A Visit to Georgia

Dear Jack,

Michael and I traveled down to Conyers for the first time since being together.  It was a lot of fun to introduce him to my family and friends.  My parents hosted a cookout and Caleb, Kevin, Dani, Audra, and Joy were able to come, as well as tons of family.  It was a great time.  We saw the new Aquarium and the new World of Coca Cola Museum.  Michael also got to see St. Simon's.  All in all, one of the best trips home I've had.

State of the Union

Dear Jack,

Last night was the State of the Union, given in its usual pomp and grandeur at the Capital building. I am not certain how I feel about all of it, as there was so much to digest. The imperialism doesn't exactly bother me, although many of my democrat friends probably did not like that. I found the initiatives for the decrease in fossil fuel from the Middle East very good--I only hope it works. I am uncertain what Bush meant by 'Activist Judges' with regards to 'Deigning Marriage', as it sounds like the usual crap regarding that. I wish they'd just let us gay people be normal rather than abstract "activists".

The Democratic Response was horribly delivered. I was more distracted by the Governor's lack of cohesive sentences and oddly raised eyebrow, that I could not take any thing he said seriously. It came across as "Democrats are Good, the Administration is bad, There is a Better Way, and it is doing what we did in Virginia". I don't want our government to be Virginia. That's not saying I am happy with the way things are run, but it's still better than a commonwealth state.

I was shocked that Caleb had not watched it, but he, like myself, does not like the clapping that continuously interrupts the speech. I wish they'd save their applause to the end.

FINALLY

Dear Jack,

It has taken forever to finally be able to post on this board. Everytime I have tried to load Blogger, it would not load, and it made me really sad.

Well I'm in NYC still, having a good time working at Belleveue Hospital as a chaplain. I am making a lot of good friends from the program of the other Chaplains and am learning a lot.

Michael and I hang out a lot and it is great--I'm really in love with him. It is nice that we will be spending the rest of our lives together. I thank God daily for this true Blessing.

I miss Joy and Caleb and Kevin a lot--I also miss the internet (I don't have it for the summer--finances suck). My cell is working for those who want to chat. I also have MySpace and Friendster and Facebook profiles.

There is not a lot really going on for me.

I'm worried about my nephew Kristopher as his father has gone to jail and he is stuck in a house with my Uncle who works late nights. Some positive signs are that he has decided to take Karate--seems to be a safe hobby.

Hopefully I'll be able to post more.

Gay Thoughts

Dear Jack,

Homosexuality describes a person who is naturally attracted to a member of the same sex. There is no definitive cause for this. There are theories that it is genetic; that it is based on the environment of the mother before birth or the nurturing environment growing up; that it is the result of a sexual trauma; that it is a choice. My personal theory is that it is a gift--a gift from God and is naturally engendered in a person's being. That does not mean that all the theories could not be right in some people. However in my experience It is Natural.

My own homosexual understanding came about in middle school. It was in middle school that we were forced to take gym class. That was the first time I noticed the appeal of boys. It was further peaked by my participation in Boy Scouts of America, and while playing club soccer. I was fully aware that being gay was unacceptable by my peers. So I did what many do. I hid it. I learned to respond in a heterosexual manner to things such as discussing girls, being mooned by a guy, what I'd want in sex, what a good marriage would mean, etc.

In addition I was a religious kid. I had been active in church (Southern Baptist) since kindergarten and had recently re-converted to the Episcopal Church in seventh grade. As far as I had been taught, and mind you it was taught to us even that young, homosexuality was against God's Natural Order. This was a devistating thing for me, when I found myself in this predicament. I had felt for a long time that I was called to be a minister, and here was this horrid "sin" to mess things up for me. One which had been taught by me to be a most grievous sin, and one that if you could not reverse, could not be forgiven.

When I entered high school I had developed a very negative self image of myself as a result. I had not pursued girls that much, indeed only once, out of following ritual of what was expected and trying to save myself from being discovered as gay. I reverted to also noticing the sins of other people to a point of overt Pharisitical criticism and judgmental disposition. When I'd attend religious functions often I cried, for I so prayed and longed for it all to be removed. Each Easter I prayed that my feelings would die with Christ, and new feelings of heterosexuality would rise on Easter. Never did it happen.

I went to college, and it was there, that I thought I would openly deal with my feelings. For me openly meant I'd tell someone who was a minister about them and see if he could help direct me in the right path. The head of the religion department was a Dr. Hobbie. He was a Presbyterian (PCUSA) minister. Amazingly I was not the first person to talk to him about such feelings. He told me to pray. That perhaps God had a use for me even as a homosexual. I did pray. I prayed for guidance, for relief. I heard nothing. It was then I decided to pray for something different.

"God I know I'm a homosexual...I read that it isn't right, but you made me, and I can't think of a time where I wasn't thinking the way I think. I don't want this pain. I give it to you. Make me whole as you see fit to make me whole. Use me in my brokenness."

It was then I decided perhaps praying to change wasn't right. Accepting God's creation...well what could it hurt to accept myself? If I wasn't changing anyways, no harm would be done. I realized that my friends, particularly my roommate Caleb and my friend Kevin would not care what my sexuality is. So I told them. I slowly came out... but it stated by coming out to God first.

I felt a release then. As if my life had been a vein blocked and now the blockage was gone--blood was flowing again. I felt the renewing spirit that comes from God rush over me like a mighty wind. Within a few months, being open about my sexuality, I was invited to begin the discernment process. Within a year, having even dated, I was called a postulant, and was sent to Seminary. Indeed not only was I sent, but all of my needs were met...$28,000 financially. Obviously someone wanted me to be a priest, and it came when I came out to God.

One thing stuck with me, "If God is for us, who can be against us". Indeed I think being gay is a hard task... a testing life... but it is not a sin. This weblog will house how I came to that conclusion, and how Christ is still the salve that can heal the souls of those broken by rejection because of their sexuality.

Lamb is Tasty

Dear Jack,

Ok so today I woke up with a migraine headache. I took meds and felt better by noonish for choir, although I still felt groggy. I came back to my room after eating lunch alone... I hate eating lunch alone... I almost skipped it, but had already paid my money. I worked in the SCIS office today and overheard the Board of Trustees Meeting for Academic Affairs. It was interesting, 'cept that diversity for them means "bringing black people" to PC. Even funnier was, 'how many black people does Furman have?" They never mentioned women or gays or Buddhists. They did mention the three Chinese restaurants in Clinton... Thus they believe we have a small "china town" somewhere in Laurens. And they also mentioned Freddy as the token Latino.

After work I ate dinner with Caleb and James and a random girl that I know but do not remember her name. After dinner Teska came up for a chat. I told him how I edited my journal pre-posting to protect "innocent' friends of ours. He found it interesting. Justin and I have been chatting online, and I hope he comes by.

Oh I have to mention the double date from the other night. Dani and Teska (now dating... soooo sweet) and Justin and I went to G-Vegas to see Matrix Revolutions. I enjoyed it, but some of the others in the crew didn't. I thought it was soooo sweet that the "men" cried... Especially my sweetie. He cried when Trinity died. Justin is so sweet and sensitive. Oh and Teska cried too... Dani might have, but she covered her face in fear from the rest of the movie. She's such a chicken... Plus it invokes arms to go around her... Teska's arms of course. Before that we ate at Ruby Tuesdays, and that was good... I love Steak. It may be my favorite food. It may be. But then again I love my Thai food... And Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Indian... Hell I like all foods... 'cept for deep fried stuff. That gets old.

I might as well list the foods I loath.

I loath Ham, Sweet Potatoes, Beets, Yams, non-ruby red Grapefruit, Parsnips, I'm not big on pork in general, but I do eat sausage and bacon... But prefer non-pork on both. I may like to cook fancy, but my favorite food is still beans and franks with macaroni and Cheese.

I love Beef. BEEF IS GOOD. So is Turkey, and chicken, and goose, duck, lamb, I LOVE LAMB. LAMB IS DA BOMB. Well that's all for today. Talk to you later Jack.

ARGGG

Dear Jack,

So much has happened since my last journal entry. It is hard to know where to begin.

I guess the first thing to get off my chest is what I’ve learned about Daniel from Mellanie. She did some inquiring for me to him. It turns out that he doesn’t want to talk to me because, I “tried to turn [him] gay last year, and I didn’t feel he respected me.” I find this somewhat amusing yet sad for him. Every time he and I did something "gay", I always made sure it was what he wanted, that he initiated it. I must admit that I did tell him to never give up, but always to search for his sexuality, but that was because he was not content with being a bisexual. I guess that sort of read the wrong way for him.

In a conversation with Dani, I learned that he referred to me as not respecting him also. She inquired as to an instance. He fudged the story a little, but I recall it. Somehow he and I were discussing the choir tour and whether or not I was rooming with him. I got a little upset and he left the room. I didn’t know where he was going or why he was going so I followed him and went with him into his room. He then refused to speak to me. I did not know what I had done wrong nor understand why he was treating me this way. I begged him to tell me what I did wrong. He said nothing. (He reported to Dani that he asked me to leave, but I don’t recall that). I began to cry as I was really hurt. (He told Dani I was manipulating him with my tears... I can see that, but it wasn’t my intention). I got very angry at one point and punched him in his back. He told me at the time it didn’t hurt. Apparently it did, as he has not let go of it, and told her. I was out of line for doing that. I should never have done it, and do not understand why I did. I agree wholeheartedly that I disrespected him there. And looking back I’m sure I did it more too. In my defense I was very supportive throughout the relationship, especially if he ever was sick or needed some type of attention. I didn’t respect his wishes to be left alone at times. This must be what he means. I don’t know, as he has me blocked.

I will continue to keep him in my prayers, as I still love him as a brother. I worry about his stress. It amazes me to learn that he is the President of Westminster Fellowship at his college, and that he is apart of the SGA there. I am so proud that he finally has gotten involved. I think he is much better off there. Yet I hear from Dani that he still feels depressed and still suffers from low self-esteem. I wish that I could share with him how wonderful he is. He’ll never see it or hear it from me I guess.

Ok for other news, other than the same-old-same old with Daniel W.. Daniel T. is a cool freshman. I found out that he broke up with his girlfriend. He seems to be taking it pretty well. He is very social able, more so than before. I think he feels more at ease. I still wonder of his sexuality (for my own personal reasons). I know it shouldn’t matter, but still, as a gay guy looking, I’m curious. I am also curious about Andrew C.’s also, as he seems to exhibit homosexual tendencies too. I don’t think anything with come of it, but who knows. I can always hope.

Speaking of break ups, Heather and Whilden broke up. They were dating for like six months. On the day after the break up, Heather asked me to check on Whilden. It is wonderful to see that she still cares for him, and I wish all broken relationships could be smoothed over as theirs has been.

I did do something on Friday that I didn’t expect I’d ever do. I went on a date. I don’t call it a real date, but I’m told I should because the dude paid for me. His name is Robert and he’s from Laurens. I met him online, and he seems pretty nice. We went to see Cold Creek Manor. That was a horrid movie. Afterwords we went to T. G. I. Fridays with his friends. I was the youngest person at 21, he was 24, and the rest were in their thirties. All of them were dating except he and I and another dude. I didn’t feel completely uncomfortable other than being extremely young. It was nice to see gay couples though, and to interact with them. Afterwords he came back to the apartment and met the gang.

They seemed to like him also. Now the reason I don’t call it a date is because he is taken. His boyfriend of a long time is in Iraq. His name is Lee. Now I don’t know exactly the details of their current status, other than they are in constant communication with each other, and Robert visits his “in-laws” every other week. Robert plans on helping me meet more men. I don’t know how it will go, but I’m positive. The next day he came over and we all ate chili. I made the chili of course... caused me to get diarrhea the next day. He didn’t eat any.. had previously eaten. Kevin and Caleb wanted to watch Apocalypse Now and we didn’t so we went for a walk around campus. I introduced him to Scary Karen. Scary Karen just got back from home-bound suicide watch. She is rather eccentric. I can’t blame her as she has ADHD, Bi-Polar, and OCD on top of being bi-sexual. The two of them hit it off. I bet they’ll be better friends than I could be with either of them. I think that’s good though. Both need friends like themselves.

On Sunday I went on another date with a dude named Mauro. He is from Mexico but lives in Greenville. He is 20, which is a little closer to my age. We have a little more in common, although I am still not certain on his religious beliefs. He seems extremely interested in me, but I’m only half-way interested in him. A few things scared me about him, he seems too enthusiastic about me. Anyways we went to Greenville and ate at Ruby Tuesdays and then walked around the downtown Greenville area. His friends Greg and Betsey went with us. They ended up giving us some time to get to know each other a little better. It was a very good date by all standards. The next day he had several messages for me asking how my day was and stuff of that nature. He also made a comment that sort of awkward me out. “I don’t know what it would be like to be a preachers’ wife.” Well I was discussing a possible second date... and he was talking a full fledged relationship.

As it stands I think I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. I want the benefits like cuddling, but I don’t want the bull shit of having to deal with me not being good enough for someone. I want to be fucking pleased this time too!!! I want to see what it’s all about, not just give, although at this point I’d like to do that too.