Homosexuality describes a person who is naturally attracted to a member of the same sex. There is no definitive cause for this. There are theories that it is genetic; that it is based on the environment of the mother before birth or the nurturing environment growing up; that it is the result of a sexual trauma; that it is a choice. My personal theory is that it is a gift--a gift from God and is naturally engendered in a person's being. That does not mean that all the theories could not be right in some people. However in my experience It is Natural.
My own homosexual understanding came about in middle school. It was in middle school that we were forced to take gym class. That was the first time I noticed the appeal of boys. It was further peaked by my participation in Boy Scouts of America, and while playing club soccer. I was fully aware that being gay was unacceptable by my peers. So I did what many do. I hid it. I learned to respond in a heterosexual manner to things such as discussing girls, being mooned by a guy, what I'd want in sex, what a good marriage would mean, etc.
In addition I was a religious kid. I had been active in church (Southern Baptist) since kindergarten and had recently re-converted to the Episcopal Church in seventh grade. As far as I had been taught, and mind you it was taught to us even that young, homosexuality was against God's Natural Order. This was a devistating thing for me, when I found myself in this predicament. I had felt for a long time that I was called to be a minister, and here was this horrid "sin" to mess things up for me. One which had been taught by me to be a most grievous sin, and one that if you could not reverse, could not be forgiven.
When I entered high school I had developed a very negative self image of myself as a result. I had not pursued girls that much, indeed only once, out of following ritual of what was expected and trying to save myself from being discovered as gay. I reverted to also noticing the sins of other people to a point of overt Pharisitical criticism and judgmental disposition. When I'd attend religious functions often I cried, for I so prayed and longed for it all to be removed. Each Easter I prayed that my feelings would die with Christ, and new feelings of heterosexuality would rise on Easter. Never did it happen.
I went to college, and it was there, that I thought I would openly deal with my feelings. For me openly meant I'd tell someone who was a minister about them and see if he could help direct me in the right path. The head of the religion department was a Dr. Hobbie. He was a Presbyterian (PCUSA) minister. Amazingly I was not the first person to talk to him about such feelings. He told me to pray. That perhaps God had a use for me even as a homosexual. I did pray. I prayed for guidance, for relief. I heard nothing. It was then I decided to pray for something different.
"God I know I'm a homosexual...I read that it isn't right, but you made me, and I can't think of a time where I wasn't thinking the way I think. I don't want this pain. I give it to you. Make me whole as you see fit to make me whole. Use me in my brokenness."
It was then I decided perhaps praying to change wasn't right. Accepting God's creation...well what could it hurt to accept myself? If I wasn't changing anyways, no harm would be done. I realized that my friends, particularly my roommate Caleb and my friend Kevin would not care what my sexuality is. So I told them. I slowly came out... but it stated by coming out to God first.
I felt a release then. As if my life had been a vein blocked and now the blockage was gone--blood was flowing again. I felt the renewing spirit that comes from God rush over me like a mighty wind. Within a few months, being open about my sexuality, I was invited to begin the discernment process. Within a year, having even dated, I was called a postulant, and was sent to Seminary. Indeed not only was I sent, but all of my needs were met...$28,000 financially. Obviously someone wanted me to be a priest, and it came when I came out to God.
One thing stuck with me, "If God is for us, who can be against us". Indeed I think being gay is a hard task... a testing life... but it is not a sin. This weblog will house how I came to that conclusion, and how Christ is still the salve that can heal the souls of those broken by rejection because of their sexuality.
My own homosexual understanding came about in middle school. It was in middle school that we were forced to take gym class. That was the first time I noticed the appeal of boys. It was further peaked by my participation in Boy Scouts of America, and while playing club soccer. I was fully aware that being gay was unacceptable by my peers. So I did what many do. I hid it. I learned to respond in a heterosexual manner to things such as discussing girls, being mooned by a guy, what I'd want in sex, what a good marriage would mean, etc.
In addition I was a religious kid. I had been active in church (Southern Baptist) since kindergarten and had recently re-converted to the Episcopal Church in seventh grade. As far as I had been taught, and mind you it was taught to us even that young, homosexuality was against God's Natural Order. This was a devistating thing for me, when I found myself in this predicament. I had felt for a long time that I was called to be a minister, and here was this horrid "sin" to mess things up for me. One which had been taught by me to be a most grievous sin, and one that if you could not reverse, could not be forgiven.
When I entered high school I had developed a very negative self image of myself as a result. I had not pursued girls that much, indeed only once, out of following ritual of what was expected and trying to save myself from being discovered as gay. I reverted to also noticing the sins of other people to a point of overt Pharisitical criticism and judgmental disposition. When I'd attend religious functions often I cried, for I so prayed and longed for it all to be removed. Each Easter I prayed that my feelings would die with Christ, and new feelings of heterosexuality would rise on Easter. Never did it happen.
I went to college, and it was there, that I thought I would openly deal with my feelings. For me openly meant I'd tell someone who was a minister about them and see if he could help direct me in the right path. The head of the religion department was a Dr. Hobbie. He was a Presbyterian (PCUSA) minister. Amazingly I was not the first person to talk to him about such feelings. He told me to pray. That perhaps God had a use for me even as a homosexual. I did pray. I prayed for guidance, for relief. I heard nothing. It was then I decided to pray for something different.
"God I know I'm a homosexual...I read that it isn't right, but you made me, and I can't think of a time where I wasn't thinking the way I think. I don't want this pain. I give it to you. Make me whole as you see fit to make me whole. Use me in my brokenness."
It was then I decided perhaps praying to change wasn't right. Accepting God's creation...well what could it hurt to accept myself? If I wasn't changing anyways, no harm would be done. I realized that my friends, particularly my roommate Caleb and my friend Kevin would not care what my sexuality is. So I told them. I slowly came out... but it stated by coming out to God first.
I felt a release then. As if my life had been a vein blocked and now the blockage was gone--blood was flowing again. I felt the renewing spirit that comes from God rush over me like a mighty wind. Within a few months, being open about my sexuality, I was invited to begin the discernment process. Within a year, having even dated, I was called a postulant, and was sent to Seminary. Indeed not only was I sent, but all of my needs were met...$28,000 financially. Obviously someone wanted me to be a priest, and it came when I came out to God.
One thing stuck with me, "If God is for us, who can be against us". Indeed I think being gay is a hard task... a testing life... but it is not a sin. This weblog will house how I came to that conclusion, and how Christ is still the salve that can heal the souls of those broken by rejection because of their sexuality.
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