Touched by Three Angels

Dear Jack,

My main intention was to go with the professors into Edinburgh. About four-in-the-morning, I decided that I needed some time to reflect with God. This meant it would be best for me to be one on One with Him. So at eight that morning, I notified the professors that I was going to stay and go on my own. I felt that I have been rather negative. This is true, I am a pessimist who is trying to recover. I don't like being a pessimist. It makes me angry (irony?).

I slept until elevenish. I got up and walked to the bus, and rode it into Stirling. I then walked the streets for awhile thinking. I thought about where I was, what I was doing there, and what did I want to do next. I didn't want to think about the last time I was in Stirling, but that was inevitable.

The last time I was there, we stayed at the Youth Hostel next to the Church of the Holy Rude. It was with the choir tour. I remember that Daniel and Casey Robinson and myself were walking about Stirling. We entered the graveyard at the Church. Casey started behaving like a child, running through it, and dancing and doing stuff of that sort. This upset Daniel. He thought some reverence for the spot was appropriate. They ended up arguing over this. This made Daniel leave and want time alone. I remember consoling him later in our room. It really had upset him that she had no consideration for appropriate behavior. We chatted for a while and then went to dinner. He was getting sick of the immature behavior of some of the people on the trip. I was able to relate, as I am feeling the same now. I wanted so much to be able to reach out to him. He had begun to build a wall against this at that point. He didn't want to be reached out to yet. Am I building such a wall? Am I smacking the hands of those who want to help, also? I am very reminiscent of my time with Daniel, as our separation is very much a modern realization to me. Still it is very hard to deal with--and the pain is deep. As I walked through the graveyard yet again, I prayed. I hoped that Daniel was doing well. I asked for strength to move on. To get out of the rut I feel that I have gotten myself into. I wanted to enjoy things now on my own, as I did with him. I didn't want to feel regretful that things were over. I wanted peace. PEACE!!!.

I left the graveyard, and headed up to the Castle. I walked through the castle on my own. It was very lovely, but I felt like I needed my friends. Or just someone to physically relate with. Someone to share my insights and marvels. I had only God, and He doesn't always respond.

I walked down past the graveyard to the Old Jail. I went in briefly, but there were too many people. Too few---too many. All strangers. The streets around me seemed like a cavernous tunnel which suffocated my spirit. I wanted to leave this place...leave the sadness and soar out. Yet I felt that any wings I had, were surely made of wax and would melt. I got on the bus and headed back to the University.

I was at the University all of 30 minutes when Ali, Sarah, and Adriana returned from their adventures in Edinburgh. They invited me to join them for dinner. Taken aback by such a friendly invitation after feeling so cold and alone, I accepted without a thought. We walked to the bus stop, hopped on and headed into town with the intention of eating at the Subway. When we arrived in town we were upset to learn that the Subway had already closed for the night...only 7PM. Brits eat at weird times apparently.

We found an Italian bistro on Friars Street, entered and were seated immediately. Then something happened. I felt God. He was there with us...going between us. I was safe, and comfortable with friends. Yet I didn't hardly know a thing about any of them. This was the opportunity. We took three and a half hours to eat. This time was spent sharing our lives with each other. It wasn't petty stuff. It was good wholesome conversation...not always wholesome, but real. God had answered a prayer, and I felt glad that I had recognized the opportunity. The food was the best that I had eaten on the trip, yet there was nothing that really should have stood out to make it all that good. It was with good people. People with whom I let down my guard and let them in.

We returned back to the “uni.”, and I realized that things on my budget were getting low. The logical thing to do when money gets tight, call home. So I did. Mom was the only one there. I found out that my uncle Derry was back in Jail. Joe was still in Jail awaiting a hearing. Kris had been given orders and was now going to be sent to Iraq. I love how when I call home I get bombarded with bad news. That's usually how things are there. It is probably why I am so quick to pick up on the negative...well conditioned for it. Furthermore I learned that I'd have to call back when dad returned from work to ask about money, because Mom was strapped as it was. That's usually how it is there too, so no big shock. I told my mom I loved her, and ended the phone call.

I went back to my room and fell asleep immediately.