Dear Jack,
On the 26th of August, it will be 5 years that I have lived in New York. I contemplated my time here and all that has occurred in this brief section of my life--some positive, some negative, and others still unclear. While I reminisce below, keep this quotation in mind:
Year 1: Fall 2004 - Summer 2005
When I arrived 5 years ago, I drove a U-Haul from Georgia by myself. I left early in the morning, drove through the day and got in around 9pm at night. I had mixed up my directions when I came out of the Lincoln Tunnel and nearly returned to Jersey. I was not the only one moving in at 9pm that faithful night. Marta from Minnesota was too. We were greeted by very few people. It felt lonely. Three people helped Marta M. and I move into our apartments. Ms. Wright from Nebraska, a Patrick (I think), and Alex D. I think in moving in at the same time, Marta and I bonded.
My room was at the very end of the close, and it was small. I had not realized how hot it would be, nor the noise that would come from the street when I tried to open my windows. My first meal as a resident of NY was at Frank's Deli on the corner.
I know I felt lonely at Eigenbrodt as very few in my class were living there. I was told they had not intended to have anyone living there other than borders, but somehow I lucked out. Most of the people my age were closer to each other on the other side of the close.
I was nervous and naive. I tried to impress people with mentioning who I had met while working at Kanuga. It was disingenuous of me, and purely namedropping. I do not think it worked the way I thought it would. My guess is I came off poorly or odd.
I remember classes being fun, though there was a lot of reading. Some classes did not make sense to me, one was a sort of intro to the Seminary. I did not feel like it prepared me at all, and rather it felt more like I was being tested.
In my first months I made friends with Smoake, Jason, Kim, Shai, and Brendan. Jason is one of my closest friends still... not that the others aren't still good friends. He was from Georgia and had recently moved to NY too. He also was a music major and gay and wasn't appalled by religion. Shai was the first Jewish friend I had. I cherished this because I went through a "I want to be Jewish" phase in high school.
I had migraine headaches. They were always a downfall. I had insecurities fitting in on the close, and felt that I was no longer a unique person. I was surrounded by others who were equally interested in learning about religion. I lost my niche. I tried often too hard to fit in or impress. It showed my immaturity. I wanted friends on the campus, yet didn't know myself well enough there to do so.
One of the highlights of the Fall was the end when I traveled to London with Jason. I acted as a tour guide for him a little. It was good that we could do our own things and then meet back up. This was the last time I've traveled out of the US.--mostly the last time I could afford it.
Over Christmas I traveled home to Georgia, and met Michael online. I also met Tommy and Dean online, as I wanted some gay friends in Georgia. This year my niece Jordan came with Kris and we celebrated one of my most favorite Christmases ever. For New Years, I attended a party at Paige H.'s house.
In January I returned to New York. My birthday was not spectacular, but I spent it with Jason and Shai. A few days later Michael and I met in person. We really hit it off. A couple weeks later we were dating.
The night we decided to date, there was a blizzard, and he was stuck in the city with me. His parents were nervous and tried to find contact information for me online. They found this blog where I had mentioned him as a boyfriend. The next day he dealt with the fallout of that. He was not yet out, and his family was (and to an extent is) conservative. We continued to see each other in secret.
I remember the spring not feeling bad, as Michael was part of my life. I do remember my migraines flaring up as they tend to do in the Spring. I also had trouble financially. My financial aide in the fall was different than in the Winter. I had not realized it would change so drastically. I felt very nervous about finances. I would call home to see what could be sent. Some times I ended up eating hot dogs all week because it was all I could afford. A good portion of the problem was not knowing the financial aid changes, not being able to properly afford the school, and not knowing how to manage finances that were so stretched. Yet I survived it. I had support through Michael and another friend Bob C. who I had become close to at the Seminary.
The summer I attended Bellevue CPE and had quite an experience. Paul Stenke, was tough as nails and really really helped me to find myself. I think he probably had the biggest impact on my theological outlook in my Seminary experience. I am very appreciative for it all. In the midst of that I was given a letter from the bishop calling me to take a year off from Seminary. It was not clear to me what the reasoning was.
It really pained and confused me. I felt tons of doubt and anxiety and fear. I blamed much on my migraines and feared they had contributed to this. I thought maybe I focused too much on Michael, or maybe was not cut out for Seminary. I flew to Atlanta and met with the bishop, my rector, and two representatives from the diocese. I met accusations that bewildered me, and were in themselves contradictory. To this day I do not know where some came from, or why someone would say such things about me. My finances were also a concern, and my migraines as I had thought. I had brought documentation from my Spiritual Director, from some professors, from Paul Stenke, and from friends to offer a case asking for me to remain at the Seminary. Unfortunately, a decision had already been made on that front. In the end I had the option to take the year off for reflection in Georgia, or to leave the process.
After much prayer, I choose to stay in New York and leave the process. My main reason for doing so was Michael. I was and am still grateful to Fr. Dan who was so supportive and pastoral towards me in this process. I also am grateful to Matthew, Stephen, and Bob who helped me spiritually deal with this process when I returned to New York.
Year 2: Fall 2005-Summer 2006
I applied to a temp agency, Winston Staffing. Over the weekend, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. A day later, Winston called me and asked if I would be willing to work for the Episcopal Church. I had not mentioned I was in Seminary, but the rep saw "Presbyterian College" and didn't know the difference between the two. Thus I began working as a temp for Episcopal Relief and Development, recording contributions to aid in Katrina Relief. While there, I heard about a job at the Church Center, to which Michael applied. He has worked there since.
Michael and I found an apartment in Astoria, and invited several friends over in the Fall to celebrate this new chapter in my life. That Christmas (2005) was Michael's and my first Christmas together. He showered me with gifts...it made me cry. I was truly blessed. For mid-night mass we attended St. Bart's and decided to make that our home. We joined the choir and met Michael H., Steve H., and Karen who became very good friends.
In January he surprised me with a wonderful birthday celebration. Many of my friends were able to come to Burrito Loco for dinner. A month later my friend Dean moved in the apartment above us. Another month and we joined a group in Astoria called OUT Astoria. They were having one of their first dinners at Las Margaritas. I met Dirk who would turn out to be another of my closest friends.
No full time position could be found for me at ERD, so Winston assigned me to Amalgamated Bank. At Amalgamated Bank, I met Jane, Renee, Rose, and Valerie who were wonderful people to work with--oh and Mr. Federman: he was grand.
Easter was spent with Bob and other friends in New York. We focused on OUT Astoria more, and on participation at St. Bart's.
Year 3: Fall 2006-Summer 2007
By October I was hired outright by Amalgamated Bank. This was probably one of the best jobs I had every had.
For Thanksgiving, my parents came to New York and stayed with us. It was a grand time.
Christmas 2006 was marred by bedbugs. It was a horrible experience. HORRIBLE. It still makes me feel trauma anytime I see a spot on a wall.
In January, I was offered a job by Episcopal Migration Ministries. Those who advised me in the church thought it would be a wise shift especially as I sought the priesthood. Reluctantly, I quit Amalgamated Bank for this job. I really wonder how different my life would have been had I stayed there.
EMM was a tough job, but I felt like I was doing good work. I was able to travel to DC in May and met up with my cousin Myia. This was grand.
Easter was special for me, not only had I started a new job, but my parents and grandmother came to visit. They stayed in a hotel down the street, but it was sure nice to have them here.
What is telling to me, is that in this year where work was tough, it is harder for me to recall the personal stuff that occurred in life -- I guess too much thought was placed on work.
Year 4: Fall 2007-Summer 2008
In September Michael and I traveled to DC. That Thanksgiving Abigail and her family came to dinner.
In February I transitioned out of EMM, and I found a job at a law firm. I am not going to go into details about the work side of this time in NY. The basic thing is that my boss and I had different personalities that did not always mesh well.
On the personal side, Michael and I had become active in Integrity and joined the board of OUT Astoria. Michael became very involved with Queens Pride. Our friendships with those in Astoria and Jackson Heights grew closer and stronger.
Year 5: Fall 2008-Summer 2009
In August 2008 we decided to find a different parish and in the new parish, seek starting the discernment process.
We were very blessed to find St. Luke in the Fields. The people welcomed us our first week and their hospitality and good nature has never wavered. I wish in the fall and spring I could have directed more of my time to the Church, but there were other priorities.
Thanksgiving was at Abigail's place with Jon and her family.
Christmas was a little tough this past year, mostly due to financial restraints. We shared it with our good friend Daniel F. The spring was quick. Michael and I focused on Western Queens for Marriage Equality, as well as Queens Pride. I organized a contingent for IntegrityNYC to march in Heritage of Pride in June. This was probably one of the best years for Pride that I had experienced.
In July, I joined the unemployed. This is always a blow to someone's self-esteem. I have had much time for prayer and contemplation. This still stands out to me:
The Present with Evaluations
Now it is August 2009. And I evaluate things as being so much better than when I arrived a green, insecure, immature, boy to New York:
On the 26th of August, it will be 5 years that I have lived in New York. I contemplated my time here and all that has occurred in this brief section of my life--some positive, some negative, and others still unclear. While I reminisce below, keep this quotation in mind:
“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”
--Frederick Buechner
Year 1: Fall 2004 - Summer 2005
When I arrived 5 years ago, I drove a U-Haul from Georgia by myself. I left early in the morning, drove through the day and got in around 9pm at night. I had mixed up my directions when I came out of the Lincoln Tunnel and nearly returned to Jersey. I was not the only one moving in at 9pm that faithful night. Marta from Minnesota was too. We were greeted by very few people. It felt lonely. Three people helped Marta M. and I move into our apartments. Ms. Wright from Nebraska, a Patrick (I think), and Alex D. I think in moving in at the same time, Marta and I bonded.
My room was at the very end of the close, and it was small. I had not realized how hot it would be, nor the noise that would come from the street when I tried to open my windows. My first meal as a resident of NY was at Frank's Deli on the corner.
I know I felt lonely at Eigenbrodt as very few in my class were living there. I was told they had not intended to have anyone living there other than borders, but somehow I lucked out. Most of the people my age were closer to each other on the other side of the close.
I was nervous and naive. I tried to impress people with mentioning who I had met while working at Kanuga. It was disingenuous of me, and purely namedropping. I do not think it worked the way I thought it would. My guess is I came off poorly or odd.
I remember classes being fun, though there was a lot of reading. Some classes did not make sense to me, one was a sort of intro to the Seminary. I did not feel like it prepared me at all, and rather it felt more like I was being tested.
In my first months I made friends with Smoake, Jason, Kim, Shai, and Brendan. Jason is one of my closest friends still... not that the others aren't still good friends. He was from Georgia and had recently moved to NY too. He also was a music major and gay and wasn't appalled by religion. Shai was the first Jewish friend I had. I cherished this because I went through a "I want to be Jewish" phase in high school.
I had migraine headaches. They were always a downfall. I had insecurities fitting in on the close, and felt that I was no longer a unique person. I was surrounded by others who were equally interested in learning about religion. I lost my niche. I tried often too hard to fit in or impress. It showed my immaturity. I wanted friends on the campus, yet didn't know myself well enough there to do so.
One of the highlights of the Fall was the end when I traveled to London with Jason. I acted as a tour guide for him a little. It was good that we could do our own things and then meet back up. This was the last time I've traveled out of the US.--mostly the last time I could afford it.
Over Christmas I traveled home to Georgia, and met Michael online. I also met Tommy and Dean online, as I wanted some gay friends in Georgia. This year my niece Jordan came with Kris and we celebrated one of my most favorite Christmases ever. For New Years, I attended a party at Paige H.'s house.
In January I returned to New York. My birthday was not spectacular, but I spent it with Jason and Shai. A few days later Michael and I met in person. We really hit it off. A couple weeks later we were dating.
The night we decided to date, there was a blizzard, and he was stuck in the city with me. His parents were nervous and tried to find contact information for me online. They found this blog where I had mentioned him as a boyfriend. The next day he dealt with the fallout of that. He was not yet out, and his family was (and to an extent is) conservative. We continued to see each other in secret.
I remember the spring not feeling bad, as Michael was part of my life. I do remember my migraines flaring up as they tend to do in the Spring. I also had trouble financially. My financial aide in the fall was different than in the Winter. I had not realized it would change so drastically. I felt very nervous about finances. I would call home to see what could be sent. Some times I ended up eating hot dogs all week because it was all I could afford. A good portion of the problem was not knowing the financial aid changes, not being able to properly afford the school, and not knowing how to manage finances that were so stretched. Yet I survived it. I had support through Michael and another friend Bob C. who I had become close to at the Seminary.
The summer I attended Bellevue CPE and had quite an experience. Paul Stenke, was tough as nails and really really helped me to find myself. I think he probably had the biggest impact on my theological outlook in my Seminary experience. I am very appreciative for it all. In the midst of that I was given a letter from the bishop calling me to take a year off from Seminary. It was not clear to me what the reasoning was.
It really pained and confused me. I felt tons of doubt and anxiety and fear. I blamed much on my migraines and feared they had contributed to this. I thought maybe I focused too much on Michael, or maybe was not cut out for Seminary. I flew to Atlanta and met with the bishop, my rector, and two representatives from the diocese. I met accusations that bewildered me, and were in themselves contradictory. To this day I do not know where some came from, or why someone would say such things about me. My finances were also a concern, and my migraines as I had thought. I had brought documentation from my Spiritual Director, from some professors, from Paul Stenke, and from friends to offer a case asking for me to remain at the Seminary. Unfortunately, a decision had already been made on that front. In the end I had the option to take the year off for reflection in Georgia, or to leave the process.
After much prayer, I choose to stay in New York and leave the process. My main reason for doing so was Michael. I was and am still grateful to Fr. Dan who was so supportive and pastoral towards me in this process. I also am grateful to Matthew, Stephen, and Bob who helped me spiritually deal with this process when I returned to New York.
Year 2: Fall 2005-Summer 2006
I applied to a temp agency, Winston Staffing. Over the weekend, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. A day later, Winston called me and asked if I would be willing to work for the Episcopal Church. I had not mentioned I was in Seminary, but the rep saw "Presbyterian College" and didn't know the difference between the two. Thus I began working as a temp for Episcopal Relief and Development, recording contributions to aid in Katrina Relief. While there, I heard about a job at the Church Center, to which Michael applied. He has worked there since.
Michael and I found an apartment in Astoria, and invited several friends over in the Fall to celebrate this new chapter in my life. That Christmas (2005) was Michael's and my first Christmas together. He showered me with gifts...it made me cry. I was truly blessed. For mid-night mass we attended St. Bart's and decided to make that our home. We joined the choir and met Michael H., Steve H., and Karen who became very good friends.
In January he surprised me with a wonderful birthday celebration. Many of my friends were able to come to Burrito Loco for dinner. A month later my friend Dean moved in the apartment above us. Another month and we joined a group in Astoria called OUT Astoria. They were having one of their first dinners at Las Margaritas. I met Dirk who would turn out to be another of my closest friends.
No full time position could be found for me at ERD, so Winston assigned me to Amalgamated Bank. At Amalgamated Bank, I met Jane, Renee, Rose, and Valerie who were wonderful people to work with--oh and Mr. Federman: he was grand.
Easter was spent with Bob and other friends in New York. We focused on OUT Astoria more, and on participation at St. Bart's.
Year 3: Fall 2006-Summer 2007
By October I was hired outright by Amalgamated Bank. This was probably one of the best jobs I had every had.
For Thanksgiving, my parents came to New York and stayed with us. It was a grand time.
Christmas 2006 was marred by bedbugs. It was a horrible experience. HORRIBLE. It still makes me feel trauma anytime I see a spot on a wall.
In January, I was offered a job by Episcopal Migration Ministries. Those who advised me in the church thought it would be a wise shift especially as I sought the priesthood. Reluctantly, I quit Amalgamated Bank for this job. I really wonder how different my life would have been had I stayed there.
EMM was a tough job, but I felt like I was doing good work. I was able to travel to DC in May and met up with my cousin Myia. This was grand.
Easter was special for me, not only had I started a new job, but my parents and grandmother came to visit. They stayed in a hotel down the street, but it was sure nice to have them here.
What is telling to me, is that in this year where work was tough, it is harder for me to recall the personal stuff that occurred in life -- I guess too much thought was placed on work.
Year 4: Fall 2007-Summer 2008
In September Michael and I traveled to DC. That Thanksgiving Abigail and her family came to dinner.
In February I transitioned out of EMM, and I found a job at a law firm. I am not going to go into details about the work side of this time in NY. The basic thing is that my boss and I had different personalities that did not always mesh well.
On the personal side, Michael and I had become active in Integrity and joined the board of OUT Astoria. Michael became very involved with Queens Pride. Our friendships with those in Astoria and Jackson Heights grew closer and stronger.
Year 5: Fall 2008-Summer 2009
In August 2008 we decided to find a different parish and in the new parish, seek starting the discernment process.
We were very blessed to find St. Luke in the Fields. The people welcomed us our first week and their hospitality and good nature has never wavered. I wish in the fall and spring I could have directed more of my time to the Church, but there were other priorities.
Thanksgiving was at Abigail's place with Jon and her family.
Christmas was a little tough this past year, mostly due to financial restraints. We shared it with our good friend Daniel F. The spring was quick. Michael and I focused on Western Queens for Marriage Equality, as well as Queens Pride. I organized a contingent for IntegrityNYC to march in Heritage of Pride in June. This was probably one of the best years for Pride that I had experienced.
In July, I joined the unemployed. This is always a blow to someone's self-esteem. I have had much time for prayer and contemplation. This still stands out to me:
Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
--Paul's Letter to the Romans, Chapter 8, Verse 26-28
The Present with Evaluations
Now it is August 2009. And I evaluate things as being so much better than when I arrived a green, insecure, immature, boy to New York:
- I knew no one. - Now I am blessed with so many good friends. Most seem to be named Paul, Jason, Michael, or Daniel (seriously I feel like I have 4 of each!).
- I was pushing my destiny. - Now I am letting things happen with my process. There is no rush, no urgency. I know what I'm called to do, and God will get me there in Her time.
- I had no life experience. - Well, I have found jobs, been fired, been laid off, quit, been awarded, got in trouble, got raises, got decreases. I've made mistakes, goofs, screw ups, etc, and I probably will do more LOL. I just need to learn to accept them as they happen, and always try to improve.
- I was alone - Now I have Michael who I share my life with. This is the biggest blessing of the 5 years. In the next 5 years I look forward to marrying Michael.
- I thought I knew who I was - I'm not sure I knew who I was, and am still trying to figure out who I am, but that's good.
- I believed that God had a purpose for my life - I know God has a purpose for my life, and I'm ready now to truly discern what exactly it is.
People told me that I was always a positive person, giving the Pollyanna side of a situation. In my own interpretation of myself, I think I've learned to shield that joyous side. I can't say, at this point if it is a good thing or a bad thing fully...feels sort of sad that I shield or hide the joy. I have noticed that in New York, I have found it much easier to ignore or overlook the positive things in life. It is almost as if it would obstruct the complacency and ability to complain about life. LOL.
In my next 5 years in New York, I want to regain my joyous side of life. Exploring the blessings, and seeking the positive outcomes of an otherwise negative situation. I've not found where complaint without action gets much done, nor pessimism or realism without action achieves anything. I miss Pollyanna in myself.
In my next 5 years in New York, I want to regain my joyous side of life. Exploring the blessings, and seeking the positive outcomes of an otherwise negative situation. I've not found where complaint without action gets much done, nor pessimism or realism without action achieves anything. I miss Pollyanna in myself.
"Instead of always harping on a man's faults, tell him of his virtues. Try to pull him out of his rut of bad habits. Hold up to him his better self, his REAL self that can dare and do and win out"Five Years Have Past. I am still discerning my call to the priesthood. I am supported by a fellowship of friends who genuinely care about my well-being, and who I genuinely care about. God has blessed me with Michael, and I hope I will always be a blessing for him. My family, though tossed by some tough times, still proves to be supportive of each other, and still is moving past familial hurts that are so common in all families. I'm seeking a job that takes my yearning for fulfillment and meets the world's needs, and I am poised to get it.
--Eleanor H. Porter from Pollyanna
“In the entire history of the universe, let alone in your own history, there has never been another day just like today, and there will never be another just like it again. Today is the point to which all your yesterdays have been leading since the hour of your birth. It is the point from which all your tomorrows will proceed until the hour of your death. If you were aware of how precious today is, you could hardly live through it. Unless you are aware of how precious it is, you can hardly be said to be living at all.”
--Frederick Buechner
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