ELCA

Dear Jack,

So the ELCA has officially opened up the ministry to LGBT persons in committed relationships. This is great. Yeah ELCA and TEC. That's about all I got right now.

I've had some good interviews, and life is going great. I feel so free. It is amazing how much brighter the sun shines when the clouds move away.

Nunc Lento Sonitu Dicunt, Morieris

From "Devotions upon Emergent Occasions" (1623), XVII
by John Donne

Nunc Lento Sonitu Dicunt, Morieris
"Now, this bell tolling softly for another, says to me: Thou must die."

PERCHANCE he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill, as that he knows not it tolls for him; and perchance I may think myself so much better than I am, as that they who are about me, and see my state, may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that. The church is Catholic, universal, so are all her actions; all that she does belongs to all. When she baptizes a child, that action concerns me; for that child is thereby connected to that body which is my head too, and ingrafted into that body whereof I am a member. And when she buries a man, that action concerns me: all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another. As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come, so this bell calls us all; but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness. There was a contention as far as a suit (in which both piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled), which of the religious orders should ring to prayers first in the morning; and it was determined, that they should ring first that rose earliest. If we understand aright the dignity of this bell that tolls for our evening prayer, we would be glad to make it ours by rising early, in that application, that it might be ours as well as his, whose indeed it is. The bell doth toll for him that thinks it doth; and though it intermit again, yet from that minute that this occasion wrought upon him, he is united to God. Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? but who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out? Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings? but who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world? No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. Neither can we call this a begging of misery, or a borrowing of misery, as though we were not miserable enough of ourselves, but must fetch in more from the next house, in taking upon us the misery of our neighbours. Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did, for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it. No man hath affliction enough that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction. If a man carry treasure in bullion, or in a wedge of gold, and have none coined into current money, his treasure will not defray him as he travels. Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it. Another man may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels, as gold in a mine, and be of no use to him; but this bell, that tells me of his affliction, digs out and applies that gold to me: if by this consideration of another's danger I take mine own into contemplation, and so secure myself, by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security.

Sermon given by the Right Reverend Duleep de Chickera, the Bishop of Colombo

We gather in this impressive, awesome, magnificent cathedral this morning as representatives of several nations, several cultures, several tongues. And certainly as representatives of several Christian denominations, and other living faiths.

This is a joyful and a sacred moment, and I would like to suggest that we keep a pause in our worship to express our gratitude and our thanks to God for all those responsible for shaping our Anglican identity, for nourishing our spirituality, and for helping in the formation of our common life through the centuries and in so many parts of the world.

The text that I have for our reflection on this occasion is the ninth verse of the twelfth chapter of St Paul's second letter to the Corinthians - a familiar text for all of us: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Paul is here both confessing and proclaiming the paradox of grace in the Christian Gospel. It is, as we increasingly recognise and acknowledge our vulnerability in our journey of discipleship in Christ and with Christ, that we receive grace to be, and to become, faithful disciples. And I want you to hold on to this text because it is the idea that will undergird our thinking through the rest of this reflection. The recognition of our vulnerability is what makes growth possible in Christian discipleship.

There are two realities that encompass us as we meet as a world family of the Anglican Communion. And I would like to draw your attention to both these realities, without which our conference and our forward journey will become meaningless.

The first is that our world is a torn and divided world. Bishops are expected to bring their dioceses with them to the Lambeth Conference, and Bishops whose dioceses strive to be faithful by the challenges that come to us from God's world will inevitably bring along with their diocese the pain and the struggles, the injustice, the evil, the hostility that men and women encounter in today's world. It is indeed a true saying that God gives the Church an agenda out of the crises of the world. And so my dear sisters and brothers in Christ, the Anglican Communion must always give the highest priority to our invitation from Christ to participate with Christ in transforming God's world. To bring healing, peace, justice, reconciliation, abundant life, where there is oppression, where there is hostility, where there is strife, and division. This concept of the world in pain must, through this conference and after the conference, receive the energy and spirituality of our Church. No other priority can contend for that place. God has called us and placed us in God's world so that we might participate with him in bringing this transformation.

The second reality is the reality that we are a wounded community. Some of us are not here, and that is an indication that all is not well. Certainly the crisis is complex. It is not a crisis that can be resolved instantly.

The journey ahead is a long arduous one - a journey that will demand our prayers, our faithfulness, our mutual trust in each other, and of course our trust in God who makes reconciliation possible.

I would like to draw your attention to the parable that was read as the Gospel: the words of the master were wise words. Let them grow together.

There can and there must be no uprooting, simply because if we attempt this game of uprooting the unrighteous then, my dear sisters and brothers, none of us will remain. We are all a mix of the wheat and the weeds. The wisdom of these words suggest that we stay together because we draw from a common soil, a common tradition, a common heritage. We are what we are regardless of our differences, because of our common life together and our origins. Transformation comes in this interaction, and transformation must come from within.

In Jaffna, the northernmost part of the Diocese of Colombo, a church is being converted into a centre for conflict analysis and peace – Christ Church, Jaffna. The church has been renovated after several bouts of bombing and shelling. Something is emerging: a mandate and an agenda for peace and reconciliation in this place, but we have decided that we will retain the marks and the scars of war on the walls of this church. Transformation comes from within. The old gradually converts as men and women pray and talk and dialogue, and even disagree as we must, but call to mind repeatedly that disciples of Jesus stay together and journey together.

There are three challenges that I like to leave for us as we address the objectives of this Lambeth Conference:- to strengthen our Anglican identity, and to enable bishops to be leaders in God's mission. Here are three thoughts that could contribute both to identity and mission.

The first is: our communion must return to the discipline and the practice of self-scrutiny. We have a rich tradition that supports this discipline - the retreat, the quiet time, contemplation, meditation, spiritual counsellors, all of which enhance this practice and discipline of men and women coming to God in stillness to evaluate and examine their lives:- the parable of the plank and the speck of dust. Christ calls us to be hard on ourselves and Christ calls us to consider him only as our measure and our standard. So we stand and evaluate our lives in relation to the fullness and the abundance of life in Jesus. And then when lapses and shortcomings are detected we work with the Spirit to overcome, to grow, to become beautiful and faithful in the eyes of Christ. Mind you, the standard is always Christ.

It's not that bishop who is giving you trouble. It's not that archdeacon whose theology always irritates you (and there are a few around like that). Self-scrutiny is possible in the Christian journey as we stand naked before Jesus the Christ.

The second challenge that I'd like to leave with you, is one that we need to resuscitate and declare again and again, and that is the challenge of unity in diversity. As I look around and see you, I see this wonderful unity in diversity. Shortly, when the sacrament is administered, lips from numerous countries, numerous nationalities, numerous cultures will touch the same cup. We are united in spite of the fact that we are different, because in Christ we are equal. There's enough to go around if none will be greedy.

Here my dear sisters and brothers is an insight of what the Church is called to be: an inclusive communion, where there is space equally for everyone and anyone, regardless of colour, gender, ability, sexual orientation. Unity in diversity is a cherished Anglican tradition – a spirituality if you like, which we must reinforce in all humility for the sake of Christ and Christ's Gospel.

The third challenge that I have for you is that of the prophetic voice. Very often people say: "all this talk of reconciliation is not complete unless we address and deal with the injustice of the world." And so the Anglican Communion must articulate this prophetic voice regardless of where we serve in the world. Now as many of you will be aware, the prophetic voice has two strands, and it is imperative that these strands are held together. The first is the prophetic voice is a voice for the voiceless. There are those who for political reasons, cultural reasons, economic reasons, military reasons, cannot speak for themselves, or if they do, they do so at tremendous risk. And so the Anglican Communion must speak on their behalf - whether it is the crisis in Sri Lanka, whether it is the crisis in Zimbabwe, or Sudan, or Afghanistan or Iraq.
The voiceless must be given a voice through the leadership of the Anglican Communion. The second strand that goes with a voice for the voiceless, is the calling into accountability of those who abuse power: authoritarian regimes who oppress and suppress the people. The prophetic voice will ask poignant, relevant questions: "why", and sometimes, "how dare you?"

Two other comments about the prophetic tradition - in a sense the prophetic voice is monotonous. It's the same thing as long as the problem remains. And so, you don't need to worry if you're not saying anything new. Relentless monotony. And the second feature is that there is no self-interest in the prophetic tradition. We speak for justice and order in God's world, and we speak on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves.

I want to conclude by quoting one of my favourite Archbishops - Archbishop William Temple, who once said: "The Church is the one institution that does not live for itself." My dear sisters and brothers, as we move from this wonderful retreat, through this beautiful eucharist into our conference, let us hold on these word. For here is the crux of Anglican identity, and here is the crux of Anglican spirituality. We do not live for ourselves, and all our energy, all our gifts are directed to abundant life for the other.

Amen.

Gay Morals ... eh... Morals

Dear Jack,

Michael went to General Convention last month. It proved to be rather interesting on several accounts. Not only did we elect the first woman to be Primate of the Episcopal Church, Katharine Jefferts-Schori, but we also acknowledged a feast day for you, Clive Staples Lewis (a.k.a Jack). Many other things were done, and others not done, including acknowledging Christ as the Name for Salvation.

But that's not what I want to talk about. Rather I am frustrated with the character of people that Michael ran across... and it got me bothered. On the trip, people were met who were workers in the Church, mostly gay, but some straight. The common bond with them seemed to be a blatant disregard of personal morals with regards to sexual relationships. One does not expect the whole populous to have the "traditional" morals of the Church, as not all are affiliated or care about the Church. Yet one would think that those who actually work for the Church as cleric or musician would have some inkling of what is appropriate behavior. Out right many divulged extreme promiscuity not limited to one-night stands, orgies, "f#ck" buddies, cheating, and competitions on who gets laid the most at the American Guild of Organists (just to name a few).

I am not a prude, and don't expect people to wait till marriage. Indeed many of my friends have chosen to have much more "casual" relationships than I would. Mind you, when they are in relationships they are monogamous. And I can even understand occasionally screwing around ... although I don't think it's healthy physically, spiritually, or mentally--often many after reflection think the same. What I don't understand is the expected acceptance of such behavior for someone in a leading role in the Church. As a leader of the Church one is automatically put in the public eye as an example. Now whether this is fair or not, it is what happens. And the behavior exhibited by these public figures is seen as acceptable behavior. Thus if one expresses themselves as ones who engage in orgies, and one-night stand casual sex, and that person is also a Leader in the Church-- I have a problem with it.

That takes me to my next ranting point. How can we as Gays expect any form of respect for our relationships--any right to "marriage" if we do not exhibit the ability to be faithful to those we are with, or if we screw around with whomever wants their rocks off? Put simply, we won't gain any leverage. Indeed the behavior exhibited fuels the fires of those who already have it in their mind to disapprove of us. One cannot hide behind "we have no recognized marriage" anymore. Church sanctioned or Government sanctioned--the relationship has to be FIRST sanctioned by the people in it.

It is unfortunate that the stereotype that has been projected about gay men is not similar to the stereotype of lesbians. The joke is: "What is the difference between what a Lesbian brings on her second date and a Gay man brings on his second date? Answer. Lesbian: A U-Haul; Gay man: A second date?"

It is more so unfortunate that the many fruitful long-enduring relationships of gay men is not the stereotype shown in America. I watched the Gay Pride Parade last month as a couple celebrated 40 years together--clapping and cheering followed them as they walked. THIS should be the stereotype and common expression among us.

We hurt ourselves in our sexual promiscuity... and indeed the promiscuous gay man hurts also the community by perpetuating such stereotypes.

And need we point to the Gay Community??? HECK NO.

Equally as rampant, and more so accepted, is the promiscuity among heterosexuals. Television portrays a date as always ending in Sex. The ever popular Sex and the City is a quintessential, well done (sadly), expression of heterosexual dating portrayed in the media. The difference between this expression and the gay expression... say of Queer as Folk, is that society accepts it as a norm.

One person pointed out to me that the Bible "admonishes" possible homosexual expressions 6 times, but "admonishes" blatant heterosexual expressions 360 some times. Yet, unfortunately if one turns on a "conservative" tv station or radio, and one finds very little discussing heterosexual promiscuity and sexual misconduct.

That is truly the saddest part of it all. And to top it all off the heterosexual Church leaders-- in their pomp and glory -- statistically are just as bad as the homosexual ones.

Ok... enough ranting.

Growing Frustrations

Dear Jack,

I am growing more and more frustrated with the current situation in the Church. As a gay man I am at odds with the majority of so-called "Conservative" or "Orthodox" Christians. Yet my belief in Christ Jesus as Lord and Savior is becoming more and more of a problem to the so-called "Liberal" or "Progressive"Christians who are edging near Universalism and downplaying the role of Christ in our Salvation.

There feels to be no place for me. I do not know how much longer I can endure a Church that is unwilling to call in Jesus' name for Salvation solely because it sounds "exclusive" to Non-Christians. One would think that the radical freedom from and redemption of sin that comes with Christ would be sufficient to call upon His name. Rather it seems a fear that any proclamation is condemning rules the roost, and orthodoxy seems to be shoved aside so as to not offend. Christ Jesus' gift of Love and Salvation is not one of condemnation--it is one of reconciliation and freedom. Put as John so wisely did, Jesus came into the world not to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved. The focus is not on the despairing outcast going to hell, but rather on the invitation to come into a certain relationship that saves from hell. Looking as John puts it, the focus is not on exclusion, but on inclusion...an invitation if you will. Paul speaks even more on this in saying that it is not God who condemns but the lack of belief already keeps people in death ("condemns"). Rather it is Christ Jesus who saves... who redeems... who's Truth sets free. He aletheia elethrusaia humas: The Truth shall set you free. Not Condemn.

I wrestle often with who is "saved" and not when it comes to other religions. I do not know. I get a good feeling that the Chosen people may be safe--not certain, but got a good feeling. In the end what I think is irrelevant. If I think they are saved and they are not...it is in God's hands. If I think they are not saved and yet they are... again it is in God's hands. Thus the necessity to speak about who is saved and who is not saved seems irrelevant on this mass sized scale.

The only answer I know of for certainty is Christ. Indeed I may get to heaven to find that the Universalists are right... but in the end anyone, Buddhist, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican, Conservative, Liberal, Undecidedly Agnostic or Atheist...if they are in heaven it is by the merit and grace of Christ Jesus saving them despite their disbelief in him. I do not know if that is how it will work in the end. Frankly I'd much rather let God worry about it and focus on making sure my relationship with God reflects my belief in God as Creator, Healer, Redeemer, Sanctifier, and Lover of All Souls.

Leftist Invaders

Dear Jack,

Expalin to me how my Church was invaded by people who make Hilary Clinton look moderate to right? Recently I've been upset at the prospect that the leaders of the Church want to allign the church with pro-choice organizations. In addition I'm finding more and more people afraid to proclaim that Jesus Christ and belief in him is essential to the Christian journey. So many seem so concerned about what the non-Christian is going to say when confronted with Christ--well that concer should be abated if the person in question has chosen to come to the Church to begin with. If one goes to a Mosque one expects to hear about Mohammed, and if one goes to a Synagogue, one expects to hear about Moses and the Torah. Thus one would think going to a Church would allow one to hear about Jesus.

In addition, since when does being Gay inclusive = being Baby killers? I am very sorry to all feminists etc, but I will not and cannot condone the innocent death of a child that is in the womb, that DOES feel pain, that (if in the case of rape) is also a victim. Life being endangered... that is more grey. I read rencently something that stands out. If a pregnant woman is murdered, the person is charged with murder and feticide. Yet a doctor is not charged with feticide...only because the woman didn't want to admit that the thing in her is a living entity. Life is indeed sacred, and in a world where people criticize the evils of war and poverty, of pain and rape, of murder and injustices... how can one then align oneself with the death of the innocent.

I want so bad to find a church that is Gay inclusive yet holds to some form of Biblical Christianity where there is belief in Christ and in the Trinity, in the Resurrection, and in the sacredness of life.

Church Sweet Church

Dear Jack,

Well yesterday, Michael and I were welcomed officially to the community at St. Bart's on Park Avenue. This came on a long day where St. Bart's Singers joined the Choiristers and St. Bart's Choir to sing a Missa Brevis by Mozart too. Bob and Dean came also. After the service Bob and one of our choir friends named Michael joined us for lunch. We ate at a mediocre diner on 2nd Ave.

After eating and having a good time talking, Michael and I went with Bob to a Barnes and Noble and hung out there for about two hours. I ended up purchasing an Are You Being Served DVD.

Dean had a friend (also named Michael) come into town. I didn't care for him, as he seemed to want to slut around. He asked me for some justification for his "lifestyle", apparently equating being gay with being a sleazy person. I told him to look at the Bible and see if it addresses Monogamous, Loving, relationships between men. I sort of avoided the answer he was looking for, because there is no way I can or would justify sleeping around as appropriate and condoned lifestyle for anyone, gay or straight. This Michael took Dean to a bathouse and to a private viewing section of a porno store and didn't understand why Dean did not want to do anything there. He did not get that Dean has standards and is not about sleeping around--he doesn't get that there are many other gay men who want to have a Real relationship--not just one-night stands and mindless casual sex with strangers. I'm proud of Dean, although I wouldn't expect any less from him. He has a good heart and a good head on his shoulders. This Michael also further disgusted me when we learned he has a boyfriend to boot. He says he wants to move here, but I hope he does not.

I tend to be a rather tolerant person, especially with regards to other people's misbehavior. I have no respect for infidelity, and a bankrupt stockpile of sympathy for the unfaithful. I do not think that sleeping around is safe, healthy (spiritually, emotionally, physically), or condonable. That being said, I do understand some of the many reasons that cause people to do it. Regardless, when in a relationship with someone one should be faithful--Gay or Straight.

In the end it hurts the movement for Gay Marriage with infidelity. The same is true of heterosexuals who are unfaithful--it is a mockery of marriage too. And indeed those who are the men and women slept with--what do you think you are going to get out of it? If the person could not be faithful with the one, what makes you think they will be faithful with you?

Not all relationships are meant to be. That does not justify infidelity--that justifies fixing or ending the relationship. Infidelity adds to the schism and emotional backlash between the people, and stretches thinly the soul of the one being unfaithful.

Solidarity With Denmark

Dear Jack,

I find myself amazed at the current escalation in the Muslim regions of the world over the cartoons published in Denmark. In the fall, a Danish newspaper decided to demonstrate in satire "intollerance" in the Islamic world. To do this, they had cartoonists draw some political, racy cartoons that not only depicted Islam in a less than shiny light. In addition, some cartoons included drawings of the Prophet Mohammud. In Islamic faith it is blasphemy to depict images of God or "God's Prophet".

I repeat the reason it was done was to emphasize the lack of tolleration in Islam. Within the past few weeks, several other newspapers in several other countries have republished the articles. France, Belgium, Yemen, Egypt, Germany, Sweden, New Zealand, Australia, and the US---not all European, but mostly. This appearently brought further attention to the articles. What has happened since may be a key point in our history.

Several nations have withdrawn their ambassadors from Denmark. The Government of Denmark was asked to apologize for the newspaper's publishing, and to infringe on the freedom of the Press to publish such cartoons. Denmark responded with saying the cartoons were out of taste, but that the government could not and would not infringe on Freedom of the Press. AMEN.

Throughout the world, violent protests have broken out. In Syria and Lebanon, Embassies were burned to the groud along with any Danish, US, Israeli (how they got dragged in is beyond me), French, German, Polish, British flag they could find. Iran has issued a ban on Danish goods. Threats are rising, and even today there is violent protest.

I scan the newspapers and read the blogs and news agencies online and find pictures of burning flags and buildings. I see signs saying "Was 9/11 not a good enough sign?" and "Remember 7/7" among "Denmark will see the real holocaust".

What gets me most, is that this is over cartoon depictions in a NON Muslim country for NON Muslims. I cannot deny they were in bad taste, but it is not like they were posting them on the door of a Mosque. Indeed one might consider the many anti-Jewish cartoons that have been and continue to be published in the Middle East depicting Jews as blood-sucking evil people trying to control the world. Yet one does not see Israel or the followers of Judaism burning flags, and rushing embassies, and declaring death threats on innocent civilians from those countries.

One need not even mention the plethra of horrific cartoons and "art" regarding Christianity. I remind you of the elephant crap madonna and child. I didn't see any war like threats issued from the Vatican then.

What disgusts me the most is the disregard of the moderate Muslims by the fundamentalists. I think a Muslim should be offended by the cartoons, yes. I do not think they should react in violence and hatred. Most Moderate Muslims, I've found, agree, as they are protesting both sides of the issues. A quintessential image that comes to mind is an image caught on camera for CNN of two Muslim clerics trying to stop the demonstrators, being stoned by their own people for speaking peace.

Things are out of control.

What surprises me the most is the lack of information I am finding on either the GOP or Democratic websites regarding this. One would think that at least one of the two parties would have an opinion. We get quotations by rumsfeld from German papers about Iran and AIEA, but nothing of the cartoons. I found a quotation from our President that was reported as if it were a side issue saying that it was wrong to do the pictures, but falling short of showing Solidarity for Denmark and the Freedom of the Press.

What I do not know is the future. The Governor of New Mexico spoke of the pivitol place we stand, with Iran not cooperating with AIEA and the UN or the EU, with a terroist involved in the USS Cole boming free, with the Hamas in Palestine--I fear there may be some larger altercation.

I have never called myself an enemy of Islam--in fact I am intrigued by it. But I am afraid of some of it's followers.

Ehhhhh

Dear Jack,

I'm worried about Mike, and how he's feeling about his job. He seems very discouraged and unhappy. They have not hired him full time yet, and he wants it now. He has been there for 3 months and it seems like they keep on just delaying it. In addition with me having sore balls, and fearing that it may be cancerous, he really wants the job so I can get on the insurance.

Personally I feel pretty down too. I can't seem to get a job that pays here other than temp work. I have no benefits, and am at the will of a company that has no reason to hire me.

I feel sort of lonely from the Church, as no one contacts me from the diocese at all. It has been over a month and a half that I've been waiting for the bishop to reply or respond. If I am out of the process I wish I knew. That way I can work on something else here with this bishop.

I am hopeful that things at St. Bart's will go somewhere, but still fear that Jim Farwell is too closely associated with the church.

I used to find hope and support from the church, but now in a spiritual desert, the church is far away.

Michael suggests leaving, but I know of no other place to go. I want to fight and make things good again. I want to show that I am not a looser, and that I did nothing wrong. I want to be a priest in the Church, and specifically in the Episcopal Church. That has been my calling for too long for me to ignore it and move to some non-liturgical Christian communion.

So far So Good

Dear Jack,

Well it is nice to comment to you that I have a beloved. He is a great joy and blessing in my life. Such joy comes only from God. I look forward to a wonderful and fulfilling life with him. Thanks be to God.

Over Holy Week, Joy came for a visit, and that was a lot of fun. This Friday, my love and I met my grandmother at the train depot. She stayed with me until tonight. It was a very pleasant visit. She enjoyed meeting my beloved. And I know why...cause he's wonderful.

So the pope died yesterday. I have found myself most upset by the idolizing of him that I see going on. Even my Catholic grandmother disapproved of it. The archbishop of NYC even referred to him as "acting as Christ". I found that somewhat heretical, myself. I did attend Mass at St. Patrick's on Saturday with my grandmother though...even though I was not permitted to partake in communion. I find it odd that Jews have "equal access" to salvation according to the late John Paul, but us Episcopalian Christians are not allowed to partake of communion.

This afternoon I attended Beauty and the Beast with my grandmother before putting her on her bus to Ashtabula. Hopefully tonight I will hang out with my Lobe and with some friends. Although for some reason I'm feeling nauseous. I hope it passes. I miss my love and my friends.

Well that's all for now.

Gay Thoughts

Dear Jack,

Homosexuality describes a person who is naturally attracted to a member of the same sex. There is no definitive cause for this. There are theories that it is genetic; that it is based on the environment of the mother before birth or the nurturing environment growing up; that it is the result of a sexual trauma; that it is a choice. My personal theory is that it is a gift--a gift from God and is naturally engendered in a person's being. That does not mean that all the theories could not be right in some people. However in my experience It is Natural.

My own homosexual understanding came about in middle school. It was in middle school that we were forced to take gym class. That was the first time I noticed the appeal of boys. It was further peaked by my participation in Boy Scouts of America, and while playing club soccer. I was fully aware that being gay was unacceptable by my peers. So I did what many do. I hid it. I learned to respond in a heterosexual manner to things such as discussing girls, being mooned by a guy, what I'd want in sex, what a good marriage would mean, etc.

In addition I was a religious kid. I had been active in church (Southern Baptist) since kindergarten and had recently re-converted to the Episcopal Church in seventh grade. As far as I had been taught, and mind you it was taught to us even that young, homosexuality was against God's Natural Order. This was a devistating thing for me, when I found myself in this predicament. I had felt for a long time that I was called to be a minister, and here was this horrid "sin" to mess things up for me. One which had been taught by me to be a most grievous sin, and one that if you could not reverse, could not be forgiven.

When I entered high school I had developed a very negative self image of myself as a result. I had not pursued girls that much, indeed only once, out of following ritual of what was expected and trying to save myself from being discovered as gay. I reverted to also noticing the sins of other people to a point of overt Pharisitical criticism and judgmental disposition. When I'd attend religious functions often I cried, for I so prayed and longed for it all to be removed. Each Easter I prayed that my feelings would die with Christ, and new feelings of heterosexuality would rise on Easter. Never did it happen.

I went to college, and it was there, that I thought I would openly deal with my feelings. For me openly meant I'd tell someone who was a minister about them and see if he could help direct me in the right path. The head of the religion department was a Dr. Hobbie. He was a Presbyterian (PCUSA) minister. Amazingly I was not the first person to talk to him about such feelings. He told me to pray. That perhaps God had a use for me even as a homosexual. I did pray. I prayed for guidance, for relief. I heard nothing. It was then I decided to pray for something different.

"God I know I'm a homosexual...I read that it isn't right, but you made me, and I can't think of a time where I wasn't thinking the way I think. I don't want this pain. I give it to you. Make me whole as you see fit to make me whole. Use me in my brokenness."

It was then I decided perhaps praying to change wasn't right. Accepting God's creation...well what could it hurt to accept myself? If I wasn't changing anyways, no harm would be done. I realized that my friends, particularly my roommate Caleb and my friend Kevin would not care what my sexuality is. So I told them. I slowly came out... but it stated by coming out to God first.

I felt a release then. As if my life had been a vein blocked and now the blockage was gone--blood was flowing again. I felt the renewing spirit that comes from God rush over me like a mighty wind. Within a few months, being open about my sexuality, I was invited to begin the discernment process. Within a year, having even dated, I was called a postulant, and was sent to Seminary. Indeed not only was I sent, but all of my needs were met...$28,000 financially. Obviously someone wanted me to be a priest, and it came when I came out to God.

One thing stuck with me, "If God is for us, who can be against us". Indeed I think being gay is a hard task... a testing life... but it is not a sin. This weblog will house how I came to that conclusion, and how Christ is still the salve that can heal the souls of those broken by rejection because of their sexuality.

End.

Dear Jack

A friend of mine has notified me they can no longer be my friend due to the wishes of their parents. The reason being I am gay and I was finding the person charming. In addition, I am aware that this weblog is viewed by the same family. I am not sure I understand it all. But it is something I am used to, and I can live with that.

I do want to reiterate that my dealings with this friend have been upstanding and rooted in the discussion of God and of music. Among friends in New York City, it is hard to find those who are Christian and willing to accept a gay man's spiritual journey as just that... a spiritual journey. I myself share a different view of Christianity than you do, yet I am more than certain we agree on one thing--Christ came to save sinners.

I am an Episcopalian and it is not a common phrase for us to say "born again" or that we are "saved". Yet I am a former Southern Baptist, and I do know what is meant by those, and am BOTH. I acknowledge Christ as my personal Savior, that he is God, and that he came and died for our sins, and physically rose again from the dead, destroying death, and ascended into heaven. Indeed I believe Christ to reside in my heart, and I pray to God and walk with Christ daily in my journey.

I hold no ill feelings towards anyone in this. I understand your motives, and ask that you pray for me, that God will work God's will in my life. I will continue to thank God for having had the friendship with your son/brother. And I will pray that you will one day God will reveal to you that I am a Christian despite my sexuality.

Until then, feel free to read my journal if you want. It is directed towards all of my friends. It is open for all to read, for I've nothing to hide. I feel that hiding things from people often adds to an idea of scandal. I am not a person of scandals.

To all other readers, walk in love.

The Issue Before Us

Dear Jack,

I write this post on the eve of the Eames Report. I know in both parishes there is not one mind among you, but rather a plethora of various views and undefinable depths of emotions voiced and unvoiced. Tomorrow a report is being issued which reviews the situation of the Church in the United States and Canada, and the roles of homosexual persons therein, specifically in response to the ordination of Gene Robinson as bishop and the presence of unions in Canada and the USA in the Church. The report reviews as many sides as possible and will offer at least one suggestion as how to best deal with the situation that has unfolded. Already one can find "leaks" as to what the report is going to say, and already are people on both sides (more liberal or more conservative) bracing for the best and the worst possible scenarios.

Among all this disagreement there are also many among you who are untouched by these issues, who have no opinion, or who are not passionate enough with their opinion to express it. For you it is perhaps the hardest as there are many pressures pushing you to be one way or another. I implore you as a middle ground to call both sides to the altar together to break bread and seek reconciliation.

Yet as the Church deals with this situation, so too is our nation at a point of discernment. Across our states, and in GA specifically, there is an amendment offered which is tantamount to illegalizing the possibility for two committed homosexuals to be united legally. One would be hard pressed to find someone who has not heard of the proposed Amendment to our US Constitution.

I am not one to be political, however I will point out that these amendments are hidden behind the phrase "defense of marriage". The point is to define marriage as union between a man and a woman. The insinuated antithesis, is that it is an offense to marriage, or the oposite of marriage for a man and a man or woman and woman to be so united. If one were to want to truly defend marriage, a similar union being illegalized is not the way. Rather I would suggest re-emphasizing the importance and meaning of such a union, deterring people from rushing into marriage, and dealing with the 1/3 of the marriages which end in divorce would be a more direct way of "defending marriage". When the majority of celebrities, people who are held with esteem among the populous, are in second or third marriages, who have married for reasons of wealth and popularity, one questions why homosexuality is the issue being banned. I am in no way saying those who have gone through divorce are the problem with marriage... rather the speedy and illadvised way in which people rush to marriage is, as many of these marriages end poorly. In addition the third and fourth marriage lowers the status of marriage. In addtion the infidelity among partners in a marriage is high, yet often overlooked. The problem with marriage is not two men wanting to be with each other. Rather it is the "return for a 105% money back guarantee if not satisfied" mentality, the high number of infidelity, and the "everyone's doing it so we need to because we've just graduated" mentality. Thus to call the banning of homosexual unions a defense of marriage is parallel to blaming bicycles for traffic jams.

I wish the homosexuals in our parishes and in the church, in the community and government would all stand up and let themselves known. One would probably be surprised at the vast number there is, and who they are. It will never happen however, at least not in my lifetime, as there is not an air of understanding among the non-homosexuals who are at present the status quo.

I encourage people to not jump to irreversible decisions which exclude anyone. Let time aid us in this age. And may God give us grace to love each other even as we are so divided. May we all admit we do not know all the answers and there is none of us who hear God exclusively. Perception defines our reality, but it is OUR reality, not necessarily what is real. It is when we realize we are not alone but apart of an ever changing, every different community that we will learn to overcome our differences.

Above all I encourage you to pray for continued unity of the Church and country.

And the Beat Goes On

Dear Jack,

Classes this week were pretty good. In Old Testament we got to look at a three hundred year old scroll of the Torah. It was used as an aid to show how the condition of a fairly new scroll can be deteriorated, let a lone a scroll from before Christ. The scroll was made of lamb parchment and was very thin. One could see how if it were in the wrong type of temperature or humidity it might become damaged. We learned that some animal skins would have knots in them probably from calluses. In time, they would break from the parchment. He says that many of the older scrolls have had much damage and he wanted us to see how easily damageable the scriptures were. It turns out that the oldest text we actually have of the Bible is not in Hebrew, as the scriptures did not survive. Rather they are Greek translations, many variations among them, collectively called the Septuagint. They know the Septuagint was translated over a period of time in to Greek from Hebrew by Hellenistic Jews. Traditionally this was done in Alexandria by seventy scholars, thus Septuagint (Greek for Seventy). However it is more likely that it occurred over a large period of time with an undetermined amount of translators. One thing that is for certain is that the Greek text includes extra (Deuterocanonical) books. These book were considered canon by some Jews. In fact the canon of scripture for the Old Testament was not closed in Jesus' time. We do have mention of "the Law" and "the Prophets" as two sections of Scripture in several New Testament books. In one book, Yeshua ben Sirach, or Ecclesiasticus, we have refernce to "the Othes" which would include "the writings" such as Psalms, Job, Ecclesiastes, Lamentations, etc..

For a period of years following the destruction of Jerusalem in 70AD, Rabbis met in Jamnia to figure out which texts were truly sacred. This was also done because many Christian and Mandaean texts were floating around. For those that don't know Mandaeans are a surviving Gnostic group who honor John the Baptist as the main prophet of God. They are one of the few Gnostic groups that still exist today. The Rabbis could not agree on some books, for the most part had a text which was very similar to the Protestant Old Testament (not including the Deuterocanonical books). This was debated and the debates were put down in something called the Mishnah. Now the Mishnah was confusing and expanded. This commentary to the Mishnah became known as the Talmud. Now here's the thing that is interesting. The Talmud and the Mishnah inside it contain debates over the meanings of passages, over which books are holy, and stuff like that. Even then, they didn't agree. For example they debated over whether or not Ecclesiasticus was holy or not, and one cannot come to a for sure conclusion among the various Rabbis' accounts.

Now the Septuagint was the Greek version of the Hebrew Bible with Deuterocanonical books. It was this text that was commonly known to the various writers of the New Testament. This is known because of the many quotations from the Hebrew Scriptures are done from the Greek translation and include some variations in the text that are only seen in the Septuagint. Plus some writers, like Paul and Luke, were Hellenistic Jews and that would have been the main text used in the Synagogues. Around 300 AD, the Pope wanted a new translation of the Bible in the common language. Apparently even then people showed up to Bible story with various translations... some good, and others not (I'm guessing there was a Good News version of the Latin). He picked a historian named Jerome to make a translation. Jerome decided to use the Hebrew Bibles, since it was indeed their scriptures. We was very upset to learn that they did not have many of the books. Since he trusted their pen, he decided they must have it correct and the Church must be wrong. So he put the extra books in what he called "Apocrypha". Now St. Augustine heard this and fought him and eventually won out... thus the books remained in the Old Testament since the Church had been using them. Later we learn that the canon is acurate to the books that were used when the Septuagint was made... thus more accurate to Christ's selection of books in his time.

When the Reformation came around, Martin Luther noticed the same thing that Jerome had noticed and put the extra books in "the Apocrypha". Calvin and Zwingli removed them completely. In England, we kept the books in the Apocrypha also, and every translation including the KJV has the Apocrypha (until it came to the more Calvinist America). The Catholic Church held the Council of Trent and in the deliberations decided that if Jerome translated the books into Latin, they might as well keep them. (Of course it we know Jerome translated them, but wanted them separate). Thus I learned the origins of the Old Testament Canon of Scripture. In regards to the Deuterocanonical books (the Apocrypha), us Anglicans have taken the middle road. We claim that they are not equal to the Law and the Prophets, but are still beneficial to read, but we won't base doctrine on them. And it's true, you can get away with reading from the Wisdom of Solomon in Church, but would probably upset a few people if you read from the Hidden Gospel of Thomas (a non canonical but intriguing book).

This weekend we have a retreat at Trinity Conference Center in Connecticut. I'm told it's supposed to rain, but I'm still looking forward to it.

Catholic, Charismatic, Grandmas, and Nephews

Dear Jack,

I woke up early and went to Mass at Mount Carmel Catholic Church. It was surprisingly better than I thought it would be. I came back and ate breakfast (yeah, that's how freaking early it was). Then I went to Holy Cross Charismatic Episcopal Church. I walked in and nearly all of the congregation started hugging me. It was sort of odd. Then I found out that my Aunt Sam was there... whom I had not yet met. So I sat next to her. Then I realized she had a baby, and I gathered it was my cousin... whom no one told me about. GRRRRR. Well then the priest came up to me, and noted how I bowed before entering the pew, and started talking to me about me being Episcopalian and how this service works. He didn't seem to react to me being Episcopalian. Then, just before the service began, my Grandma Pease, Aunt Sandy, and her boyfriend Joe (uncle to be) showed up. The service was like an Anglican service aside from the keyboard and tacky music.

At the time for Prayers of the People, he took prayer requests. My grandmother said, "please pray for my grandson, Jaime, as he needs to get funds for seminary." Then she pointed to me. The priest asked what seminary I was going to (in front of the whole congregation) to which I replied General Theological Seminary. He asked why I choose that one... with an heir of disdain. I said because I liked it and thought it would be best for me. He said, "you need financial aid, and we'll pray for it, and you will get it." I can only hope it is that easy. He then went on a spiel about how I need to be wary of false teachers there, and heretical teachings, etc.. I wanted to say, "yeah, but I'm glad they accept homos, like me." but did not. He then asked if I would be willing to have hands laid on me and prayer after communion. I said, "sure". "hell, why not" is what I wanted to say. And well, hell, why not... no harm could come from it. So they did communion and then I went up for it, and then they gathered like a cult about to sacrifice me to a pagan god. They laid their hands on me and started praying. Some started speaking in tongues. This was my first time hearing tongues spoken in person...above me... by three or four people, including my Uncle Randy.

Just before laying the hands on the priest asked if I had been Baptized in the Holy Spirit... well I thought that happened at Baptism... you know One Lord, One faith, One baptism. Apparently not so with them. He asked what I thought my spiritual gifts were. Uncertain what he meant... I thought Corinthian gifts and said "preaching and discerning of spirits"... I do feel empathetic at times. He then asked, "have you had any manifestations of the Spirit?". I was like... hmmm... I don't think so... I don't know... um... "no, not that I know of." He then said, "Well are you open to them?" "Sure"... ok then... and they prayed that the Spirit will move in me and manifest itself in me while I'm at Seminary. Other prayers included me hearing the Gospel, and boldly being empowered to preach it.

Here is where the strange part kicks in. For a brief moment, my mouth and tongue began to tingle. I cannot explain it. I do not know if it was me nearing speaking in tongues or if my lips had fallen asleep. I said nothing... the prayer ended, and he said, "You're going to be a priest, stay and pray over the others that need it." I did.

I was weirded out about it. I am gay. I know i am gay... they do not. I am very certain they would have not treated me the same way had they known. In their ignorance they gave their blessing and prayers to a gay postulant. They kept telling me to hear the truth. I do not know if what I hear is the same as what they call the truth... but I'm listening.

After that I went with that part of the family to Perkins, and I ate the best Eggs Benedict ever. YUM YUM YUM. Then I went back to Grandma Hohne's house where I napped until around 4:30... I was waiting for my Nephew's to tell me they were home again.

At 4:30 I gave up and took back Signs which I rented for my grandparents. Then I got some dinner... then I decided to try and visit my Grandma Maude. Maude is a friend of the family who I adopted as "grandma" at a young age. We have kept in touch constantly. I drove by her house, and figured I'd try and call... I looked up her name on Cell 411... and they connected me... it was a different number than i was used to. She answered and said, "come on over", so i pulled in the driveway. From her side she had just been visiting with her daughter Vicki when she said she would go home because maybe someone would call. She entered her house, and I called. It was a good visit. Much needed. We talked of everything, and I realized how much I missed her. Turns out she's been reading the Mitford series about an Episcopal priest, and thinks of me every time. She's known my calling since I was in first grade. She is a very open woman, and I commend her for that. We then walked back to Vicki's house and I visited with her too. Then I departed for Grandma Hohne's house. There I got the coveted call from my nephews. I whipped over to visit them. It was a good time. Their mother was out working. We talked till 10ish, then I headed back to Grandma Hohne's.

That's it for this long-ass post.

Homeward Bound II

Dear Jack,

Today I woke up, ate lunch, and then headed over to my Aunt Sandy's house to see her and my Grandma Pease. There was very little conversation, as they were intent on watching the baseball game - Indians vs. Tampa Bay and the Indians were kicking ass. I had no problem watching the game, I just would have liked some conversation. I did get to meet my Aunt Sandy's boyfriend... I think live in. His name is Joe. He seems very hippie looking.

Around 3:30 I decided to trek back from Conneaut to Ashtabula. On TV was Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco. It wasn't that bad of a movie. We ate ribs for dinner and then my cousin Cathy came over. She brought her daughter Mia whom I've not seen in six years. Mia is working on her Masters in Ann Arbor... some field dealing with social work. Regardless it was very neat to meet them.

This evening Grandma Hohne and I got into an argument, so to say, regarding my email practices with my father. She says I should email him more, and I told her it was none of her business. Luckily we sat down and discussed things out, and all is well now.

Tomorrow I head to Mass with them at 8:30 in the freaking morning. Then I head to Holy Eucharist at Holy Cross Charismatic Episcopal Church. I am not looking forward to the second service. It is in a break-away Episcopal Church. My Grandma Pease, whom I am meeting there, has left the gold old ECUSA for it. Being Charismatic all they talk about is how wonderful the minister is. Well I am sorry, but the minister is not the reason to go to a Church. Ministers are human... they error. One should go to the church for God and how God is shared in a growing community. I know the minister has also spoken out against the atrocities of ECUSA and it's "heretical practice with God-forsaken homos". I am prompting for a scene.

Hausers are Gone

Dear Jack,

The picnic went well. We got pictures and have plans for getting together for Thanksgiving this year. I cannot wait.

With the election of Gene Robinson as bishop of New Hampshire, there have been already a few draw backs. First of all we have 10 families who have left St. Simon’s. I don’t know how many have left All Saints’... hopefully not any as the church is already small. Our choir director, Heather H., along with half the choir make up the majority of the families. It did not surprise me that the people who left did so. Many, the Hausers specifically, were looking for reasons to leave. If this is the reason, so be it. I was asked to help with the anthem. I did a piano version of “Shout to the Lord” with my father and Paige H. singing. It went rather well with only minimal mistakes. We did have a few new faces, and I am sure they were people trying on our church for size after hearing of our openness towards gays and lesbians.

Back from Oxford

Dear Jack,

Tea was held at the Old Parson’s Hotel. It was way down the road north of The Eagle and Child. I personally thought it was overpriced for tea. So I ordered a Hot Chocolate. Afterwards we gathered in the lawn at Corpus Christi where we were served champagne by the head of the dining facilities. We had roast for dinner served with wine. I wasn’t crazy about the Sauvignon, as I am a sweet wine connoisseur.

Following dinner, all of us, but Rob and William B.(the latter went to bed), went to The Turf Pub. It is located in an ally near the Radcliff Camera. Grace M. was the big instigator of the gathering. We invaded a section of the pub. I ordered a Port. We sat and chatted for a while. A portion stayed inside the Pub, while a group of us stayed outside on the picnic tables. Eventually all joined us outside. I cannot say there was much deep conversation. The majority of it focused around the fact that Jacob H. was smoking a cigar. Many people made sure to get his photo. There were a lot of photos being taken. I felt honored in the rare cases where I was asked to be apart of the picture. Grace insisted on buying a drink for me, so I ordered another Port. She said, “After this, we can go to The Castle again.” I hoped she was right. However I knew in my heart we would not go. At 11 when the pub closed, we left en masse to find another pub which is open till 2. I knew the Castle was open. The group split... many heading back to C. C. C. so as to pack. The few of us that remained headed to the pub that was supposedly open (not the Castle). We found out that pub, however, had a cover charge. So we headed in another direction (I hoping for the Castle). Instead we ran into Drew and Alison R. There was some argument going on between the two of them. Ali stormed off, and Drew joined our crew. “Damn,” I thought, “Now we’re definitely not going to The Castle.” We headed to The Rose. It was filled, so we headed back to C. C. C. Drew headed to bed. Matt Kay and I were left to enter the courtyard to check our emails in the library. As we entered the court yard, we overheard yelling and screaming coming from Grace’s window. It was Ali. Grace had gone after her. I headed up with Matt to see what was going on. Adriana met us at the top of the stair to explain the deal.

According to Ali, Drew had said something to her for a practical joke--well supposedly he yelled and cursed at her. She felt hurt and confronted him, and they blew up at each other. About this time, Matt and I see Drew at the bottom of the stairs coming up them. Matt and I tried to wave him away, but he would not listen. He got to the top, and Adriana told him he better leave now.

He left. He followed directions... well Ali got upset cause he didn’t come in to talk to her, yet really that was what he had planned on doing, from appearances. Eventually Grace and I ended up with Ali, trying to calm her down. She had it in her mind to confront Drew. Now I know for a fact things would have turned out differently had both been sober... but with both Ali and Drew drunk... neither would be thinking correctly. Grace and I tried to convince Ali to just wait for the night. She wouldn’t hear of it and stormed down the stairs to confront Drew. Meanwhile, Adriana had gone to talk with Drew. I came downstairs to find a crew of people unsure of what’s going on. Drew came out of a different direction and denied all parts of his involvement. This sort of ticked me off. He had been apart regardless of to what degree. He tried to push it all onto Ali. Now I wasn’t there, but I know that it takes two to tango. I said nothing other than, “Be careful, the women are looking for you.”

I met up with Matt again and we headed out into the street to head back to Magpie. On the way we ran into Ali waiting for Drew to come and chat with her. Matt went to bed, Adriana and I stayed off to the side and chatted... and Drew and Ali had an all out yelling match outside Oriel College. Eventually all went to bed.

I slept little, as I had been conditioning myself for the trip home. I woke up, took a shower (used William Brrss’ shampoo as he offered), and then took my things to the courtyard to await our departure. The bus driver was very nice, and good looking. He drove up to the college. Grace and I shared a seat on the way to Gatwick. The line at Gatwick was long and warm. British Airways handed out bottled water for us. Eventually through, we went to the gate. I sat in seat 30H next to an old black man and his Irish wife. He was a nasty talking grump. Behind me was a 5 year old cry-baby who wined the entire trip back. I thought I was going to go insane. I watched Finding Nemo for the second time. It’s a pretty good movie dealing with letting go of those whom you love so they can grow up. I think it is one of Pixar’s best, so far. At the airport in Atlanta we waited for a long time in a cow-pen line. I got through without a hitch.

I couldn’t find my dad at the baggage claim however. This disturbed me as it was an hour after my landing, and he should have been there by then. Turns out he went to the wrong terminal and was about to leave, when we happened upon each other in the Atrium. We came home and chatted along the way. I was surprised to learn his approval of the gay bishop. He doesn’t “think fagots and queers are normal, but they need to be allowed in church anyways.” Now I don’t want to even un-package that statement nor my reaction to it.

At home we watched a DVD-- Bringing Down the House staring Steve Martin and Queen Latifah. I must admit Queen Latifah is becoming one of my favorite actresses. Along with Rene Zelwigger. Midway through the movie we got a very unique phone call.

“Hello, I received a letter from you in the mail, and I replied to you through email, but I wasn’t sure when you were going to check it, so I looked up your phone number,” said the caller.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about,” my Dad.

“Well, the letter says that you’re my big brother, and that you’ve got our father...”

“OH OH OH OH. YEAH!!!!”

Turns out that my uncle hand run across a letter addressed to my great aunt from my half-aunt Lynda. See, my grandpa Day was married to my Grandmother, Marilyn. He was an abusive drunk and left her. They divorced, and he married a Jeanie Miller and had two children... Lynda and Lisa. Well with him not keeping in contact with the family, we never knew my aunts. After finding him again, and reconnecting with his sister and nephews in LA, we were able to track down Lynda and Lisa. Lynda wants to come out and meet us. They live in Missouri.

Truest Part of Love

Dear Jack,

Today I woke up to the loudest sound of the people outside repaving our road. It wouldn't be so bad except that there is only 3 feet between the wall and the road!! This began at 5:30 AM when the sun came out. If you want to shut the window of course, then you die of heat exhaustion. So I woke up and laid in bed until 7:15 when I got up to take my shower.

I walked to the shower to find that my shampoo was missing. Now I don't know who would want to use my girly shampoo... so I assume the damned thing grew legs or hopped away. I have subsequently asked the usual users of the bathroom, and none of them have seen the bottle. I hope Mr. Pantene has a good life wherever he's headed to. Luckily I will be home where I have more shampoo to use tomorrow.

We had chapel again, and the music went fairly well. I have realized that the frozen chosen Presbyterians are even more frozen when their minds are not awake... thus when I led them in a sort of upbeat cheerful song of love, it sounded like a cow dying... moooooooooooo... squish. It wasn't too bad I guess, considering none of them knew it. But if it wasn't for the fact that I have heard them try to sing other songs in the morning with the Organ that were more familiar... I wouldn't be as justified.

Last night before I went to bed, I had chips with curry sauce... bad idea. The curry sauce is really a curry gravy with very little curry or flavor. Thus it was like eating chips topped with gelatinous green gew. The rubbish bin ate the rest of them.

After breakfast was class. I gave a presentation on what I plan on doing a research paper about for Psychology of Religion. Pretty much I plan on continuing research on New Religious Movement that are considered by many to be cults. In studying these movements I want to look at the psychology of the person who is converted to believe in the movements. Many cults are attributed to having mind-controlling and brainwashing tactics. I think this is something worth investigating. Furthermore I find it morbidly fascinating to look at some of these movements. I myself cannot see how one could believe in Alien's saving me, and to do so, I must kill myself. What makes someone able to believe this? And is it really so far removed from thinking that God took the form of a human, was killed, raised from the dead, and then ascended into heaven? I guess it is a challenge to myself especially when in reality Christianity is just a religion that developed from a Jewish Cult which was based on the teachings of a man claiming to have the authority of God who had a close nit group of friends and asked them to take up their crosses and follow him, when it is on a cross that he himself died. Luckily I can see big differences between the two with tactics, focus, and the purpose of the religion to not isolate ones self from the world. And the means is not justifiable for the ends, which is very important for differentiating... however there have been times in history where the means were thought of as justified.

In Hobbie's class we had a very enlightening conversation on Till We Have Faces. Specifically we discussed how people love. The narrator Orual loves in a manner that is selfish and detrimental. In listening to the conversation, I thought a lot of the relationship between Daniel and I. I realized that most of the time I was giving to him even when I didn't expect love in return. I did go through times when if I wasn't shown love I doubted his love. This wasn't fair for him, and it wasn't proper of me. I was desiring to be needed. That's what this book talks about with Orual. I was conditionally loving. Now as our relationship developed, I noticed that I wasn't expecting or feeling like I needed to be needed. Something that stuck out was that I was very happy when Daniel finally decided to not return to PC. I knew this was what he felt was best for him, and although I would miss him, he would be doing what was right. Thinking more about this made me think of a song by Stephen Schwartz. Stephen Schwartz is a modern composer for musical theatre. He has done such plays as Pippin, Purlie, Children of Eden, lyrics for Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the score for Prince of Egypt. My favorite of these is Children of Eden.

COE is a play about growing up and love. It is set in the story of Adam and Eve interacting with God who is known as "Father". Father creates a world to share his love and creates children. Adam and Eve are young, naive, and did what Father said. Yet Eve ended up growing to where she wanted to go beyond this. She ends up eating the forbidden fruit. Eve is asked to leave the garden, and Adam is left to stay unless he heats the fruit also. Adam chooses between Eve and Father and picks Eve. This shows a stage in our development with love. The Father character is not understanding for this in the movie, which is one of the flaws I see in it with Christian eyes. After leaving the garden, the two children end up becoming parents. However they want to hold their children so tight to them too. This protection and overshadowing of love ends up with Cain killing Abel out of anger with this suffocation. The next section deals with Noah and his family. Noah is Adam and Noah's wife is Eve. Cain plays Japheth. The story of growing up continues when on the ark, Noah is forced to decide what to do... he wasn't getting help from Father. Thus he had to be the Father now. He sings a song about his son Japheth who has put the boat in jeopardy by bringing on a wife who bore the mark of Cain.

Oh this son of mine, I love so well, but Oh the toll it takes
I'd give to him a garden, and keep it clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes. Woe!

He goes charging up the cliffs of life, a wreak-less mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble, I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless, and he'd still refuse to hear. Woe!

But you cannot close the acorn, once the oak begins to grow,
And you cannot close your heart to what you fear and need to know,
That the hardest part of love, Is the letting go.

As a child I found a sparrow which had fallen from it's nest
And I nursed it back to health till it was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it, then it pecked and scratched my chest--So I let it go

And I watched it fly away from me with it's bright and selfish song
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungry, and I feared it might go wrong. Woe!

But I could not close the acorn, once the oak began to grow,
And I cannot close my heart to what I fear and needed to know
That the hardest part of loves, was the letting go.

Father, upon hearing this realizes it's true to, and joins in.

For it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you on the day that they are born
They'll leave you there to cheer for them, they'll leave you there to mourn, ever so.

Like an ark upon uncharted seas, they're lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them, the crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves, is when you fear they're lost. Woe!

But you cannot close the acorn, when the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart to what you fear and need to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest part of love
Is the letting go.

The liberation of love is what is talked about. One cannot treat someone like a possession or a child. That's what I've begun to see here. I am relieved to see that I didn't do that, yet disturbed that I did put a dependency with my love. I'm glad for the experience regardless. And I'm glad I can see this.

Later today we plan on going to tea. I am not sure what after that... maybe the Castle. Who knows. We leave at 7:45 in the morning for the Airport. Woe is me.. it's nearly over!

Congratulations Robinson

Dear Jack,

Today I woke up and took a shower as usual. I went to chapel and then to breakfast. I ate some cereal and a roll. I then went and checked my email. I learned this morning that Canon Gene Robinson has been officially accepted as the bishop elect of the Diocese of New Hampshire. I think this is momentous. I do not fear my own place in the Church. Yet I do recognize that there may be possible backlash with this approval. I pray that God will have mercy on all of us and will work through the fractioning of this body so that we may be resurrected anew and continue to feed His sheep. I know there is so much anger felt on the side that was conservative. I hope there is understanding and a willingness for reconciliation. That brings me to something that I think is paramount in our lives. Reconciliation. I want to revive it. I see so many places where it would be helpful for us to be in dialogs over this forgotten sacrament. In PC alone there is need for reconciliation among peers, as with any place. Yet there is also the need among varying groups such as COW and WF. I hear great things coming from the chaplain's office and hope that God will work through them.

This brings me to thinking about the life of Spectrum in the coming year. I am not an officer, and am unsure who our officers are... Grey Brooks I think. The best thing I think that we could do would be to move Spectrum under the Chaplain's office. Right now there is need of reconciliation for closeted gays and lesbians. And I know there are a few at PC. Statistically there are more than would ever come out even after leaving PC. Still there is a fear among them, I'm sure, of what and who they are. There needs to be a place of security where they can come and speak with non-judging people about this. I know that would have been helpful for myself. Yet there is not a place that is known universally on the campus. I think Spectrum can fulfill this role among many other things. Specifically if there are those who are willing to be ears for those who want to speak, then I think things will help. I heard Sheila Hill, before she left, discuss the possibility of something called Safe Rooms. The idea was to have a symbol that people could put up that would be used to signify that one can speak openly about homosexuality with the occupants of the room without fear of repercussion or exposure. T his has been something that has crossed my mind. In the olden days to help show that there was a stop on the Underground Railroad, people put lamps outside their doors. This is reminiscent of keeping your lamps burning to prepare the coming of the Bridegroom, if I understand correctly. I think using that symbol, a lamp like Aladdin's, would be a good option for a Safe Room. I just don't know who to talk about this with.

I went to class as usual. We had class outside for Psychology of Religion. I n the Inklings course, I had a very enlightening time as we discussed practicing through pretending on how to make yourself better.

After lunch, I did some emails and stuff, and then went and took a nap. It was so warm that I thought I was going to die. I have had to go to the restroom about 8 times today and this has not helped me feel cool.

At dinner we had duck. I was rather impressed with the orange glaze. Following dinner a group went about town. I got upset with Holly, blew up at her, and then left the group and did exactly what she told me to do---precisely what had made me blow up. She told me to either stop bitching or do something about it. And I got mad. And then I did something about what I was bitching about. I went to the Castle Tavern by myself. I didn't know how to react to going in by myself. I went to the bar, ordered an Archers and Lemonade and sat down to relax. I found that I couldn't though. I had been out of line, and furthermore the person with whom I was out of line with was correct with her damned advice which didn't help my damned pride.

I have decided officially to become a religion major. I think this will be the most stress relieving thing for me to do. Furthermore I enjoy religion and theology. I hope things work out well. Dr. Hobbie seems positive about this also, which is very helpful