Gay Morals ... eh... Morals

Dear Jack,

Michael went to General Convention last month. It proved to be rather interesting on several accounts. Not only did we elect the first woman to be Primate of the Episcopal Church, Katharine Jefferts-Schori, but we also acknowledged a feast day for you, Clive Staples Lewis (a.k.a Jack). Many other things were done, and others not done, including acknowledging Christ as the Name for Salvation.

But that's not what I want to talk about. Rather I am frustrated with the character of people that Michael ran across... and it got me bothered. On the trip, people were met who were workers in the Church, mostly gay, but some straight. The common bond with them seemed to be a blatant disregard of personal morals with regards to sexual relationships. One does not expect the whole populous to have the "traditional" morals of the Church, as not all are affiliated or care about the Church. Yet one would think that those who actually work for the Church as cleric or musician would have some inkling of what is appropriate behavior. Out right many divulged extreme promiscuity not limited to one-night stands, orgies, "f#ck" buddies, cheating, and competitions on who gets laid the most at the American Guild of Organists (just to name a few).

I am not a prude, and don't expect people to wait till marriage. Indeed many of my friends have chosen to have much more "casual" relationships than I would. Mind you, when they are in relationships they are monogamous. And I can even understand occasionally screwing around ... although I don't think it's healthy physically, spiritually, or mentally--often many after reflection think the same. What I don't understand is the expected acceptance of such behavior for someone in a leading role in the Church. As a leader of the Church one is automatically put in the public eye as an example. Now whether this is fair or not, it is what happens. And the behavior exhibited by these public figures is seen as acceptable behavior. Thus if one expresses themselves as ones who engage in orgies, and one-night stand casual sex, and that person is also a Leader in the Church-- I have a problem with it.

That takes me to my next ranting point. How can we as Gays expect any form of respect for our relationships--any right to "marriage" if we do not exhibit the ability to be faithful to those we are with, or if we screw around with whomever wants their rocks off? Put simply, we won't gain any leverage. Indeed the behavior exhibited fuels the fires of those who already have it in their mind to disapprove of us. One cannot hide behind "we have no recognized marriage" anymore. Church sanctioned or Government sanctioned--the relationship has to be FIRST sanctioned by the people in it.

It is unfortunate that the stereotype that has been projected about gay men is not similar to the stereotype of lesbians. The joke is: "What is the difference between what a Lesbian brings on her second date and a Gay man brings on his second date? Answer. Lesbian: A U-Haul; Gay man: A second date?"

It is more so unfortunate that the many fruitful long-enduring relationships of gay men is not the stereotype shown in America. I watched the Gay Pride Parade last month as a couple celebrated 40 years together--clapping and cheering followed them as they walked. THIS should be the stereotype and common expression among us.

We hurt ourselves in our sexual promiscuity... and indeed the promiscuous gay man hurts also the community by perpetuating such stereotypes.

And need we point to the Gay Community??? HECK NO.

Equally as rampant, and more so accepted, is the promiscuity among heterosexuals. Television portrays a date as always ending in Sex. The ever popular Sex and the City is a quintessential, well done (sadly), expression of heterosexual dating portrayed in the media. The difference between this expression and the gay expression... say of Queer as Folk, is that society accepts it as a norm.

One person pointed out to me that the Bible "admonishes" possible homosexual expressions 6 times, but "admonishes" blatant heterosexual expressions 360 some times. Yet, unfortunately if one turns on a "conservative" tv station or radio, and one finds very little discussing heterosexual promiscuity and sexual misconduct.

That is truly the saddest part of it all. And to top it all off the heterosexual Church leaders-- in their pomp and glory -- statistically are just as bad as the homosexual ones.

Ok... enough ranting.

Growing Frustrations

Dear Jack,

I am growing more and more frustrated with the current situation in the Church. As a gay man I am at odds with the majority of so-called "Conservative" or "Orthodox" Christians. Yet my belief in Christ Jesus as Lord and Savior is becoming more and more of a problem to the so-called "Liberal" or "Progressive"Christians who are edging near Universalism and downplaying the role of Christ in our Salvation.

There feels to be no place for me. I do not know how much longer I can endure a Church that is unwilling to call in Jesus' name for Salvation solely because it sounds "exclusive" to Non-Christians. One would think that the radical freedom from and redemption of sin that comes with Christ would be sufficient to call upon His name. Rather it seems a fear that any proclamation is condemning rules the roost, and orthodoxy seems to be shoved aside so as to not offend. Christ Jesus' gift of Love and Salvation is not one of condemnation--it is one of reconciliation and freedom. Put as John so wisely did, Jesus came into the world not to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved. The focus is not on the despairing outcast going to hell, but rather on the invitation to come into a certain relationship that saves from hell. Looking as John puts it, the focus is not on exclusion, but on inclusion...an invitation if you will. Paul speaks even more on this in saying that it is not God who condemns but the lack of belief already keeps people in death ("condemns"). Rather it is Christ Jesus who saves... who redeems... who's Truth sets free. He aletheia elethrusaia humas: The Truth shall set you free. Not Condemn.

I wrestle often with who is "saved" and not when it comes to other religions. I do not know. I get a good feeling that the Chosen people may be safe--not certain, but got a good feeling. In the end what I think is irrelevant. If I think they are saved and they are not...it is in God's hands. If I think they are not saved and yet they are... again it is in God's hands. Thus the necessity to speak about who is saved and who is not saved seems irrelevant on this mass sized scale.

The only answer I know of for certainty is Christ. Indeed I may get to heaven to find that the Universalists are right... but in the end anyone, Buddhist, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican, Conservative, Liberal, Undecidedly Agnostic or Atheist...if they are in heaven it is by the merit and grace of Christ Jesus saving them despite their disbelief in him. I do not know if that is how it will work in the end. Frankly I'd much rather let God worry about it and focus on making sure my relationship with God reflects my belief in God as Creator, Healer, Redeemer, Sanctifier, and Lover of All Souls.

Literature is Beckoning

Dear Jack,

Another week is ending and not much has really gone on. This week has been pretty low-key which has been a nice rest. Yesterday one of my co-workers took a personal day, and I was proud to show that I could help fill in. Last night, Michael and I met up with one of our friends at The Cup diner, and have tentative plans with her and her girlfriend tomorrow night in the East Village. We are also looking at meeting up with Elyse on Saturday. I think this weekend will be fun.

On the works for the weekend are watching Capote and Bollywood. Michael doesn't seem to care too much about the first, but I think it is great. Of course I have always been a fan of Truman Capote since I read In Cold Blood which the movie closely follows the formation of. My favorite Capote piece, however, is A Christmas Memory, which I will always remember Mr. Smith reading to us during our final exam in AP English in 11th grade. Little did I realized how much Mr. Sm3th and Truman Capote sound alike.

This all got me thinking about literature--well really hanging out with Elyse last week got me thinking about literature. There is so much that I have not read, and should try and find time to read. I actually have a great deal of books to read, and should have enough time to do the reading. It is sad to say that the last book I read was The Da Vinci Code, as it is so cliche and, although controversial, upon knowing reality, is stupid. At least, my last book read isn't a Mozart biography...I need not mention names... or one of the Harry Potter books.

New Jersey

Dear Jack,

This weekend Michael and I traveled to New Jersey. We went with a friend from Michael's Mozart group to another member's house in Raritan. We watched a movie on Mozart as well as listened to music of Mozart or contemporaries of Mozart. We also watched some slides of Mozart related places--all great if you are a big Mozart fan, which Michael and his friends from the forum are. I on the other hand, although enjoying myself, found it a bit much. Regardless it was nice hanging out with them and traveling to the country. Oh, last week we hung out with Albert and Jason. It was great to hang out with them. Albert and Jason both look great--I think they're loosing weight or something. We ate at Acme Diner, which always makes me nervous... I mean ACME for crying out loud... Wylie E. Coyote never had any luck with ACME. Luckily though they have sweet tea.

Grandpa Part II

Dear Jack,

Well this past weekend I flew to Ohio to attend my Grandpa Hohne's memorial service. It was a very pleasant weekend over all--in a manner befitting the memory of a great man. My Dad, Uncle Mike, and nephew Kris sang a prelude of music before the service, as well as How Great Thou Art at the end of the service. My Uncle John gave the eulogy, and it was very touching. After the service, we all went to the cemetery where there was a military salute to Grandpa by the VFW of Geneva OH. Following that, we all went to St. Joseph's Catholic Church to use their parish hall for a reception. It was good to see everyone there, and to share in the food with the family.

After that, the immediate family went back to my Grandma's house to talk and relax. I was happy that my brothers Kris and Lee were able to come, and my nephew Kris. After my Aunt Candy, my uncles, and my cousins left, big Kris and Lee stayed and visited with my Dad, Grandma, and myself. This was probably the most in depth conversation I've been involved in with my brother Lee. It was great.

Early the next day, Dad and Uncle Mike left to drive back to Georgia. Grandma and I met my Uncle Tom, Aunt Annette, and her mother Madge for brunch at Lakeways. It was also a good visit.

Later that day, Grandma drove me to the airport. There I ran into my cousin Ron and his family as they were also leaving (only heading to Atlanta rather than New York). It was a very nice coincidence and opportunity to visit.

Despite meeting for the occasion of a funeral, this was probably one of the best visits I have had.

Friendships Falling

Dear Jack,

Leaving all names aside, the issue must be mentioned:

A friend's friend was visiting and was hanging out with Michael. The friend was very blatantly hitting on Michael, commenting on all his features. This is not something totally new, as people hit on people all the time. There was a line crossed, however, in that the person then (having known Michael and I for less than 24 hours) said "You know you, the way he looks and the way you look...[Chap] and you don't belong together. I mean what's with that?". Had the comment been made by a stranger, Michael would have put that person in his place. However, the comment was made by a friend's friend, so Michael restrained reaction to "How could you know? You don't know us." Regardless, the person persisted with questions about Michael's dating experience history. The friend, recognizing the situation as bad even asked the guy to shut up.

Time goes on, and the guy flirts with Michael throughout the day, and into the night, in front of me even. Although I can get jealous easily, I recognize when there is not any chance of competition. This old dude was far from a being someone that would cause Michael to stray, even if straying were apart of Michael's personality.

Over the next few days, the comments made by the guy did bother me. Coupling the comment about Michael and I not belonging together were the comments on the beautiful physique of Michael. Very plainly the reason this guy felt I should not be with Michaelis because I do not look as traditionally "cute" as Michael. This really hurt and pissed me off. What was worse, was that the same guy, the friend, and our friend Bob were scheduled to join us for Easter Dinner.

At dinner, things went well. After dinner, the guy having left us to pursue a fling on Long Island, Michael inquired to our friend about the situation. Here is where things get odd. The friend, not recognizing the hurt I felt, nor agreeing in the inappropriateness of the comments, said that Michael should expect such comments because of the way he dresses. More was said against Michael regarding a proposed "naivety" and necessity of needing to "live in the real world".

Later the friend left. Bob left. Michael and I thought. The things said were very mean, and unrelated to the actual hurt the dude had incurred with his comments. Our friend did not seem to recognize that we were the victims of his dude, nor that his criticizing Michael rather than admonishing his friend played out that he agreed with the friend's comments.

Later that night I visited the friend, and rather than deal with the situation at hand, I was given a bag of red herrings. 1. That Michael and I are too judgmental of his friends, and that this necessitated him having to find a new place to live farther away from us, in addition to not introducing any more friends to us; 2. We bring up his friends to other friends of his and to our own friends, and he felt that was gossiping; and 3. That Michael  is the person at fault for not reacting at the time to his guy friend in a harsher manner, and for his style of dress provoking flirtation. He also mentioned not liking me mentioning him on my blog, thus the no name. (Regarding the story, this is my story, and I am going to write about it whether he likes it or not).

After much conversation, and several weeks of pussy footing around the situation, we finally all talked (not the dude). At first our friend admitted nothing wrong, and expected us to apologize. Michael and I did apologize for bringing up the comment in front of B4b, and for bringing up other friends in front of his friends, and for being "judgmental" (although we don't see it as such).

We got an apology that began with "I'm sorry you got hurt, but..." and then listed why we should not be upset. Mind you we were not holding him accountable for his friend, but for his reaction and his comments on Easter. Again the "naivety" of Michael was blamed for the situation, as well as his clothing. In addition we were told that the opinion expressed was only an "opinion" and is as prevalent as anuses.

Michael left the situation, and I was bombarded with how the two of them could not be friends because of Micahel's reaction to this friend's apology. I stood up for Michael. Michael came back and demanded an apology. Rather than brushing off the situation, the tearful red herring of "y'all are my only friends here" was brought up as a reason for moving on. Still no admittance that the comments were wrong and hurtful to us.

Finally we got a vague "I apologize for everything I've done". I am sure you have heard many people say that such a blanket apology is not really one at all, as it does not give any ownership to the actual deeds done.

We left that night with Michael needing time to think. I go back and forth from finding the apology suitable, to being insulted by it.

If indeed this person cares so much about us, than I would hope he would just swallow up his pride and apologize. Indeed also, if this person cares so much about us he should recognize our hurt.

Upon reflecting on the situation further, I began to question the depth of the friendship. As I looked throughout the time this friend has been near me, I find little white lies appearing that I let go or ignored. I found in the conversations I had with him a lack of understanding regarding the depth of the love Michael and I share with each other. Indeed if this friendship were so deep, he would be able to grasp the many "real world" experiences in just this past year that Michael and I have had to endure.

I just don't see this friendship going on...it is falling. And I don't see him trying to reconcile it at all.

Leftist Invaders

Dear Jack,

Expalin to me how my Church was invaded by people who make Hilary Clinton look moderate to right? Recently I've been upset at the prospect that the leaders of the Church want to allign the church with pro-choice organizations. In addition I'm finding more and more people afraid to proclaim that Jesus Christ and belief in him is essential to the Christian journey. So many seem so concerned about what the non-Christian is going to say when confronted with Christ--well that concer should be abated if the person in question has chosen to come to the Church to begin with. If one goes to a Mosque one expects to hear about Mohammed, and if one goes to a Synagogue, one expects to hear about Moses and the Torah. Thus one would think going to a Church would allow one to hear about Jesus.

In addition, since when does being Gay inclusive = being Baby killers? I am very sorry to all feminists etc, but I will not and cannot condone the innocent death of a child that is in the womb, that DOES feel pain, that (if in the case of rape) is also a victim. Life being endangered... that is more grey. I read rencently something that stands out. If a pregnant woman is murdered, the person is charged with murder and feticide. Yet a doctor is not charged with feticide...only because the woman didn't want to admit that the thing in her is a living entity. Life is indeed sacred, and in a world where people criticize the evils of war and poverty, of pain and rape, of murder and injustices... how can one then align oneself with the death of the innocent.

I want so bad to find a church that is Gay inclusive yet holds to some form of Biblical Christianity where there is belief in Christ and in the Trinity, in the Resurrection, and in the sacredness of life.

April 2006 Photo

Hopeful Job, New Bladder

Dear Jack,

Well tax money has arrived in my account, and I am happy. This means I will be able to attend the memorial service for my grandfather. More good news includes a conversation with my bosses today at work. On their way to a meeting, they asked me if I was looking for a permanent job. I answered yes. They replied... good, we'll be sure to talk about that at the meeting. I am not sure if that means a job here at the bank, but it sure smells like it.

As I'm typing this, I am watching the news. It looks like doctors have successfully re-created working human bladders. The bladders were actually created from cells several years ago, and were kept on the DL until they knew that the organs were working normally. They say that they are also looking at cardiac muscles, livers, and lungs. If this is a successful adventure, it looks like most problems of health may be fixable by popping out the old organ and popping in a new one with the same DNA (thus reducing the risk of rejection). Woot. The cynical side of me hopes that it would be available for more than just the rich, but I doubt it.

Grandpa Part I

Dear Jack,

Well yesterday morning, around 3AM, my Grandpa Hohne passed away. I am still letting this process... as it is hard to really take it all in being so far from everyone. My understanding is that he will be cremated in North Las Vegas and that there will be a memorial service in Ohio later on. I do not know the details though.

The new job at Amalgamated Bank is going pretty well. The people there are extremely friendly. I believe that I am doing well, as they have moved me on to a more complicated stuff than what I was originally hired for. The other temps are friendly too. I have gotten to know two of them fairly well.

Get Real Review

Dear Jack,

Just saw Get Real, and here's what I thought:

Michael and I watched this the other night. This is probably one of my favorites so far, with regards to gay movies. The acting was actually decent, the plot was averagely complicated, and the characters were likable.

The story was very realistic, a private school setting in England where the unpopular, closeted, gay boy crosses upon the athletic, even more closeted, head boy. Other than it being about gay teenagers, I saw no reason for it to be rated "R"...but it seems the family groups are in charge of the rating systems rather than logical people. There was no sex, barely one shot of one butt for less than a second, little violence, and very little bad language.

All around I recommend this movie.

Failure to Launch not Complete Failure

Dear Jack,

Just saw Failure to Launch and here are my thoughts:

So I saw this ONLY because of McConaughey. And for the most part, it was worth it. The biggest problem other than the obvious predictability of the plot, was the weird inclusion of animals biting Matthew with an undeveloped plot understanding that nature was mad at Matthew for not moving out of the house.

I also wish there were more scenes with shirts off and men prancing around in towels...well Matthew prancing with a towel...and maybe one of his buds.

New Job

Dear Jack,

Well today I began a new job through Winston. I am working at Amalgamated Bank. The people there are very friendly, and I think this will be a decent assignment.

I wish something had gone through with the Episcopal Church Center, but so far I've heard nothing whatsoever. I guess I will just do my best with this job, and see if anything comes of it.

Other than that, there is not much new going on.

Michael's Birthday was on St. Patrick's Day, and we celebrated twice. On Friday, I cooked dinner and baked a cake. Dan, one of our new friends, as well as Dean and Jason. I think it went well. Then on Sunday, after Church, Michael and I met Bob and Brendan at Spice in Manhattan for lunch. So we were nearly able to see all our friends for Mike's Birthday, 'cept Empy, Kim, Josh, and Albert who were unable to make it...all had good excuses.

Well that is all for now.

Disolving Diocesan Bonds

Dear Jack,

Well it looks like it is nearing the time where it will be necessary for me to disolve my bonds to the Diocese of Atlanta. It looks like the process is at an end with the possible chance that I may be allowed to return to Atlanta for further discernment. Since I cannot go to Atlanta, I will probably be let go from the process and allowed to pursue it up here, where I can start from scratch in the discernment process.

It seems like a pitty that a professor or two and some caniving students (now priests) could lead me to such reversal in my process. Ironically, I feel glad to start over up here, and look forward to the process--not so much to see if I feel called but to re-validate a calling I have felt all along.

It is Ash Wednesday, and now begins Lent. My prayers are to find some way to accept he situation without any bitterness towards those that prompted it. Indeed not the Bishop, for I hold nothing against him except a dormancy in communication--he is making what he can out of a situation that has been handed to him--more the students and professors involved, who I hope had no idea of the consequences to me.

This is no end, this is only the beginning of a new chapter. And I still have high hopes.

Church Sweet Church

Dear Jack,

Well yesterday, Michael and I were welcomed officially to the community at St. Bart's on Park Avenue. This came on a long day where St. Bart's Singers joined the Choiristers and St. Bart's Choir to sing a Missa Brevis by Mozart too. Bob and Dean came also. After the service Bob and one of our choir friends named Michael joined us for lunch. We ate at a mediocre diner on 2nd Ave.

After eating and having a good time talking, Michael and I went with Bob to a Barnes and Noble and hung out there for about two hours. I ended up purchasing an Are You Being Served DVD.

Dean had a friend (also named Michael) come into town. I didn't care for him, as he seemed to want to slut around. He asked me for some justification for his "lifestyle", apparently equating being gay with being a sleazy person. I told him to look at the Bible and see if it addresses Monogamous, Loving, relationships between men. I sort of avoided the answer he was looking for, because there is no way I can or would justify sleeping around as appropriate and condoned lifestyle for anyone, gay or straight. This Michael took Dean to a bathouse and to a private viewing section of a porno store and didn't understand why Dean did not want to do anything there. He did not get that Dean has standards and is not about sleeping around--he doesn't get that there are many other gay men who want to have a Real relationship--not just one-night stands and mindless casual sex with strangers. I'm proud of Dean, although I wouldn't expect any less from him. He has a good heart and a good head on his shoulders. This Michael also further disgusted me when we learned he has a boyfriend to boot. He says he wants to move here, but I hope he does not.

I tend to be a rather tolerant person, especially with regards to other people's misbehavior. I have no respect for infidelity, and a bankrupt stockpile of sympathy for the unfaithful. I do not think that sleeping around is safe, healthy (spiritually, emotionally, physically), or condonable. That being said, I do understand some of the many reasons that cause people to do it. Regardless, when in a relationship with someone one should be faithful--Gay or Straight.

In the end it hurts the movement for Gay Marriage with infidelity. The same is true of heterosexuals who are unfaithful--it is a mockery of marriage too. And indeed those who are the men and women slept with--what do you think you are going to get out of it? If the person could not be faithful with the one, what makes you think they will be faithful with you?

Not all relationships are meant to be. That does not justify infidelity--that justifies fixing or ending the relationship. Infidelity adds to the schism and emotional backlash between the people, and stretches thinly the soul of the one being unfaithful.