Pilgrim's Hymn

Dear Jack,
On Sunday our new priest arrived in Conyers, Father Dan. He seemed nice enough. He is going to make an inquiry regarding my place in the discernment process with the Diocese of Atlanta. After church I met with him, Paige, Gretta, and Melissa grearding a new music director. We may have found one, but it looks like I will still be directing the choir on Christmas Eve... possibly even playing organ and piano. What a lucky person I am (actually I am excited). Not many of my friends really can relate. It's sad. But I will be leading the parish of 260 families in worship. That's a new and fun step for me.

Thanksgiving wasn't the best time for me, and I was glad to be heading back to PC. For the most part, Dad didn't have anything to do with me. I wanted some one on one time to talk, but he constantly shyed away from that. He and Mom rode with me back to PC. I am not sure why both came, but they did. In Johnston a car in front of us stopped but didn't have break lights, and I nearly hit the car, but slowed and swirved out of the way. The swirve caused Dad's Dr. Pepper to fall out of the cup holder on to him. He got really mad. I sacrificed my coat as a towel. He gripped the entire way up there. I got here, did dinner with Justin and Emily D., and had a good time. At seven I went to choir practice till 9, then over to Anna's to get Justin. Oh before choir practice I stared watching Casablanca with them. Justin kept grinding on me. I nearly couldn't leave for choir. Afterwards choir he came to my room and stayed the night. It was one of the best nights I've spent with him. Great conversation and great love shared. I did pull a muscle trying to adjust for sleeping. My right shoulder and back are aching pretty badly. My second class for the day, Philosophy, was skipped because of the pain. It hurt to put much pressure on the shoulder, and too much weight in my other hand also hurt, so I felt screwed either way. I ate lunch with Matt and Justin, and that was cool.

I went to work and had nothing to do so I played Solitare on the computer. Then I went to visit Justin and Anna and played frisbee with them and Emily D.. Of course I had to use my left hand to throw, and it wasn't too bad. I've been trying to work my left hand skills, since I am not a predominant handed person. I've already gotten a pretty good left handed script for notes. I just need to hone in on the muscle control a little better.

We went to El Jalisco for dinner. On the way, Anna got pulled over for "running" a stop sign. In all honesty, I think she may have coasted through the one at Public Safety, but since everyone seemed to remember her stopping, I just figure I remembered incorrectly. Regardless she ended up with a ticket from a sarcastic little Clinton police officer who smelled like dirty feet. I felt bad for her, cause this is her first violation, and it may effect her insurance. Personally I think the guy could have given her some leway, since it was her first violation, she didn't know she did wrongly, and the fact that it happened with so many people in the car (embarassing for me if I was in her shoes). It's one thing to get pulled over by yourself, but with friends, I think it hurts even more. Dinner was good regardless, and so was the flan that I had for desert. I went to choir rehearsal, and it went well.

I don't feel like retyping all I've said regarding Dani, but it seems that I have been removed from their temperamental clicque, and it hurts. She has always been a real close friend, but tonight, when asked how things were going, I got, "There's so much going on with all of us. Just so much. But real confidential--just among friends. Sorry." Thus saying I've appearently been dropped from close friend status. That really hurts. I've never hid anything from them, and I even went out of my way to get a Christmas present for her and them. I thought about what I was getting them, and now it feels as if all was in vain. Why should they want something from somone not in their clicque? How did I get out of it? Justin thinks he is the reason. I doubt that. And if that is the reason, then fuck them all. I finally get something good in my life, and if that's how they react then fuck them. FUCK THEM. But I don't want to assume that's it. I want to hope things are going badly, and she just didn't realize how removed she made me feel with that comment. I want to hope we're still friends, and she and the rest will try and see what's up and help work things out. Teska tried, but I was out of the room when his IM reached the computer. Of my friends that were on the very close level here, he's the only one who's approached me about my father. Justin has, and Lewis has. Lewis doesn't get the credit he deserves. He is one of the most caring and compassionate people i know, and because people don't necessarily understand his social behavior, they tend to belittle him and ignore him. Dani is a big pusher of doing that. Well Lewis genuinely asks. Justin genuinely asks. Even Caleb will ask from time to time, when not busy. In fact tonight he and I had a great conversation about how things are going. Kevin, now freed from a lot of work, has even recently asked, and wants to know if he could write my father about the issue. And see how that goes. Dani was supposedly one of my closest friends. It really does hurt that she hasn't asked. Mo, I understand a bit, cause we've never been as close as Dani and I. But Mo and I have an understanding. We don't usually go to each other about this sort of thing. That's not an aspect of our friendship. Andrew--I dont' know. I haven't seen him hardly around. I know he got hurt the rather recently with his car. Nothing serious... closed the door on himself. He still seems torn between home and here. He hasn't asked either though. I feel sort of dejected in general by those who were supposedly my closest friends here at PC. I am told I am disillusioned. Well damn it. I'm sick of always having the wrong idea about people. It gets annoying after a while.

Justin treid to cheer me up, but only time will tell how things go. I love my friends, and want to work things out, whatever the problem may be. I just don't know what it is, to even begin to make a plan.

Prayer Note. Aaron is a foster child living with Paige, my youth minister. He is around 17, and is 5'2". He has a growth stunt and scholiosis. Well in looking more closely at the back problems, the doctors have recently discovered a tumor. The tumor is about 12" long running along the spinal collumn. It takes up about 2/3s of it right now. He is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday morning at 8. There is a high chance he may come out paralyzed. He is taking it all pretty well. Much better than most 17 year olds would. He doesn't seem to be scared, but I know he must be. This past Sunday Fr. Dan asked all in the congregation who wished to join, to come to the altar and lay hands on him, for the Sacrament of Unction. I've never seen this congregationally done before, it was almost like being in a Pentecostal Holiness Church. Tonight during practice I nearly broke down. Pilgrim's Hymn is a piece we're singing by Stephen Paulus. During the first line, I saw a vision of Aaron. I felt removed as we sang the song. As if our song were itself a prayer.

"Pilgrim's Hymn" by Stephen Paulus
Even before we call upon Your Name to ask you O God, When we seek for the words to glorify You, You hear our prayer. Unceasing love, O unceasing love surpassing all we know.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.

Even with darkness sealing us in, we breathe your name, and through all the days that follow so fast, we trust in You.
Endless your grace, O endless your grace beyond all mortal dream.

Both now and forever, and unto ages and ages. Amen.