Winter Conference

Dear Jack,
Let's see how to catch you up. This past weekend I went on the Presbyterian College Winter Conference at the YMCA Blue Ridge Assembly Conference Center in Montreat, NC. We had a lot of people attend. I rode with Chris G. up there. IT was fun. He is a very socialable person with me, and actually laughs at my jokes. On top fo that he has a good heart and a good sense of humor too. At the place, we had energizers which we both hate, followed by Praise and Worship music a la FCA. We even sang "Sanctuary" at an upbeat mode that made Allegro seem slow. It sucked. I found that the majority of the time on the retreat, while discussing diversity and embracing our differences, no one sat with Chris G. or I except Emalley (SP??) and William Brust. William B. even noticed a sort of segregation away from Chris G. and I. At one point I feared they thought he and I were dating, but then thought, "why would they know I'm gay... I'm not big enough news that it spread". So I dismissed that possibility. Chris G. and I did have a good time. We stayed up both nights with some well missed deep theological discussion. He left early on Sunday to become a Moravian in Spartanburg. I stayed, but since it snowed, we were all dismissed after breakfast. I was supposed to play the piano for the worship service, and felt very honored that they had asked me to do so. Thank you Katy F.. Unfortuantely now things have been rescheduled for next Sunday, and I am not sure if my role is the same or not.

I came back and hung out with Willie R., Erick A., and Paul C. in Georgia dorm. I like their personalities and hope to get to know them better. Justin L. and I had a slight disagreement on the Instant Messanger while I was there. Other disagreements throughout the next few days have been based on the same real issue. This issue, which I have not convinced myself to be the only one... but a major one, is that we are on two different plains of maturity. He is just now reaching college and the many facets of change that he's not experienced or knows about, and here I am already gone through that. Thus a lot of our conflicts, time together, relationships, friendships, etc... all that stems from having different expectations and roles based on where we are on our journeys.

I indeed intend to work through this, and I feel he wants to do the same. It will be harder on him because I think he fears change and feels it is always forced and with the possibility of negative conclusions. I wish I could communicate that change is necessary in all lives, and that he will make it out ok. And I fear that I am causing him to have too much change too quickly. I am his first official boyfriend, although he was with Heath and had fun with others. This is a big step with being now at college, having expectations about college not turning out the same, realizing the world is changing, and he has to change even if he doesn't want to... thus he faces an ever mounting anxiety until he accepts that he can't always be in control of the change.

In honor of my beloved, I think of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I myself need to recall this prayer from time to time, because I get caught up way too much in the stuff that I cannot change, and even, should not change.