Friendships Falling

Dear Jack,

Leaving all names aside, the issue must be mentioned:

A friend's friend was visiting and was hanging out with Michael. The friend was very blatantly hitting on Michael, commenting on all his features. This is not something totally new, as people hit on people all the time. There was a line crossed, however, in that the person then (having known Michael and I for less than 24 hours) said "You know you, the way he looks and the way you look...[Chap] and you don't belong together. I mean what's with that?". Had the comment been made by a stranger, Michael would have put that person in his place. However, the comment was made by a friend's friend, so Michael restrained reaction to "How could you know? You don't know us." Regardless, the person persisted with questions about Michael's dating experience history. The friend, recognizing the situation as bad even asked the guy to shut up.

Time goes on, and the guy flirts with Michael throughout the day, and into the night, in front of me even. Although I can get jealous easily, I recognize when there is not any chance of competition. This old dude was far from a being someone that would cause Michael to stray, even if straying were apart of Michael's personality.

Over the next few days, the comments made by the guy did bother me. Coupling the comment about Michael and I not belonging together were the comments on the beautiful physique of Michael. Very plainly the reason this guy felt I should not be with Michaelis because I do not look as traditionally "cute" as Michael. This really hurt and pissed me off. What was worse, was that the same guy, the friend, and our friend Bob were scheduled to join us for Easter Dinner.

At dinner, things went well. After dinner, the guy having left us to pursue a fling on Long Island, Michael inquired to our friend about the situation. Here is where things get odd. The friend, not recognizing the hurt I felt, nor agreeing in the inappropriateness of the comments, said that Michael should expect such comments because of the way he dresses. More was said against Michael regarding a proposed "naivety" and necessity of needing to "live in the real world".

Later the friend left. Bob left. Michael and I thought. The things said were very mean, and unrelated to the actual hurt the dude had incurred with his comments. Our friend did not seem to recognize that we were the victims of his dude, nor that his criticizing Michael rather than admonishing his friend played out that he agreed with the friend's comments.

Later that night I visited the friend, and rather than deal with the situation at hand, I was given a bag of red herrings. 1. That Michael and I are too judgmental of his friends, and that this necessitated him having to find a new place to live farther away from us, in addition to not introducing any more friends to us; 2. We bring up his friends to other friends of his and to our own friends, and he felt that was gossiping; and 3. That Michael  is the person at fault for not reacting at the time to his guy friend in a harsher manner, and for his style of dress provoking flirtation. He also mentioned not liking me mentioning him on my blog, thus the no name. (Regarding the story, this is my story, and I am going to write about it whether he likes it or not).

After much conversation, and several weeks of pussy footing around the situation, we finally all talked (not the dude). At first our friend admitted nothing wrong, and expected us to apologize. Michael and I did apologize for bringing up the comment in front of B4b, and for bringing up other friends in front of his friends, and for being "judgmental" (although we don't see it as such).

We got an apology that began with "I'm sorry you got hurt, but..." and then listed why we should not be upset. Mind you we were not holding him accountable for his friend, but for his reaction and his comments on Easter. Again the "naivety" of Michael was blamed for the situation, as well as his clothing. In addition we were told that the opinion expressed was only an "opinion" and is as prevalent as anuses.

Michael left the situation, and I was bombarded with how the two of them could not be friends because of Micahel's reaction to this friend's apology. I stood up for Michael. Michael came back and demanded an apology. Rather than brushing off the situation, the tearful red herring of "y'all are my only friends here" was brought up as a reason for moving on. Still no admittance that the comments were wrong and hurtful to us.

Finally we got a vague "I apologize for everything I've done". I am sure you have heard many people say that such a blanket apology is not really one at all, as it does not give any ownership to the actual deeds done.

We left that night with Michael needing time to think. I go back and forth from finding the apology suitable, to being insulted by it.

If indeed this person cares so much about us, than I would hope he would just swallow up his pride and apologize. Indeed also, if this person cares so much about us he should recognize our hurt.

Upon reflecting on the situation further, I began to question the depth of the friendship. As I looked throughout the time this friend has been near me, I find little white lies appearing that I let go or ignored. I found in the conversations I had with him a lack of understanding regarding the depth of the love Michael and I share with each other. Indeed if this friendship were so deep, he would be able to grasp the many "real world" experiences in just this past year that Michael and I have had to endure.

I just don't see this friendship going on...it is falling. And I don't see him trying to reconcile it at all.