Justin is not Me

Dear Jack,
Today I haven't been feeling that chipper. I woke up and was sort of blah. I got to class and all then ate lunch at around 12:30. I ate with Heather, Dani, Teska, and Andrew. I saw Justin come in, and he didn't like me with my hat. It was really sad the way he commented on it. Sometimes he can be insensitive about things like that. I know he doesn't mean to, and that I am hypersensitive. Still I feel very inadequate around him cause I don't dress the way he'd want me to. I don't wear the nicer clothes, and appearently my fashion sense is not good. He makes little comments all the time about it. Last night he said, "why can't you dress like me more often?" when I wore some of his clothes. The big reason is price. He doesn't seem to have a concept that I have to pay for things myself, that my family can't afford to let me buy things at AF. I have to shop at Walmart a lot of the time. It's not cause I choose to, it's just cause there's not much of an option for me. With my Dad being the way he is, I even less want to waste money on clothes. Luckily he has the support he needs. He constantly tells me about the many wonderful gifts he's getting for Christmas, new clothes, digital camera, etc., and I don't me to begrudge him the joy. But sometimes it makes me feel very inferior. I don't know if I will be having Christmas this year. I don't know if I will get anything, other than what friends get me. It is hard for me to relate to him on this level, and I imagine it's hard for him to relate to me. It just shows I'm not good enough for him. It makes me sad, and with the gloomy day, saddness tends to be stonger than joy right now. I missed dinner... took a nap and slept through a phone call from Justin inviting me to dinner. This adds to my frustration, as I am eating cold tomato soup from a can, cause all my friends have already eaten, and my lazy ass didn't hear the damn phone. It doesn't help that I have to leave momentarilly for a damn Christmas practice till 10, and that I may not get to see Justin but for a short while tonight, because of work I have to do.

All in all, I'm in a down and depressed mood, and I don't know why. Everything's going well, as far as I care to see. It's not as bad as it sounds really... just I don't know... grumpy. Groggy now cause I just woke up, grumpy cause I missed my friends and dinner, and frustrated I have this damned rehearsal, on top of inadequacy feelings about myself and Justin. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't try so hard to be what he wants, or is used to. And when I'm with him, it's worth it. I love Justin, despite his occasional richie-attitude. He is young, and most have been provided for him, so it's all good. I hope I will be able to make him happy even if I am poorer.

Strangely enough, its never an understandable issue to the richer person, when a poorer person feels inadequate. Some either think the poor is a mocher, or the poor needs a helping hand. No, we just need to be related to. And Justin tries.