Filing

Dear Jack,

Well we have finally completed our filing. I am tired and glad it is over. I will sleep now. YAWN. Yeah Yetta. I also noted that her competition is not listed as giving anything to anyone since 2007...way to support the process!

Anyways Sleepytime

At Last I'm Home

Dear Jack,

Just got home after a long day of volunteering. Mikey came and joined me and Yetta, and it was really nice. Also I ate a great salad for dinner and it was really that good that I'm blogging about it. Lovari stopped by while we were there too. It was a lot of fun, but a lot of work. I think it will definitely pay off in the end though. MPD may as well concede now! LOL.

Life goes on, and I go to bed.

Millennium Approaching

Dear Jack,

Well this weekend is an exciting one. YGK, EKK, and I have been diligently working on filling out the necessary stuff for the Campaign Finance filing coming up. I can't wait for it to be done, but not because of the work, because of the results we have turned up. I'll post more on that when all is public.

After working the day on things yesterday, YGK, EKK, and I met up with Michael at the birthday party of John. I met John. at an HX Mixer at Vlada. He works for HX and was chatting with our friend Alex. He's a great guy, little shy in the cute way. He joined us for an OUT Astoria event a couple days ago too. Anyways we had a grand time and met some new people, and rekindled the friendship of some people we had met at other events.

I am ready for a little break after all this, but I'm still running on adrenaline so I'm good. I want to see the final result in its completeness.

Anyways, on to work.

Been a Long, Been a Long, Been a Long Day...

Dear Jack,

Had a long day. It was good and productive though. Things are going great with the YGK09 stuff and I'm hyped. I'm about to head to bed, but wanted to post. Not much happened today other than I got a lot of work done, and was there a long while. I ate a hotdog, and that was great.

That's all for now.

Pre-WALL-E

Dear Jack,

Finally feeling myself!!! It is the first day that I am finally feeling near 100% following my migraines. This is great. To celebrate, Michael and I are going to go to see WALL-E. I hope it is good.

The 4th was not that great. Despite not feeling great, we joined Brian and Dave in Long Island City to watch the fireworks. Although the company of Brian and Dave was great, the weather made the viewing of fireworks less than fun...in addition to the loud crowd and the placement of some big white dome that obstructed the view. I heard from many that the fireworks had moved too, which made it more difficult to see.

Afterwords we trekked to Albatross and met Jason and Paul. I had some Shirley Temples...yes don't laugh...they're alcohol free and they taste very good. Everyone laughed at me, but they also commented on how good they tasted. While there Sebastian, Rudy and Paul Z. showed up.

Today I relaxed with Michael and slept a lot... I've done a lot of sleeping with this migraine thing. I think that most of the past few days have been spent in bed with covers over my head.

I apologize to anyone who has tried to get a hold of me, as my phone has been either off or on silent to limit the noise.

Nostalgic Thoughts

Dear Jack,

I was home sick today with my migraine and spent 80 percent of the day in bed with a cool cloth over my head hoping that no one honked their horns out on the street.

I'm in a nostalgic mood. It always happens as I get over a migraine headache. I have often wondered if there is some connection between the two, but have no reason to connect them outside of circumstantial occurrence.

The points in time that preoccupy my mind are all in my childhood. In my dreams as I lay there seeking solace I see myself at our home in Ashtabula. I am floating through the house almost, looking intricately at everything as I remember it. At one window in the living room, I recall the number of Christmas trees I remember. It surprises me how much and how long ago I do remember. We moved to Georgia in January of 1988. I can distinctly remember 3 and possibly 4 other trees in that place...remember decorating them, laying under them with Thomas our cat, or near the fake fireplace with Zach, our Doberman. That puts some of my earliest memories at 3 or younger I guess. I wonder if that's normal.

My thoughts turn to the cabinet we had our TV on, and I recall the fish tank and all the fish, one a shark, that were in it. I remember be fascinated with the fish. Their tank was in a sort of carpet-covered shelf my dad built. When we moved to Georgia, the shelf went on my dresser and also housed a fish tank.

I remember how the couches came together at an angle, and Dad's had an orange knit blanket that used to hang over the back. I'd pretend it was my tent. I remember sitting on the top of the couch shaking my head back-and-forth. I do not know why, but I used to, and very occasionally, will rock my head back and forth in a "no" motion. It would relax me. I remember I used to go to bed doing that. When we'd ride in the car, I would do it and sing. My Grandma Hohne (Day then), never liked me doing that. I remember the first time Michael saw me doing it, and I was embarrassed.

I remember our kitchen, and how we had a table there, but we rarely used it. I always wanted to have a fancy dinner on it, but we couldn't use it because it was too cluttered or broken or something. But there is one time I vaguely remember using it... possibly making cinnamon apples with my Mom. That memory is flooded with golden light outside and the feeling of fall.

I don't know if the apples came from our tree outside or not, I think so. I remember how one branch was low and I could reach it. I was young for going outside by myself. I must have done it a lot. I don't want to suggest my parents didn't watch me, but damn, I sure feel like I was a little young to be out back or in the neighbor's yard.

Anyways, that's all for memories for now.

Hit Me Again

Dear Jack,

So once again I have been bit with the blogging bug insisting that I should write about life and get some thoughts out of my head. I honestly wish it were as simple as Harry Potter, where I could take them out in strands and let them rest in a pool of memories. Instead i tend to let them overpower my dreams and cause me to have broken sleeps as nostalgia and reliving the memories haunt me.

Since writing last, a lot has happened. I worked for Episcopal Migration Ministries through February. I had a really nasty departure from them, and can't say I am completely over how I was treated. I will not take time to discuss the issues, but let's just say that when the job ended, I did not feel bad for it ending, only in that my Supervisor had won against me.

Regardless, I am in a much better healthier place to work. I work for a law firm and a connected ESL school (Hello World). Additionally, I am volunteering on a political campaign for my boss (Yetta Kurland 2009). M3ch12l and I are still together, and still living in Astoria. Not much has changed there except that we are busy with a lot of organizations (QLGPC, IntegrityNYC, St. Bart's Church, St. Bart's LGBTQ Fellowship, OUTAstoria, and I'm sure I left one out).

Our parents are all doing well, and life, for the most part, is very good.

That's about all for now. If all goes well, I'll blog much more often.

Aunt Colette's Funeral

Dan, Nicole, Cathy, Marge, Jeff, Me, Mike, Marilyn, Tom

Dear Jack,

Here is a picture of my side of the family at the funeral of Aunt Colette.

A Visit to Georgia

Dear Jack,

Michael and I traveled down to Conyers for the first time since being together.  It was a lot of fun to introduce him to my family and friends.  My parents hosted a cookout and Caleb, Kevin, Dani, Audra, and Joy were able to come, as well as tons of family.  It was a great time.  We saw the new Aquarium and the new World of Coca Cola Museum.  Michael also got to see St. Simon's.  All in all, one of the best trips home I've had.

Ali G Show

Dear Jack,

After watching Borat, Michael and I decided to put the Ali G Show on our Netflix. Although some may find the show a little low collar, I have to say it is petty funny. It is satirical. I highly recommend it for a good laugh. We just finished the second disk.

I'm also getting into the Harry Potter books. It was after we watched the latest movie that I've finally gotten into reading them. I started with the first and am now mid way through the fourth. I must say it is impression how little the movies deviate, although there are some notable differences.

Well that's it for now.

Renewed

Dear Jack,

It has been a while. Perhaps I should renew this discipline.

I am a different man than I was when I started this journal, and much has changed even since my last post. I feel older. I am happier and more secure in who I am. I want to share this part of me now. I want to paint a picture of who I am, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally NOW.

I work for EMM now. We're still in Astoria. We are active in several social groups and at St. Bart's as well as in the Stonewall Chorale.

Recently I have begun the process of discernment at St. Bart's. I hope this new start will go well. I find myself from time to time upset with the way things were handled in my last discernment process. I wobble between angry and confused, comforted only in that everyone I know seems confused about the "whys" and "reasons" that led to me leaving the process in Atlanta. It has been several years since then. It is time for a fresh start.

Getting Around to It

Dear Jack,

So yeah, it's been a while.

The year was decent. I worked at Amalgamated Bank as a temp from March till October. Then I was hired permanently at the Bank. It was a very nice job...great people to work with. I will miss them, as I am starting a new job with the Episcopal Migration Ministries. It looks to be a very promising job--at least I will have some part of helping others. Not that checking the balance of an account doesn't help people...it's just that it does not necessarily change the whole life of someone.

Mom and Dad came up for Thanksgiving. That was great! Dad has really come to with Mike. It is great.

This Christmas could have been better, as our apartment was invaded by bed bugs. Luckily, we conquered them after 5 treatments and an argument with our landlord.

Let's see... what else. I think that's it for now.

A Visit from Mom and Dad

Gay Morals ... eh... Morals

Dear Jack,

Michael went to General Convention last month. It proved to be rather interesting on several accounts. Not only did we elect the first woman to be Primate of the Episcopal Church, Katharine Jefferts-Schori, but we also acknowledged a feast day for you, Clive Staples Lewis (a.k.a Jack). Many other things were done, and others not done, including acknowledging Christ as the Name for Salvation.

But that's not what I want to talk about. Rather I am frustrated with the character of people that Michael ran across... and it got me bothered. On the trip, people were met who were workers in the Church, mostly gay, but some straight. The common bond with them seemed to be a blatant disregard of personal morals with regards to sexual relationships. One does not expect the whole populous to have the "traditional" morals of the Church, as not all are affiliated or care about the Church. Yet one would think that those who actually work for the Church as cleric or musician would have some inkling of what is appropriate behavior. Out right many divulged extreme promiscuity not limited to one-night stands, orgies, "f#ck" buddies, cheating, and competitions on who gets laid the most at the American Guild of Organists (just to name a few).

I am not a prude, and don't expect people to wait till marriage. Indeed many of my friends have chosen to have much more "casual" relationships than I would. Mind you, when they are in relationships they are monogamous. And I can even understand occasionally screwing around ... although I don't think it's healthy physically, spiritually, or mentally--often many after reflection think the same. What I don't understand is the expected acceptance of such behavior for someone in a leading role in the Church. As a leader of the Church one is automatically put in the public eye as an example. Now whether this is fair or not, it is what happens. And the behavior exhibited by these public figures is seen as acceptable behavior. Thus if one expresses themselves as ones who engage in orgies, and one-night stand casual sex, and that person is also a Leader in the Church-- I have a problem with it.

That takes me to my next ranting point. How can we as Gays expect any form of respect for our relationships--any right to "marriage" if we do not exhibit the ability to be faithful to those we are with, or if we screw around with whomever wants their rocks off? Put simply, we won't gain any leverage. Indeed the behavior exhibited fuels the fires of those who already have it in their mind to disapprove of us. One cannot hide behind "we have no recognized marriage" anymore. Church sanctioned or Government sanctioned--the relationship has to be FIRST sanctioned by the people in it.

It is unfortunate that the stereotype that has been projected about gay men is not similar to the stereotype of lesbians. The joke is: "What is the difference between what a Lesbian brings on her second date and a Gay man brings on his second date? Answer. Lesbian: A U-Haul; Gay man: A second date?"

It is more so unfortunate that the many fruitful long-enduring relationships of gay men is not the stereotype shown in America. I watched the Gay Pride Parade last month as a couple celebrated 40 years together--clapping and cheering followed them as they walked. THIS should be the stereotype and common expression among us.

We hurt ourselves in our sexual promiscuity... and indeed the promiscuous gay man hurts also the community by perpetuating such stereotypes.

And need we point to the Gay Community??? HECK NO.

Equally as rampant, and more so accepted, is the promiscuity among heterosexuals. Television portrays a date as always ending in Sex. The ever popular Sex and the City is a quintessential, well done (sadly), expression of heterosexual dating portrayed in the media. The difference between this expression and the gay expression... say of Queer as Folk, is that society accepts it as a norm.

One person pointed out to me that the Bible "admonishes" possible homosexual expressions 6 times, but "admonishes" blatant heterosexual expressions 360 some times. Yet, unfortunately if one turns on a "conservative" tv station or radio, and one finds very little discussing heterosexual promiscuity and sexual misconduct.

That is truly the saddest part of it all. And to top it all off the heterosexual Church leaders-- in their pomp and glory -- statistically are just as bad as the homosexual ones.

Ok... enough ranting.

Growing Frustrations

Dear Jack,

I am growing more and more frustrated with the current situation in the Church. As a gay man I am at odds with the majority of so-called "Conservative" or "Orthodox" Christians. Yet my belief in Christ Jesus as Lord and Savior is becoming more and more of a problem to the so-called "Liberal" or "Progressive"Christians who are edging near Universalism and downplaying the role of Christ in our Salvation.

There feels to be no place for me. I do not know how much longer I can endure a Church that is unwilling to call in Jesus' name for Salvation solely because it sounds "exclusive" to Non-Christians. One would think that the radical freedom from and redemption of sin that comes with Christ would be sufficient to call upon His name. Rather it seems a fear that any proclamation is condemning rules the roost, and orthodoxy seems to be shoved aside so as to not offend. Christ Jesus' gift of Love and Salvation is not one of condemnation--it is one of reconciliation and freedom. Put as John so wisely did, Jesus came into the world not to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved. The focus is not on the despairing outcast going to hell, but rather on the invitation to come into a certain relationship that saves from hell. Looking as John puts it, the focus is not on exclusion, but on inclusion...an invitation if you will. Paul speaks even more on this in saying that it is not God who condemns but the lack of belief already keeps people in death ("condemns"). Rather it is Christ Jesus who saves... who redeems... who's Truth sets free. He aletheia elethrusaia humas: The Truth shall set you free. Not Condemn.

I wrestle often with who is "saved" and not when it comes to other religions. I do not know. I get a good feeling that the Chosen people may be safe--not certain, but got a good feeling. In the end what I think is irrelevant. If I think they are saved and they are not...it is in God's hands. If I think they are not saved and yet they are... again it is in God's hands. Thus the necessity to speak about who is saved and who is not saved seems irrelevant on this mass sized scale.

The only answer I know of for certainty is Christ. Indeed I may get to heaven to find that the Universalists are right... but in the end anyone, Buddhist, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican, Conservative, Liberal, Undecidedly Agnostic or Atheist...if they are in heaven it is by the merit and grace of Christ Jesus saving them despite their disbelief in him. I do not know if that is how it will work in the end. Frankly I'd much rather let God worry about it and focus on making sure my relationship with God reflects my belief in God as Creator, Healer, Redeemer, Sanctifier, and Lover of All Souls.