Stokes Complaints

Dear Jack,

I did not sleep at all last night. My mind was on a frenzy of topics and would not shut down. Specifically recall anger at Dr. Stokes for not allowing me to sing the solo he assigned me during Choir tour. He seemed to have changed his mind on the trip, and had another person sing it instead. This really upset me then, but I held it in cause I was concerned about Daniel's well being at the time... although Daniel was upset with Stokes for that at the time too. Still now it has hit me. Why the hell did he assign the damned thing to me if he didn't intend for me to sing it? Was this part of his ideas of getting back at me for making him have to bring me? I don't know. It doesn't help as I consider changing majors this very minute. I also thought about Figs and Thistles. It really pisses me off that the CD with the work on it got lost. I am sure it reflects very poorly on me, although I had no control over it. I have most of it redone, but have a few more things to go. I questioned whether or not it would be published though. I don't know how things work, as it's a new year. And even more disturbing to me is that I don't know if I'll end up getting paid. I suppose not, but do not know how to even approach the conversation with Ramsey.

The buses did not run so we had to take a cab. Getting tight on cash did not make me feel at ease about this. Luckily all worked out. We stayed at the train station in Edinburgh for way too long. The train ride back was not a bad ride. I slept a good portion of it. The only complaint I had was the smell of some of those with whom I rode with... the English riders. My nose is too sensitive at times.

For dinner a group of us ate at the India Garden. I had a very tasty Vindaloo.. or something like that. Quite spicy, but yummy. We came back, I checked my email, and then headed to bed.

Wallace & Hobbie

Dear Jack,

The next day I woke up later than I planned. I went with Jeffrey, William, Dr. Hobbie and Dr. Ramsey. We walked to the Wallace Monument. The Wallace Monument is a gothic-looking like structure that stands atop of a wooded hill on the north end of Stirling. We climbed to the top of the structure. Several rooms were contained therein which had relevant historical stuff about William Wallace and the Scottish fight for independence. The thing I could not help but mock was that they were not independent but were apart of England. It seemed strange that so much was put into something that didn't work out. It would be like honoring Custer with a similar monument. Or King George for trying to keep the colonies. At the top, the wind blew heavily, but the view was wonderful. You could see the suspension bridge which crossed the Firth of Fourth, and Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh.

From there we went down to wait for a bus. Ramsey and Jeffrey got impatient and started walking to another bus stop. No sooner had they left, then a bus picked up William, Hobbie, and myself. It took us into the town via the north west route around the Castle base. At the bus stop, we met more of our crew, and later Ramsey and Jeffrey. We went into a cafe en mass and sat down for Fish and Chips. William let me borrow £5 until I could get back to Oxford where I had some more money.

After lunch I could not see the sense in going back to the Uni., or in going to Edinborough. Thus I accompanied Hobbie, Ramsey, and William up to the Castle. This time I did the guided tour with them, and then we walked around. It was nice to do this with people. I felt like this was a second chance.

Afterwards William and I ate at McDonald’s and then rode the bus back into the Uni. McDonald's is not great, but it is cheap. At the Uni, there were few people. I fell asleep. I awoke a time afterwards to people in the hall, but paid no heed. Eventually I got up again and tried to hunt people down to see what was going on. Jacob was with a group of girls, and a guy named Robo in the common room of Flat 1. I joined the group. We played cards and chatted for a good while. Then the other guys came home and things broke up.

I am again feeling that I do not fit in. I do not know if it is me trying to not fit in... or if I am indeed not fitting in. Regardless I don't feel comfortable around nearly all the guys, Jacob, the two Williamses, Jeffrey, and the professors excluded. I only wish I knew if I was reading into things or not.

I went to bed... or tried to sleep.

Touched by Three Angels

Dear Jack,

My main intention was to go with the professors into Edinburgh. About four-in-the-morning, I decided that I needed some time to reflect with God. This meant it would be best for me to be one on One with Him. So at eight that morning, I notified the professors that I was going to stay and go on my own. I felt that I have been rather negative. This is true, I am a pessimist who is trying to recover. I don't like being a pessimist. It makes me angry (irony?).

I slept until elevenish. I got up and walked to the bus, and rode it into Stirling. I then walked the streets for awhile thinking. I thought about where I was, what I was doing there, and what did I want to do next. I didn't want to think about the last time I was in Stirling, but that was inevitable.

The last time I was there, we stayed at the Youth Hostel next to the Church of the Holy Rude. It was with the choir tour. I remember that Daniel and Casey Robinson and myself were walking about Stirling. We entered the graveyard at the Church. Casey started behaving like a child, running through it, and dancing and doing stuff of that sort. This upset Daniel. He thought some reverence for the spot was appropriate. They ended up arguing over this. This made Daniel leave and want time alone. I remember consoling him later in our room. It really had upset him that she had no consideration for appropriate behavior. We chatted for a while and then went to dinner. He was getting sick of the immature behavior of some of the people on the trip. I was able to relate, as I am feeling the same now. I wanted so much to be able to reach out to him. He had begun to build a wall against this at that point. He didn't want to be reached out to yet. Am I building such a wall? Am I smacking the hands of those who want to help, also? I am very reminiscent of my time with Daniel, as our separation is very much a modern realization to me. Still it is very hard to deal with--and the pain is deep. As I walked through the graveyard yet again, I prayed. I hoped that Daniel was doing well. I asked for strength to move on. To get out of the rut I feel that I have gotten myself into. I wanted to enjoy things now on my own, as I did with him. I didn't want to feel regretful that things were over. I wanted peace. PEACE!!!.

I left the graveyard, and headed up to the Castle. I walked through the castle on my own. It was very lovely, but I felt like I needed my friends. Or just someone to physically relate with. Someone to share my insights and marvels. I had only God, and He doesn't always respond.

I walked down past the graveyard to the Old Jail. I went in briefly, but there were too many people. Too few---too many. All strangers. The streets around me seemed like a cavernous tunnel which suffocated my spirit. I wanted to leave this place...leave the sadness and soar out. Yet I felt that any wings I had, were surely made of wax and would melt. I got on the bus and headed back to the University.

I was at the University all of 30 minutes when Ali, Sarah, and Adriana returned from their adventures in Edinburgh. They invited me to join them for dinner. Taken aback by such a friendly invitation after feeling so cold and alone, I accepted without a thought. We walked to the bus stop, hopped on and headed into town with the intention of eating at the Subway. When we arrived in town we were upset to learn that the Subway had already closed for the night...only 7PM. Brits eat at weird times apparently.

We found an Italian bistro on Friars Street, entered and were seated immediately. Then something happened. I felt God. He was there with us...going between us. I was safe, and comfortable with friends. Yet I didn't hardly know a thing about any of them. This was the opportunity. We took three and a half hours to eat. This time was spent sharing our lives with each other. It wasn't petty stuff. It was good wholesome conversation...not always wholesome, but real. God had answered a prayer, and I felt glad that I had recognized the opportunity. The food was the best that I had eaten on the trip, yet there was nothing that really should have stood out to make it all that good. It was with good people. People with whom I let down my guard and let them in.

We returned back to the “uni.”, and I realized that things on my budget were getting low. The logical thing to do when money gets tight, call home. So I did. Mom was the only one there. I found out that my uncle Derry was back in Jail. Joe was still in Jail awaiting a hearing. Kris had been given orders and was now going to be sent to Iraq. I love how when I call home I get bombarded with bad news. That's usually how things are there. It is probably why I am so quick to pick up on the negative...well conditioned for it. Furthermore I learned that I'd have to call back when dad returned from work to ask about money, because Mom was strapped as it was. That's usually how it is there too, so no big shock. I told my mom I loved her, and ended the phone call.

I went back to my room and fell asleep immediately.

Journey North

Dear Jack,

Well I could not get to sleep last night. I ended up staying up the entire night. I started my laundry and chatted on the instant messenger for a good portion of the time. I am rather disappointed with the laundry, as it did not come as clean as I had hoped. Specifically, I have a grease spot on one of my shirts which is still there.

On Instant Messenger I spoke with Adrian N. Now Adrian hasn't been at PC since freshman year. We have kept in touch over IM and chat often. He has recently been in a relationship with a girl who ended up dropping him for a drug habit. This has really hurt him. He has always been a bit wild with his life, and I have found amusement in hearing some of the things he has done when drinking. Well this particular night I got into a unique conversation with him. I don't know how to explain it really, but it sort of has made me uneasy...not necessarily in a bad way, but not necessarily in a good way either. I am uncertain how I feel about the conversation in all basic terms. I'll describe it.

First off he started off by saying hi, and I returned the sentiments. We chatted about small stuff like where we are and how the day's been. Then he asked, "Do you masturbate?" I answered honestly and he informed me of his habits. He then shared how he was also masturbating at the current time. I asked if I should give him some time to finish and chat later. He said he would prefer to chat that it did not bother him. I admit that this made my mind think. Next he asked details about my masturbatory procedures and times, etc., and he offered his own experience. I was turned on by the conversation, yet uncertain as to how realistic this conversation was. It is not a common thing for me to talk about with my friends. Still he persisted and started talking about how he liked playing with his ass when he did it. He talked about the pleasures he felt. He then asked me if I could relate, being gay. I can't honestly say I relate to the extent that he shared, but could imagine what he meant. From there he started talking about how he'd like to get a dildo. This was a rather strange comment coming from a supposedly heterosexual friend. I told him he could probably get one online, if he wanted. He was afraid of what his mother would think about it and asked if I would purchase it for him, and he'd come up to PC and pick it up. I do not have a problem ordering such a thing, but did not know if it would be a good thing to do per say for him. He then discussed how he at times fantasized about being with a man. He had many questions about his feelings, and I did not know how to answer them. I think I was unsure if he was pulling my leg or serious.

Had I been more certain about his seriousness I would probably have been able to react quicker. What it boils down to is that he feels like he needs to experiment with his sexuality. He is unsure how to do that. He then proposed that I help him with that. Now I must admit I was flattered and would love to do this. Yet there is a part of me that says very adamantly, “NO!”. I blew off this offer with, "you're just a tease" and told him I wouldn't mind it, but he's probably not thinking clearly. I said if he wanted I'd help him with getting a dildo. Now I did not say I wasn't interested, and gave the impression that I was. And I am, to an extent. I am uneasy however with what is appropriate. That is where the problem really comes. I do not want to do something for sex and sex alone. I think that is wrong. However I do not know how I feel about sexual stuff between people that isn't per say sex itself. Furthermore, I do feel it is wrong for a heterosexual to have homosexual sex. I do not know what he is, and do not want to open doors into something that is not good for him. Thus I am left in confusion over what to do. He is my friend regardless and I don't want to hurt him, furthermore I don't want to get hurt in the process. I think the best thing would be to have further dialog with him about his feelings and see how I can support him in a non-sexual manner. If anything including a relationship were to develop...that wouldn't be my goal but a side effect of helping a dear friend.

After chatting with Adrian and a few other friends (I believe Joy was online for a while too) I went down and chatted with the porter. This was around three AM. The guy seems like a jolly fellow, and although I did not get his name, I feel like he has been one of the best people that I've spoken with since I've been here. Our conversation wasn't water-buggy movies and shopping conversations. We talked of politics, religion, fears, sex. That was a good thing to finally have--a real conversation. I despise continual water-bug conversations that never get into the meat of what people really believe or don't believe. I feel like time is wasted, and that friendship is wasted. If all one spends time discussing is the trivial joys of a spoiled life, I find it hard that much substance will remain in the friendship. It is when people are able to share how they feel unabashedly, that there is a connection. Experience is helpful, yet communication and relationship is what is needed. I cannot connect to someone discussing who the biggest bad-ass in a movie is.

The rest of my group awoke around 4:30, and we met at 5:30 and walked to the train depot. William Br. forgot to pack his backpack again. I really feel sorry for the boy at times, because he tries so hard and then realizes he's forgotten something that he kept on saying he better not forget. He's probably my closest friend on the trip. I enjoy his company and simplicity. Very rarely is he devious, and his conversations are always heartfelt and never reserved. The best thing about William is he's compassionate for those in need. Specifically he brought a roll for me on the day I had my migraine, so that I had something to eat. Others offered sympathy, which I appreciate, and others even less. William discusses being a priest one day. I think that might be a good vocation for him, and if he chooses to do so, may God bless him with it.

The train ride was long, but I slept most of it. In Stirling, we rode a bus and finally walked the rest of the way to our apartments. I got a little peeved with Matt. He was put in one flat, and then moved to the other. His excuse was to make things easier. Logically speaking that meant more of a strain on the other apartment which had 6 of 7 tenants. Albeit unfair to him, I do not think that was his true motive. I think his true motive was that he did not want to be the only person whom he felt was "in" on our side. The professors are on a league of their own, I have few things in common with him, and Jeffrey tends to stick with the professors. I have no problem with him wanting to be with friends, but I do not like being insulted with fictional reasoning such as "It would be easier." That insults my intelligence and further shows a lack of respect of my own dignity. Grrrr... Just peeves me. Furthermore, that “in” group then proceeded to leave poor William Br. He wanted to go with them and they plain-out left him. Their loss. William came with Jeffrey, the Professors and Freys, and myself. We went into Stirling, found a restaurant, The Red Lion Hotel Restaurant, and ate a wonderful meal. I had haggis for an appetizer, and it was wonderful. We then returned back to Stirling University for the night.