that he referred to me as not respecting him also. She inquired as to an instance. He fudged the story a little, but I recall it. Somehow he and I were discussing the choir tour and whether or not I was rooming with him. I got a little upset and he left the room. I didn’t know where he was going or why he was going so I followed him and went with him into his room. He then refused to speak to me. I did not know what I had done wrong nor understand why he was treating me this way. I begged him to tell me what I did wrong. He said nothing. (He reported to Dani that he asked me to leave, but I don’t recall that). I began to cry as I was really hurt. (He told Dani I was manipulating him with my tears... I can see that, but it wasn’t my intention). I got very angry at one point and punched him in his back. He told me at the time it didn’t hurt. Apparently it did, as he has not let go of it, and told her. I was out of line for doing that. I should never have done it, and do not understand why I did. I agree wholeheartedly that I disrespected him there. And looking back I’m sure I did it more too. In my defense I was very supportive throughout the relationship, especially if he ever was sick or needed some type of attention. I didn’t respect his wishes to be left alone at times. This must be what he means. I don’t know, as he has me blocked.

I will continue to keep him in my prayers, as I still love him as a brother. I worry about his stress. It amazes me to learn that he is the President of Westminster Fellowship at his college, and that he is apart of the SGA there. I am so proud that he finally has gotten involved. I think he is much better off there. Yet I hear from Dani that he still feels depressed and still suffers from low self-esteem. I wish that I could share with him how wonderful he is. He’ll never see it or hear it from me I guess.

Ok for other news, other than the same-old-same old with Daniel W.. Daniel T. is a cool freshman. I found out that he broke up with his girlfriend. He seems to be taking it pretty well. He is very social able, more so than before. I think he feels more at ease. I still wonder of his sexuality (for my own personal reasons). I know it shouldn’t matter, but still, as a gay guy looking, I’m curious. I am also curious about Andrew C.’s also, as he seems to exhibit homosexual tendencies too. I don’t think anything with come of it, but who knows. I can always hope.

Speaking of break ups, Heather and Whilden broke up. They were dating for like six months. On the day after the break up, Heather asked me to check on Whilden. It is wonderful to see that she still cares for him, and I wish all broken relationships could be smoothed over as theirs has been.

I did do something on Friday that I didn’t expect I’d ever do. I went on a date. I don’t call it a real date, but I’m told I should because the dude paid for me. His name is Robert and he’s from Laurens. I met him online, and he seems pretty nice. We went to see Cold Creek Manor. That was a horrid movie. Afterwords we went to T. G. I. Fridays with his friends. I was the youngest person at 21, he was 24, and the rest were in their thirties. All of them were dating except he and I and another dude. I didn’t feel completely uncomfortable other than being extremely young. It was nice to see gay couples though, and to interact with them. Afterwords he came back to the apartment and met the gang.

They seemed to like him also. Now the reason I don’t call it a date is because he is taken. His boyfriend of a long time is in Iraq. His name is Lee. Now I don’t know exactly the details of their current status, other than they are in constant communication with each other, and Robert visits his “in-laws” every other week. Robert plans on helping me meet more men. I don’t know how it will go, but I’m positive. The next day he came over and we all ate chili. I made the chili of course... caused me to get diarrhea the next day. He didn’t eat any.. had previously eaten. Kevin and Caleb wanted to watch Apocalypse Now and we didn’t so we went for a walk around campus. I introduced him to Scary Karen. Scary Karen just got back from home-bound suicide watch. She is rather eccentric. I can’t blame her as she has ADHD, Bi-Polar, and OCD on top of being bi-sexual. The two of them hit it off. I bet they’ll be better friends than I could be with either of them. I think that’s good though. Both need friends like themselves.

On Sunday I went on another date with a dude named Mauro. He is from Mexico but lives in Greenville. He is 20, which is a little closer to my age. We have a little more in common, although I am still not certain on his religious beliefs. He seems extremely interested in me, but I’m only half-way interested in him. A few things scared me about him, he seems too enthusiastic about me. Anyways we went to Greenville and ate at Ruby Tuesdays and then walked around the downtown Greenville area. His friends Greg and Betsey went with us. They ended up giving us some time to get to know each other a little better. It was a very good date by all standards. The next day he had several messages for me asking how my day was and stuff of that nature. He also made a comment that sort of awkward me out. “I don’t know what it would be like to be a preachers’ wife.” Well I was discussing a possible second date... and he was talking a full fledged relationship.

As it stands I think I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. I want the benefits like cuddling, but I don’t want the bull shit of having to deal with me not being good enough for someone. I want to be fucking pleased this time too!!! I want to see what it’s all about, not just give, although at this point I’d like to do that too.