Journey North

Dear Jack,

Well I could not get to sleep last night. I ended up staying up the entire night. I started my laundry and chatted on the instant messenger for a good portion of the time. I am rather disappointed with the laundry, as it did not come as clean as I had hoped. Specifically, I have a grease spot on one of my shirts which is still there.

On Instant Messenger I spoke with Adrian N. Now Adrian hasn't been at PC since freshman year. We have kept in touch over IM and chat often. He has recently been in a relationship with a girl who ended up dropping him for a drug habit. This has really hurt him. He has always been a bit wild with his life, and I have found amusement in hearing some of the things he has done when drinking. Well this particular night I got into a unique conversation with him. I don't know how to explain it really, but it sort of has made me uneasy...not necessarily in a bad way, but not necessarily in a good way either. I am uncertain how I feel about the conversation in all basic terms. I'll describe it.

First off he started off by saying hi, and I returned the sentiments. We chatted about small stuff like where we are and how the day's been. Then he asked, "Do you masturbate?" I answered honestly and he informed me of his habits. He then shared how he was also masturbating at the current time. I asked if I should give him some time to finish and chat later. He said he would prefer to chat that it did not bother him. I admit that this made my mind think. Next he asked details about my masturbatory procedures and times, etc., and he offered his own experience. I was turned on by the conversation, yet uncertain as to how realistic this conversation was. It is not a common thing for me to talk about with my friends. Still he persisted and started talking about how he liked playing with his ass when he did it. He talked about the pleasures he felt. He then asked me if I could relate, being gay. I can't honestly say I relate to the extent that he shared, but could imagine what he meant. From there he started talking about how he'd like to get a dildo. This was a rather strange comment coming from a supposedly heterosexual friend. I told him he could probably get one online, if he wanted. He was afraid of what his mother would think about it and asked if I would purchase it for him, and he'd come up to PC and pick it up. I do not have a problem ordering such a thing, but did not know if it would be a good thing to do per say for him. He then discussed how he at times fantasized about being with a man. He had many questions about his feelings, and I did not know how to answer them. I think I was unsure if he was pulling my leg or serious.

Had I been more certain about his seriousness I would probably have been able to react quicker. What it boils down to is that he feels like he needs to experiment with his sexuality. He is unsure how to do that. He then proposed that I help him with that. Now I must admit I was flattered and would love to do this. Yet there is a part of me that says very adamantly, “NO!”. I blew off this offer with, "you're just a tease" and told him I wouldn't mind it, but he's probably not thinking clearly. I said if he wanted I'd help him with getting a dildo. Now I did not say I wasn't interested, and gave the impression that I was. And I am, to an extent. I am uneasy however with what is appropriate. That is where the problem really comes. I do not want to do something for sex and sex alone. I think that is wrong. However I do not know how I feel about sexual stuff between people that isn't per say sex itself. Furthermore, I do feel it is wrong for a heterosexual to have homosexual sex. I do not know what he is, and do not want to open doors into something that is not good for him. Thus I am left in confusion over what to do. He is my friend regardless and I don't want to hurt him, furthermore I don't want to get hurt in the process. I think the best thing would be to have further dialog with him about his feelings and see how I can support him in a non-sexual manner. If anything including a relationship were to develop...that wouldn't be my goal but a side effect of helping a dear friend.

After chatting with Adrian and a few other friends (I believe Joy was online for a while too) I went down and chatted with the porter. This was around three AM. The guy seems like a jolly fellow, and although I did not get his name, I feel like he has been one of the best people that I've spoken with since I've been here. Our conversation wasn't water-buggy movies and shopping conversations. We talked of politics, religion, fears, sex. That was a good thing to finally have--a real conversation. I despise continual water-bug conversations that never get into the meat of what people really believe or don't believe. I feel like time is wasted, and that friendship is wasted. If all one spends time discussing is the trivial joys of a spoiled life, I find it hard that much substance will remain in the friendship. It is when people are able to share how they feel unabashedly, that there is a connection. Experience is helpful, yet communication and relationship is what is needed. I cannot connect to someone discussing who the biggest bad-ass in a movie is.

The rest of my group awoke around 4:30, and we met at 5:30 and walked to the train depot. William Br. forgot to pack his backpack again. I really feel sorry for the boy at times, because he tries so hard and then realizes he's forgotten something that he kept on saying he better not forget. He's probably my closest friend on the trip. I enjoy his company and simplicity. Very rarely is he devious, and his conversations are always heartfelt and never reserved. The best thing about William is he's compassionate for those in need. Specifically he brought a roll for me on the day I had my migraine, so that I had something to eat. Others offered sympathy, which I appreciate, and others even less. William discusses being a priest one day. I think that might be a good vocation for him, and if he chooses to do so, may God bless him with it.

The train ride was long, but I slept most of it. In Stirling, we rode a bus and finally walked the rest of the way to our apartments. I got a little peeved with Matt. He was put in one flat, and then moved to the other. His excuse was to make things easier. Logically speaking that meant more of a strain on the other apartment which had 6 of 7 tenants. Albeit unfair to him, I do not think that was his true motive. I think his true motive was that he did not want to be the only person whom he felt was "in" on our side. The professors are on a league of their own, I have few things in common with him, and Jeffrey tends to stick with the professors. I have no problem with him wanting to be with friends, but I do not like being insulted with fictional reasoning such as "It would be easier." That insults my intelligence and further shows a lack of respect of my own dignity. Grrrr... Just peeves me. Furthermore, that “in” group then proceeded to leave poor William Br. He wanted to go with them and they plain-out left him. Their loss. William came with Jeffrey, the Professors and Freys, and myself. We went into Stirling, found a restaurant, The Red Lion Hotel Restaurant, and ate a wonderful meal. I had haggis for an appetizer, and it was wonderful. We then returned back to Stirling University for the night.