Whilden Breaks Chairs

Dear Jack,
I accidentally deleted my blog template. This meant I had to redo things on my blog. Justin helped me with choosing a color scheme. Later on, after speaking with a few others, I altered it for the current color scheme.

Last night Juistin arranged a wonderful trip to WaHo with the Ems, Richard, and Anna. Tonight I made the beginings of chili for soul feast, and whilst I made it, I invited Anna and Chris Green. We watched Pirates of the Carribean. Orlando Blume is a serious hottie, although Anna is obscessed with Johnny Depp... who I feel is so so. I do think that Orlando has become my movie-star crush. I needed one, and now I have one. Thank you Mr. Tolkien.

Other tha that, not much of merit happened today. Justin came over and spent the night, and I love it when he does, mainly because I love waking up next to him. It is one of those greatest feelings to have someone in your arms.

Oh and I need to ask Whilden about breaking chairs.

Rock and a Hard Space

Dear Jack,
Night before last I felt pulled in too many direcections. Kevin and Caleb had planned a night of watchng the Indiana Jones movies. I notified my friends who are not connected to them so that they could come too. The night before, Anna IM's Justin and is talking about taking him to the frat houses. Well I was under the impression he was coming with me to the Indian Jones movies. Luckily the frat houses were closed this weekend, and I knew this, so I told them. It then turned into me buying alcohol for Anna and us being in my dorm while they drink...well Anna drink. I have no problem if I buy alcohol and then share it with friends, but I find it insulting to me to be asked to buy it for underaged people. It means that they are expecting me to break the law, and that I will be in the wrong if I don't comply. It is one thing if I voluneer, it is another thing to expect me to break the law, and ask me to. Even Daniel knew better.

Regardless the main issue was that I thought Justin and I were going to go to the movies with Caleb and Kevin. But then Justin brings up how Anna hardly ever stays and is wanting us to hang out with her, etc., etc., etc.. So I was stuck where I had to do something with him and Anna apart from my original plans. On top of that Caleb and Kevin felt hurt that I wasn't coming with them to watch the movie. So I felt a double wammy of guilt. I just wanted to be with Justin. I became bitchy. I tried to talk to William about it, but he ended up letting them know how I felt. Justin came up to the room and started talking to me about the situation, probably more because I was being bitchy than anything. He told me to go with Caleb and Kevin. Well by this point it would be wrong to do that too. I was to be in the wrong regardless of what I did, and that was getting on my nerves. Nothing was working out like it had originally been planned, and on top of that I started feeling quiesy. I figured if my first desire is to be with Justin, then I had to tough out the rest.

So I left with him, William, and Anna to Blockbuster. I felt bad as I went, but wanted to feel good for Justin. It took me a little while before I finally could just let go. It happened when we came back and began to watch the movies. We rented Moulin Rouge which wasn't too bad. It was enjoyable, but will need further study. The cinematography was very spastic in nature. Anna baked a cake with egg-beaters. It wasn't too bad, cept egg-beaters give me gas. I think it also gave Justin cramps, but that hasn't been confirmed, for other possiblities exist. So by the end of the movie, I was feeling good again.

The next day, yesterday, was pretty decent. I woke up late with Justin and ate more egg-beater-cake. He then went home to eat with his parents. They went to Zorba's. Caleb, Lisa, Audra, and I ate some Subway. I had a tasty sub. Then we went over to CIH where we met Justin and a few others to watch The Last Crusade. After that Justin and I came back to work on his fishtank. Actually he worked on it, not me. We put in Chicago and I began giving him a back massage. Well, then I did something that could go down as the dumbest thing in the world. I noticed a cockroach, and... I said something. Well, Justin sprouted wings and rematerialized in Richard's bed. He then refused to cme down until the cockroach was gone. Then, before anything could be done, he came down and got his bug killer chemicals which incldue Windex and Scot's Liquid Gold. Not only did he spray the poor bug, but then he proceeded to Windex and Clorox the entire floor, clean, fold, etc.. It was a methodic atempt to remove any food article from the floor.

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I want to.

Dear Jack,
I've one of the worst migraines today. My left eye isn't seeing clearly, and my head is hurting badly. The meds are effecting it, but I think I'm going to stay in my room all day away from loud crowds and the bright sun. Justin and I have made up, and all is good between us. I prayed to God about it, that the best thing would work out. I have faith that God has answered my prayers, for it was very easy for us to work out our problems. As usually it was miscommunication based on AIM. AIM is the devil, it even corrupts Trillian.

I've started to add my journal from my Germany trip in eleventh grade to my blog. I've only one passage down, but feel the rest will come soon enough. I wish I knew how to put pictures in my blog, it would be really nice. I also need to see about getting Justin to send me some of the pictures he took from my birthday party, and when Lisa and Steiner brought cookies up to me, and Anna brought some kick-ass cookware. This has indeed been my favorite birthday in a long time.

Last year it was on a Sunday, so we celebrated on Saturday night. We had Daniel We...ll, Lisa, and Grace Ph...s over, and I know some other people. Mid way Chris Green came back because he was upset with the Celtic Cross (Presbyterian Elitist) Retreat. He brough a bottle of Jack Daniels with him. I know we watched some sappy gay movie about a baseball team which was reminiscent of poor episode of Queer as Folk. This sparked a conversation with Chris about sexuality. In the process Daniel came out to the whole room which shocked Caleb and I. We watched some more TV, I think Iron Monkey to which Wetherell and I fell asleep on my bed holding hands. I woke up after dreaming that Daniel, Grace, and WYlie were having an orgy in the loft. I went to go investigate and passed out in front of the door. Chris and Caleb found me like that and woke me up, Chris being drunk made comments like "What if there's a fire? We'll never move his fat ass." and "Is he dead??" and other comical stuff. When I tried to get up, my foot caught the closet door and it swung open, scaring Chris, who beat it against me. I went to bed in my bed assured that there was no orgy, and Caleb in his, and Chris on our futon.

This birthday was a lot better even with the little argument Jusitn and I had, for we made up, and making up is one of the best things about an argument.

Damned T-Shirt

Dear Jack,
So today was my birthday. It went fairly well despite the fact that I felt sad. I think my meds are messed up and will go see the doctor to clarify that things are still working right. Regardless I have upset Justin. He tried very hard to make my birthday wonderful, and I didn't appreciate all he did. I will admit further fault in being upset that I was not included in a T-shirt that some friends made. Since Justin was included, I took it out on him when I should not have. I do think that it would have been nice if he included me, but that's the past. In talking with him, I learned that he didn't think of me because he separates me from his group of friends. It is as if we are two camps and he goes between, and he likes it that way. I know it would be hard on me to do that, so I took the inititive to try and get to know some of his friends better. In a way this has smothered Justin, as he always separated us in his mind. I am friends with Lewis and Anna despite getting to know them with Justin's friends. I have no problem backing away from the others though. I don't want to continue to smother Justin, and if this is indeed what he wants, then I can definately do that. Unfortunately we did not communicate well over this topic. It ended with me thinking he's going to break up with me. Thus, it is 2:25 AM and I having trouble sleeping. This is no fault of his, but just the way I react with my stresses. I know I love him, and I know that I have no problem letting those friends go if it makes him feel better. I just never knew how much it mattered to him until tonight. I know he will read this, and I hope he can realize that I am not immovable.

In talking with a mutual friend I was told that perhapse Justin doesn't like me being passive agressive. I am not sure if that means he wants me to be more aggressive or more passive. I know he seems to take a passive approach to things, but in the thing I thought I was being more agressive in, I seemed to have failed. I just want to be supportive of his needs, and to have him be supportive of mine.

I learned also today that Justin is not certain how my depression effects me. This is something that again I've failed to do. I haven't explained it well enough to him for it to be something to allieveate stress. I almost get the impression he thinks that he is my biggest stressor, when in actually he is my best relief.

It tears me up inside to learn that he thinks i am his biggest stressor and that he feels fed up. I am lost and don't know what do to quell that. I do not want to stress him, and indeed have neglected to share some of my stresses with him. In the past, Daniel W. had similar complaints about me. Yet both seem upset when I don't share my stresses. Thus I am at a loss as again what to do.

Tonight Justin said that actions speak louder than words. What action should I take. My action would be to hug him and let him have what he wants. Yet I don't know if that's what he wants nor if my actions would be even close to conveying how sincerelly I love him and feel sorry for not appreciating him on my birthday, and how sorry I am for not dealing with his friends as he prefered. I sincerely thought I was doing what was right in getting to be closer with his friends, and never meant to hurt him. Now, all I know is that i love him, and that I want to make amends to this mess and wash the kelp from our beach.

I fear that this may be the last time I write in this journal as Justin's boyfriend. I will not end it, but I am not sure if he will keep it, especially under so heavy a stress. I can only hope and pray that things work out.

Birthday Wishes

Dear Jack,
Today has been not too bad of a day. This weekend wasn't too bad of a weekend either. I held a dinner party on Friday. Originally it was going to be Justin L., Caleb B., James S., Kevin C., Dani F., Daniel T., and maybe one or two other friends. Well by the time the night came, it was just Justin L., Caleb B., Kevin C., and I, the others having things pop up unexpectedly. Regardless I found some other people to share the night with, Lewis K., James (from Canada), the Emilys, Richard P., and Lisa H.. I cooked steaks and salad. In all honesty, I did it all out of selfish reasons. I don't expect many to remember my birthday, so if I throw my own party, then people will come and actually celebrate it, although I am unsure they knew what was going on when they were invited. In the past three years, only last year did people do anything, and that was Daniel W. and Caleb B. because it was my 21st birthday. This year's a lot nicer with Justin L. though. Well after dinner, we played games, and then Dani F. and Daniel T. came in. They stayed after the games and we talked, it was pretty nice.

Last night we had another dinner get together, this time adding Audra A. and the Hobbits, their friend Mike, and minus my Justin-friends. We went to Gooney Birds. I felt deengergized after leaving there. I am not sure why, but my energy and enthusiasm seemed to have left me. Justin L. and I came back and watched League of Extraordinary Gentlelment. It wasn't too bad. During the night, Justin L. left the bed for the futon, the room was sweltering.

I wen to church today and was chalice bearer and a lector. It would have been nice if we had a sermon, but Mtr. Joye had us go over our Baptismal Covenants instead. After Church I came back and ate lunch with Justin L., then we took turns playing Civilizations III. I unfortunately fell asleep, and feel really bad. Read an email from Joy R. with neat news about a boy named Zach. Congrats to her, and I hope it goes well.

We had Cantebury Club tonight, and it went well, cept I still haven't seen this leader, Bryant B., for he didn't come. We watched Bruce Almighty. It was surprisingly good. I recommend it. We then discussed it. Oh, and there was free pizza. William O., Paul C., Lana, and Polly S. (Willie's girlfriend), and Jenniefer R.were the students other than myself who attended. We had Domino's pizza... we're still not sure what the truth is on Papa John's and if or if not they are closing, but they were not open to take our order.

Now it comes to it, it's 11PM on the 11th of January. Will anyone other than Justin L. remember it's my birthday tomorrow? I think I've lost faith in anyone doing so. A birthday just becomes another day. My dad sent up some earphones for my piano for my birthday present. They're pretty nice, but huge, even though new.

I sometimes wish that my birthday would be something extraordinary, but in all honesty, it has lost its charm. No one tends to care about those sort of things. Ideally, people would come over and say "hi" or put up flyers... but I guess that's more of a girl thing. Oh well, there I go moping. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Epiphany Update

Dear Jack,
I have had a wonderful time with Justin over the past week. He came down with Roberta, a friend of his, and brought me back to York. We stayed at his friend Nikki's house. It was a lot of fun, and I really nearly cried. I have never had someone go out of their way to do something like this for me. Nor have I ever felt the joy of having someone wanting to be with me and missing me. It was soo amazing. We came back to PC and I reorganized my room. I like it better now for sure... especially how my chair is next to the bed. If my window were not blocked by my "curtain" I could look out on the campus as I chat with people online. I also have my clock in front of me, which is pretty cool.

Justin and I have been hanging out a lot, and it has meant a great deal to me.

Classes began today, and nothing was really too hard. Choir at noon and then Music History at 1:30 were my only classes today. It is also Epiphany, and Justin remembered. The weekend looks fun. I was originally headed home to go to a meeting with the diocese, however Bishop Childs, a retired bishop in Atlanta, died. The funeral is on Thursday, so the meeting has ben postponed. Alas. Mom will be coming up with my things on Thursday. She has the flu.

New stuff... Dani's in a new room, Leiann and Laurel are in a new room, and Wetherell has an ear ring. Grace has failed at keeping up with us, leaving no way of communicating ot her open. Justin has become addicted to Civilization III. I yelled at Willie for making a racial joke, but we made up. I had a dream about me working at Kanuga and loosing my cassock during an important service. It wasn't a good dream at all--very stressful. OH JUSTIN MAY be working with me at Kanuga this summer, assuming all things work out with employment. THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY AWESOME!!! Well that's about it. I'm sleepy, but felt I should update.

Christmas and New Years

Dear Jack,
So I am over at Joy's celebrating the New Year. But before I get into that, let me put on record that this has been the best Christmas ever. Last year was the second best, mind you. This year, however takes the cake. I went into this with great anxiety.

Well Here was my Christmas Eve. Lucy came over mid-afternoon. Joy and Grandma & Grandpa Hohne both were on their way to meet at the early service at Church. Mom made a store-bought Lasagna. It was not all that good, but well food is food, and it was nice to have Aunt Lucy there.

Dad and I met the choir at church. We practiced the anthem I arranged. The night went off pretty good... G and G Hohne came on time, and Joy stopped in for a short time. After the first service, we went home and ate Cheese and Sausage, a family staple during the holidays. Then Dad and I headed back to the Church. OH One thing I must mention... Mike came over... he was not only well behaved, but pleasant to be with. It was rather different. He's even going to help Lucy get a job. It was eerilly nice.

The late service went nicely... I was asked to do the Silent Night arrangement again at the last moment. I got several complements from the choir on my conducting, and how clear and helpful it was. I'll have to let Big Stoge know.

We came home and I stayed up watching Bishop Alexander on ABC and Pope John Paul II on NBC. It's been a Christmas Tradition to watch them together each year. Lucy liked it too. Grandma and Grandpa and Mike tried to go to Midnight mass... but St. Pius' mass was in Spanish, and they could not find the Monastery.

The next day, I got up early with Mom, Dad, and Lucy, and we drove over to St. Simon's for a 10:30 AM Chirst Mass. Unfortunately Fr. Dan was late, so we left before it started. Oh... Need to mention that Fr. Dan was contacted on Christmas Eve by the Diocese of Atlanta. The bishop's secretary and the canon for the ordinary said it was ok for me to go ahead and start applying for seminary, which means that there is a ninety-nine percent chance of a complete goahead from PC. Also I was told that my seminary of choice, General Theological Seminary (www.gts.edu) is a good choice. Anyways... back to Christmas Day. I cooked a roast, made sweet potatoe casserole and aspearagus casserole whilst my grandparents, parental units, and aunt all had some discussion time. It again was pleasant. Then Mike came over, and we opened gifts. Again he was more pleasant than I've ever seen him.

For Christmas I got a nice jacket, a microwave, money from grandparents (both sets and Winnie Daniel), a teddy bear (Aslan) from Justin, a name picture art creation by Anna, underwear (American Eagle) from Joy, a subscription to XY Magazine (reminder to send it in) from Joy, grinch boxers from Mom, and a box of chocolates from G'ma Pease, and a poster of Christ Knocking at the Door from St. Paul's London from Paige and Terry. All in all it was a good haul. In all honesty the Microwave is a bit big for me and the boys, a 1300 watt Panasonic... however I'm assured it was on sale and did not put my parents back too badly. We ate Christmas dinner around 4 and all were pleasant and wonderful. It was almost like a TV movie... like Prancer... not like A Christmas Story.

Joy and Wanda and Jim came by the next day (Saturday). Joy and I hung out throughout the week and went to the movies twice... seeing LOTR and Peter Pan which was a damned good movie by the way.

Now I am at Wanda and Jim's with Joy and my parents celbrating the New Year's dawn. I miss Justin, and luckily have been able to talk to him.

Anyways, back to here... went to eat a most disturbing dinner at Western Sizzlin... the salad was rotten. Then we went to the Food Depot. At the food depot I had a rather embarrassing incident... see in Alabama you can't buy alcohol if you have someone with you who looks like a minor who doesn't have ID. That minor looking person was Joy... and so they refused to sell it to me... even with Joy's mother coming and verifying her age. I had to exit the store, reenter... collect my alcohol from them at the register and pay for it with Joy not near me. It was the dumbest and most embarrasing this Christmas.

Dad and Jim did bottle rockets a bit ago, and now we're headed up stairs to see whatever drops in the Central Time Zone, drop.

Christmas Concerns

Dear Jack,
Here it is, nearly Christmas, and I feel like it is no different than mid-January. Dad never got back to me about a gift for mom, so I bought her a watch on sale at Walmart. I had to do some shopping for Joy and my grandparents, and my Aunt Lucy. They're the only one's here getting anything from me. I wish I could give more, but I just can't afford it. It is hard enough to go through Christmas not getting what you want, but to have those you love also not get it... well that's even harder. It puts a sour taste in my mouth at Christmas. That things are all good and jolly for the better off. But I think about those in Atlanta that don't even have a place to sleep for Christmas, and it really begins to get to me. I am sure none intended on being in that situation, and really, how far away am are we from being homeless? My parents need $750 a week for bills... let's say we go a month of bad pay checks... within two months we too could be strapped and having to look not only for another place to live, but new lives. This month has not been good financially for my parents. I get by, but that's on the work-study I get at school. Unfortunately, I didn't get my December check turned in, so I won't get any money for Nov-Dec until Jan 31.

Take away money, and family is to remain... right? I'm not so sure. It seems to me that as money gets tighter, so does the tension among family members. Dad hasn't warmed up too much more than Thanksgiving. It's like a hell living in a place where there is but one person to talk to, and that's Mom. I am not sure about friends from High School. It seems that I have lost contact with all of them, least none tend to come and ask about me, or have kept up either. All in all it makes for a lonely Christmas.

I miss my friends at PC. I miss having people to hang out with. I miss Justin and having someone to share things with. I am lonely here and full of despair over the Christmas dreams that do not seem to want to come true. I feel like I am the character from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and no matter what I do, things seem to get worse and worse.

Tonight (Monday Night) we're going to start decorating for Christmas. My parents didn't even clean the house. I know when I was younger, when important people were coming over... or my brother Kris from a long stay with the military, we'd clean the house. What does it mean when I walk in and get overcome by the smell of barnyard from the pig... and piss from the damned incontinent dog?

I hope things get better. I hope Christmas goes well. Right now things have changed from a goose to us eating a pot-roast. I'm going to make the best of it though and re-attempt Yorkshire pudding. In the past they didn't come out well.

Well enough complaining... back to email and then dinner and then Christmas decorating.

Home For Christmas

Dear Jack,
I am bored out of my freaking mind. There is no Justin and no friends, and no work... wait... yeah well... no work either. I got into town around 7:30 just in time for choir. I got to choir to learn that they've cut everything for Christmas except for a version of O Come All Ye Faithful... the rest are just going to be hymns. I was pissed off. I worked my ass off writing for them, and practicing. I am told they are going to rethink things... and they ought to. I feel like they just though, "Oh he's a college student... can't be depended upon, has no tallent, and is easy to be let off." Well Damn IT. I am not one to do work for nothing.

Regardless, I miss my friends and Justin. Here I have this big queen sized bed with only a cat to keep me warm. The ironic pain of all this!!! I must say this past week I've been sick, and sort of grouchy towards him. Now there is one incident, which I'll leave unnamed which sort of got my goat. But I think we've worked out the issue.

Well, I am bored. BORED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND!!!!!!!!! There is nothing to do... and that is making me antsy (Sp??). It's 1AM and too late too cook, and I'm not tired. OH what a world, what a world.

OOO I saw Return of the King last night. I loved it. Cept for the exclusion of the Shire War.

I had a good conversation with an old church bud, Jared McLean. He's a freshman in Tampa who was led to our church from his home in a hotel. He's an inspiration in my life, and seeing God work in his life, I know God exists.

Just Call Me Oscar

Dear Jack,
Internet working -- Me Sick -- My Paper...Dead -- My Head...Throbbing -- My Exams... one a day

So the internet went down from Wednesday till Sunday. We were in hell. I had a paper due in Hobbie's on Friday, got extention till Monday. On Sunday night, after working on it a lot, I had my computer freeze up attempting to conncet to the net, so I shut it down. As luck would have it "Alt+S" does not save your work... rather "Ctrl+S" does. So I lost the entire paper, cept for the opening thesis. My stress level is through the roof. I am also sick with some type of Sinus-Infection-Like stuff...only I'm sneezing. This has caused my chest and back to begin to hurt from heavy sharp tightening of my muscles to sneeze. I am also grouchy. I hate being grouchy, cause I make others angry at me. FRIENDS!!! I AM NOT BEING GROUCHY ON PERSON!!! I'M JUST SICK!!! That was specifically towards Justin. I think I am going to give Justin a book on how to be romantic. He is a typical male, and lacks the idea of doing something romantic... such as bringing soup to a sick boy, etc.. I don't fault him, he's a guy, and even though gay, may not have been exposed to sappy romances and Oprah like I have. Well back to studying, Justin is here with Anna.... well sort of with Anna... cause she just stepped out.

Of all the Kitchens in all the Colleges in the world...

Dear Jack,
So I decided to volunteer with SGA and make a marinara sauce for the GDH appreciation day. I bought the stuff, and was cooking it yesterday in CIH with Mike Wright and Freddy Rivera. Mike is a hottie soccer player who is the SGA president. He was wearing his short soccer shorts and a short t-shirt. I was stiring the sauce, and thinking about the good old times of last year in CIH. I turn around and about fainted.

In the kitchen door walks Daniel Patrick Wetherell. Takes off his sunglasses, and says, "hi." I nearly drop my spoon. He says he came up to hear Grace sing. I was rather surprised, as no one had told me. We pointed him in the direction of Grace's room. Mike asks, "Chap, what's wrong?" And I said, "It's Daniel... my ex." "Oh. Oh (more surprised), OH (undertanding)"

I run into the lobby, and see Audra, and ask here what the deal is. She says she knew he was coming, but didn't know if he wanted me to know. She then gave me a hug. "It's pretty hard to see the ex after a while isn't it?" I agreed. I finished the sauce and headed to my 1:30 class. I came back to CIH to see how the dinner was going at 3. I ran into Daniel sitting out on the bench. He said, "you heading back in?" I said yeah, and he asked if I would wait for him. We exchanged casualties. He lookded distressed. He asked where "QAF" boy is. I didnt' know what he meant by that inquriy other than he meant Justin. I told him he was sick up in my room resting. He then asked where Caleb was. I called Caleb and found out he was up in the room too. So Daniel came with me over to see Caleb and meet Justin.

Justin watched us walk over through the window, appearantly, and got a little nervous. I know his hair was messed up, and he was sick. I came in and he didn't want to meet Daniel, just sleep. So I was like... ok. And I asked if he wanted me to stay with him, and he said no. So I went out to see Daniel and Caleb. In less than five minutes, Justin showed up in the hall wearing a hoddie, and headed for the door. He felt he needed to leave. I felt rather strange.

Well Daniel stayed and went to dinner with Caleb, Audra, Grace, and I at Zorba's. I had a less than perfect steack. But everyone else had a good meal. It was very enjoyable. Grace headed back for a Sigma meeting, and Daniel, Caleb, and I went to Ingles after dropping of Audra. I bought Justin a get well present, and we headed back to the room.

At 6:45, I rode with Daniel up to Edmunds...as I had to go to the recital, and Grace was goign to meet us there. Grace was supposed to sing in it, but wasn't. We never knew why... as that was the reason Daniel came up. She didn't sit with us though. It was sort of strange. After the recital, she just left us, so he and I went back to the apartment. He hung out and Anna came over, and then Justin. At around 11 we decided to round up a Waffle House party.

Anna, Justin, Daniel, Wylie, Grace, and I went to WaHo. Mid-way through the meal, Daniel started acting funny. I noticed, but figured "hey, he's not my bf, anymore, not my worry." Justin inquired several times to him. When we left, I tried to make it easy for Daniel and Grace to talk, so I got Wylie to ride with us. We dropped off Wylie, and some how upset Anna, so she came up to the room with us.

I was shocked to find that Daniel was in my room instead of visiting with Grace. I went to the bathroom, Justin changed clothes, and Anna went in to visit Caleb. I went to the front room too, and noticed that Daniel and Justin were in my room talking. My anxiety shot through the roof.

I contemptlated going in or not. And Eventually Anna and I went in. They were talking about the reason Daniel came up, and the way he felt about Grace, and how things were not going as he had planned with her, and how things seemed very awkward. He said, "I think I'm going to just stop talking to her so I can get over her."

After a long discussion, and finally getting Anna out (Girls add to stress in relationship talks among men). We had an all out discussion about the situation. I told him that he can't just write off Grace. If he likes her and loves her, even if she doesn't love him the same way, he owes it to her to be his friend. Justin agreed.

Throughout the night, Daniel opened up more and more... and before long, I learned that Justin and Daniel were like one in the same in way too many ways. The level of their similarities skyrocketed and they said that I had a type of man I like.

No Dad

Dear Jack,
I woke up with a migraine and a back ache today. I think the migraine is from having too much coffee yesterday, as caffine at times can aggrivate my migraines. I should have known better. It could also be a development based on my stress levels. I have a few stressors, no more than anyone else I imagine, but sometiems I don't deal with them well. The main one is my father, and yesterday he decided he could not grace us with his presence at the Christmas concert. It really pisses me off. He supposedly had to work. As I'm sure I've said before, he doesn't work on the weekends, let a lone on Sunday itself. He just didn't wan to come up. Luckily my aunt and mother came up. It was nice to see them. I got the impression my mom had filled her in on Justin, as she seemed to act like she knew, but never said anything outright. I know she wouldn't have a problem with it, as she had a roommate who was a lesbian for a good while.

I've been working on papers all day today. It is my goal to have them all done by tomorrow evening. This means I will be fairly anti-social with a lot of others. Not so much with Justin cause I like making exceptions for him. I've already finished one and am nearly done with another. I've done all the reserach for the exegesis, and the majority of the reserach for the Episcopal one. The one that i dread is the God-awful boring paper about Plainchant. But I am not so worried, as the grading is very leniant.

I've let Dr. Hobbie know about my father. I don't know what he thinks--he's usually pretty supportive. I am trying so hard to not focus on Dad. I really don't want to think about home, nor any of the stuf that it entails. I want to stay here and away from that. I want to forget it even exists from time to time. All that I find there is burden from my father, and saddness with my mother. There is little joy or love in that house. I am still not sure if we're going to do Christmas or not this year. My mom acts as if we are, and Dad acts as if we aren't. If we don't, I think I will stay at Joy's house where there will be Christmas, and I will take Mom with me. If Dad wants to be a Scrooge, then let him do it by himself.

Dani's father is sick... something about tears in his esophogus. He needs prayers, as do Dani, Gwen, Ryan, and Jackie. I think Dani is taking it harder than Gwen, but I am uncertain. I do find it amazing that she tried so hard to hide her feelings of love for her father when things were going well. It shows a deeper character to her, that she's not as tough as she'd like people to think at times. My heart goes to her. And it took a while for it to do that, as I was taken back by her comment to me when things began to turn with my father, "Well you weren't close to him to begin with." Many assumed she said this because she herself was not close to her father, and I tended to agree. Luckily cloesness does not equal love. And she's hurting. She needs prayer and support. Thank God for Daniel Teska who is doing that so well.

Aaron had an explorative surgery done on his tumor. It is connected to the spinal cord in two places, and that could cause some serious dammage if removed improperly. The tumor is not cancerous though. And that's a plus. However the are unsure what it is exactly. Last I heard they are going to try and remove most of it which is not directly touching the spinal cord itself. He still needs prayers, as he's such a young guy.

I thank God for Justin. He has been a strong support in these hard days. He does so much which makes me feel so good and see joy in my life. I don't know how things would have been without him. I can only hope I do the same for him.

Justin is not Me

Dear Jack,
Today I haven't been feeling that chipper. I woke up and was sort of blah. I got to class and all then ate lunch at around 12:30. I ate with Heather, Dani, Teska, and Andrew. I saw Justin come in, and he didn't like me with my hat. It was really sad the way he commented on it. Sometimes he can be insensitive about things like that. I know he doesn't mean to, and that I am hypersensitive. Still I feel very inadequate around him cause I don't dress the way he'd want me to. I don't wear the nicer clothes, and appearently my fashion sense is not good. He makes little comments all the time about it. Last night he said, "why can't you dress like me more often?" when I wore some of his clothes. The big reason is price. He doesn't seem to have a concept that I have to pay for things myself, that my family can't afford to let me buy things at AF. I have to shop at Walmart a lot of the time. It's not cause I choose to, it's just cause there's not much of an option for me. With my Dad being the way he is, I even less want to waste money on clothes. Luckily he has the support he needs. He constantly tells me about the many wonderful gifts he's getting for Christmas, new clothes, digital camera, etc., and I don't me to begrudge him the joy. But sometimes it makes me feel very inferior. I don't know if I will be having Christmas this year. I don't know if I will get anything, other than what friends get me. It is hard for me to relate to him on this level, and I imagine it's hard for him to relate to me. It just shows I'm not good enough for him. It makes me sad, and with the gloomy day, saddness tends to be stonger than joy right now. I missed dinner... took a nap and slept through a phone call from Justin inviting me to dinner. This adds to my frustration, as I am eating cold tomato soup from a can, cause all my friends have already eaten, and my lazy ass didn't hear the damn phone. It doesn't help that I have to leave momentarilly for a damn Christmas practice till 10, and that I may not get to see Justin but for a short while tonight, because of work I have to do.

All in all, I'm in a down and depressed mood, and I don't know why. Everything's going well, as far as I care to see. It's not as bad as it sounds really... just I don't know... grumpy. Groggy now cause I just woke up, grumpy cause I missed my friends and dinner, and frustrated I have this damned rehearsal, on top of inadequacy feelings about myself and Justin. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't try so hard to be what he wants, or is used to. And when I'm with him, it's worth it. I love Justin, despite his occasional richie-attitude. He is young, and most have been provided for him, so it's all good. I hope I will be able to make him happy even if I am poorer.

Strangely enough, its never an understandable issue to the richer person, when a poorer person feels inadequate. Some either think the poor is a mocher, or the poor needs a helping hand. No, we just need to be related to. And Justin tries.

Shame on you, Anna

Dear Jack,
Yesterday Justin came by and cheered me up. I love him. He is the coolest. Ok. So something else happened last night. Anna and Justin were invited by me to eat some Ramen in my appartment (doctored up of couse), and watch Family Guy. Well we watched it, and Anna began to start cleaning the dishes. She wanted to of her own volition, and asked and all. Someone says, "let me clean" and I'm am like... go for it. Well Caleb came out after they left and had a joyful surprise that the dishes were washed. He and I then had a good old conversation about life and stuff in general.

Well this morning I got up for class, and was waiting on Caleb to leave, and James approached me. He said it was rude of Anna to start washing our dishes. I was deadpan dumbfounded. The mess was his mess from before Thanksgiving. I, hearing a James-Lecture about to sprout forth, said, "I don't have time to deal with you right now." Caleb added, "Yeah we have to get to class." On the way to class, Caleb admitted complete shock at James' reaction. He, like myself was like "cool the dishes are done, thanks Anna". He did no see what James' problem was. I went to class, and then came to the apartment. Caleb and I made Kevin aware of the situation. He was like, "I was happy as hell when the dishes were done. What's James' problem?" Well James walks in and starts trying to reiterate to me how Anna was rude to clean our mess. I said something snooty like, "Well I won't let her do it again, and went into my room and closed the door." He then preceeded to try and convince Kevin and Caleb... both of which were not following his logic. I called Caleb and asked if he wanted to do lunch, and he and Kevin and I did. At lunch I appologized for slamming the door. I didn't mean to do it when I shut the door... it just swang to easily. They are dumbfounded as to what James' problem is. Frankly I don't give a shit anymore. If this is what he wants to bitch and moan about go for it. I will make sure my friends don't try and clean our appartment anymore. I think they will not have a problem with that. Caleb and Kevin said they can, and they'll just keep James tied up in the back.

I have too much other stuff to deal with to worry about my friends cleaning habbits effecting my less clean friends. I have my friend Aaron getting surgery today on his spine, my Dad and I not on speaking terms, Dad not wanting to do Christmas this year, my Mom starting a new psychologist, my papers, classes, exams, my responsibilities with the music at church, and my process in becoming a priest which are a hell of a lot more pressing, interresting, and important.

I would be going insaine if it were not for this journal and my cool friends... especially Justin. He may not realize how good of a friend he really is. He doesn't have to do anything, but just his presence relaxes me, and makes me feel like all will not be as bad as my anxiety would like to make it.

God is really working in my life right now, and I see Him present among my friends, supporting each other.

I would like to rant shortly on the untimely arrival of the civil religion's adaptation of Christmas. It seems that appearently Advent, along with Thanksgiving, has died. This saddens me. I think that preparation for the coming of Christ into the world... be it allegorical to the birth narrative, or allegorical to a second coming is an important message that has been lost in our society of rush. I heard Christmas carols a week before Thanksgiving. Why can't we save a little Christmas till Christmas. What really saddens me is the lonely defrocked Christmas tree that will sit on the dump heap on Dec 26th. Christmas used to be a festival of 12 days. Now it's a season of 30 beginning 25th of November. I wish we could go back to the old days where we prepared for Christ's coming into the world, with prayer, and fasting, and good will towards our fellow man. And then celebrate the meaning of love incarnate on Christmas Night and Day. For 12 Days. Christmas... is 12 days long, and the ignorance of the masses comment on it being 1 day, and cHannukkah being 8 days, as Adam Sandler tends to sing. Well dumb ass... we have 12 days of Christmas. You'd think the marketers would realize this, as traditionally, a present is given on all 12 days. Seems like the economist would like that. Maybe I can convince Caleb to get the word out.

Pilgrim's Hymn

Dear Jack,
On Sunday our new priest arrived in Conyers, Father Dan. He seemed nice enough. He is going to make an inquiry regarding my place in the discernment process with the Diocese of Atlanta. After church I met with him, Paige, Gretta, and Melissa grearding a new music director. We may have found one, but it looks like I will still be directing the choir on Christmas Eve... possibly even playing organ and piano. What a lucky person I am (actually I am excited). Not many of my friends really can relate. It's sad. But I will be leading the parish of 260 families in worship. That's a new and fun step for me.

Thanksgiving wasn't the best time for me, and I was glad to be heading back to PC. For the most part, Dad didn't have anything to do with me. I wanted some one on one time to talk, but he constantly shyed away from that. He and Mom rode with me back to PC. I am not sure why both came, but they did. In Johnston a car in front of us stopped but didn't have break lights, and I nearly hit the car, but slowed and swirved out of the way. The swirve caused Dad's Dr. Pepper to fall out of the cup holder on to him. He got really mad. I sacrificed my coat as a towel. He gripped the entire way up there. I got here, did dinner with Justin and Emily D., and had a good time. At seven I went to choir practice till 9, then over to Anna's to get Justin. Oh before choir practice I stared watching Casablanca with them. Justin kept grinding on me. I nearly couldn't leave for choir. Afterwards choir he came to my room and stayed the night. It was one of the best nights I've spent with him. Great conversation and great love shared. I did pull a muscle trying to adjust for sleeping. My right shoulder and back are aching pretty badly. My second class for the day, Philosophy, was skipped because of the pain. It hurt to put much pressure on the shoulder, and too much weight in my other hand also hurt, so I felt screwed either way. I ate lunch with Matt and Justin, and that was cool.

I went to work and had nothing to do so I played Solitare on the computer. Then I went to visit Justin and Anna and played frisbee with them and Emily D.. Of course I had to use my left hand to throw, and it wasn't too bad. I've been trying to work my left hand skills, since I am not a predominant handed person. I've already gotten a pretty good left handed script for notes. I just need to hone in on the muscle control a little better.

We went to El Jalisco for dinner. On the way, Anna got pulled over for "running" a stop sign. In all honesty, I think she may have coasted through the one at Public Safety, but since everyone seemed to remember her stopping, I just figure I remembered incorrectly. Regardless she ended up with a ticket from a sarcastic little Clinton police officer who smelled like dirty feet. I felt bad for her, cause this is her first violation, and it may effect her insurance. Personally I think the guy could have given her some leway, since it was her first violation, she didn't know she did wrongly, and the fact that it happened with so many people in the car (embarassing for me if I was in her shoes). It's one thing to get pulled over by yourself, but with friends, I think it hurts even more. Dinner was good regardless, and so was the flan that I had for desert. I went to choir rehearsal, and it went well.

I don't feel like retyping all I've said regarding Dani, but it seems that I have been removed from their temperamental clicque, and it hurts. She has always been a real close friend, but tonight, when asked how things were going, I got, "There's so much going on with all of us. Just so much. But real confidential--just among friends. Sorry." Thus saying I've appearently been dropped from close friend status. That really hurts. I've never hid anything from them, and I even went out of my way to get a Christmas present for her and them. I thought about what I was getting them, and now it feels as if all was in vain. Why should they want something from somone not in their clicque? How did I get out of it? Justin thinks he is the reason. I doubt that. And if that is the reason, then fuck them all. I finally get something good in my life, and if that's how they react then fuck them. FUCK THEM. But I don't want to assume that's it. I want to hope things are going badly, and she just didn't realize how removed she made me feel with that comment. I want to hope we're still friends, and she and the rest will try and see what's up and help work things out. Teska tried, but I was out of the room when his IM reached the computer. Of my friends that were on the very close level here, he's the only one who's approached me about my father. Justin has, and Lewis has. Lewis doesn't get the credit he deserves. He is one of the most caring and compassionate people i know, and because people don't necessarily understand his social behavior, they tend to belittle him and ignore him. Dani is a big pusher of doing that. Well Lewis genuinely asks. Justin genuinely asks. Even Caleb will ask from time to time, when not busy. In fact tonight he and I had a great conversation about how things are going. Kevin, now freed from a lot of work, has even recently asked, and wants to know if he could write my father about the issue. And see how that goes. Dani was supposedly one of my closest friends. It really does hurt that she hasn't asked. Mo, I understand a bit, cause we've never been as close as Dani and I. But Mo and I have an understanding. We don't usually go to each other about this sort of thing. That's not an aspect of our friendship. Andrew--I dont' know. I haven't seen him hardly around. I know he got hurt the rather recently with his car. Nothing serious... closed the door on himself. He still seems torn between home and here. He hasn't asked either though. I feel sort of dejected in general by those who were supposedly my closest friends here at PC. I am told I am disillusioned. Well damn it. I'm sick of always having the wrong idea about people. It gets annoying after a while.

Justin treid to cheer me up, but only time will tell how things go. I love my friends, and want to work things out, whatever the problem may be. I just don't know what it is, to even begin to make a plan.

Prayer Note. Aaron is a foster child living with Paige, my youth minister. He is around 17, and is 5'2". He has a growth stunt and scholiosis. Well in looking more closely at the back problems, the doctors have recently discovered a tumor. The tumor is about 12" long running along the spinal collumn. It takes up about 2/3s of it right now. He is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday morning at 8. There is a high chance he may come out paralyzed. He is taking it all pretty well. Much better than most 17 year olds would. He doesn't seem to be scared, but I know he must be. This past Sunday Fr. Dan asked all in the congregation who wished to join, to come to the altar and lay hands on him, for the Sacrament of Unction. I've never seen this congregationally done before, it was almost like being in a Pentecostal Holiness Church. Tonight during practice I nearly broke down. Pilgrim's Hymn is a piece we're singing by Stephen Paulus. During the first line, I saw a vision of Aaron. I felt removed as we sang the song. As if our song were itself a prayer.

"Pilgrim's Hymn" by Stephen Paulus
Even before we call upon Your Name to ask you O God, When we seek for the words to glorify You, You hear our prayer. Unceasing love, O unceasing love surpassing all we know.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.

Even with darkness sealing us in, we breathe your name, and through all the days that follow so fast, we trust in You.
Endless your grace, O endless your grace beyond all mortal dream.

Both now and forever, and unto ages and ages. Amen.