AARGH!

Dear Jack,

Why is it that you can have a less than healthy relationship with your father, and then when they are taken to the brink of death, you realize how much you love them despite the conflict? You would think that if we were not getting along at all (as in rarely speaking with each other), if my dad were to be near death, then I would be unmoved by this. Rather I am finding myself drawn to the opposite of this.

Yesterday my dad had a seizure while driving his truck. He appearently got into a bad wreck, he survived and the truck is ok. He refuses to go to the hospital regarding any injuries from the accident, but also regardless of the fact he had a fucking SEIZURE. His main reason for not going is because my family doesn't have health insurance. We can't afford a decent health insurance, and because my father is self-employed, he does not get benefits through work. Thus any small sickness or injury is a big deal if the hospital is concerned. If they treat us, the bills are so astronomical that we are virtually unable to pay. My mother was the last person to go into the hospital, and that was for cancer. We had to file for bankruptcy afterwords because we don't make in seven years what the bills cost for the two days she was in the hospital.

All that in mind, my dad is refusing to seek treatment. This year has already been a bad one financially. Surprisingly my family has had to contribute little to nothing (litterally under 100 dollars) to me being here in NYC. Still they are barely able to stay afloat. My dad installs flooring for a living. In the recession which has followed 2001, my dad's industry has been hard hit. No new homes, and few renovations means no work. Add that to the high taxes for a self-employed person and having to cover any insurance (this is not health insurance mind you, it's just work insurance and workers compensation).

I don't know what to do. I have chapel now. I am sad. I am mad. I am so many things.