Truest Part of Love

Dear Jack,

Today I woke up to the loudest sound of the people outside repaving our road. It wouldn't be so bad except that there is only 3 feet between the wall and the road!! This began at 5:30 AM when the sun came out. If you want to shut the window of course, then you die of heat exhaustion. So I woke up and laid in bed until 7:15 when I got up to take my shower.

I walked to the shower to find that my shampoo was missing. Now I don't know who would want to use my girly shampoo... so I assume the damned thing grew legs or hopped away. I have subsequently asked the usual users of the bathroom, and none of them have seen the bottle. I hope Mr. Pantene has a good life wherever he's headed to. Luckily I will be home where I have more shampoo to use tomorrow.

We had chapel again, and the music went fairly well. I have realized that the frozen chosen Presbyterians are even more frozen when their minds are not awake... thus when I led them in a sort of upbeat cheerful song of love, it sounded like a cow dying... moooooooooooo... squish. It wasn't too bad I guess, considering none of them knew it. But if it wasn't for the fact that I have heard them try to sing other songs in the morning with the Organ that were more familiar... I wouldn't be as justified.

Last night before I went to bed, I had chips with curry sauce... bad idea. The curry sauce is really a curry gravy with very little curry or flavor. Thus it was like eating chips topped with gelatinous green gew. The rubbish bin ate the rest of them.

After breakfast was class. I gave a presentation on what I plan on doing a research paper about for Psychology of Religion. Pretty much I plan on continuing research on New Religious Movement that are considered by many to be cults. In studying these movements I want to look at the psychology of the person who is converted to believe in the movements. Many cults are attributed to having mind-controlling and brainwashing tactics. I think this is something worth investigating. Furthermore I find it morbidly fascinating to look at some of these movements. I myself cannot see how one could believe in Alien's saving me, and to do so, I must kill myself. What makes someone able to believe this? And is it really so far removed from thinking that God took the form of a human, was killed, raised from the dead, and then ascended into heaven? I guess it is a challenge to myself especially when in reality Christianity is just a religion that developed from a Jewish Cult which was based on the teachings of a man claiming to have the authority of God who had a close nit group of friends and asked them to take up their crosses and follow him, when it is on a cross that he himself died. Luckily I can see big differences between the two with tactics, focus, and the purpose of the religion to not isolate ones self from the world. And the means is not justifiable for the ends, which is very important for differentiating... however there have been times in history where the means were thought of as justified.

In Hobbie's class we had a very enlightening conversation on Till We Have Faces. Specifically we discussed how people love. The narrator Orual loves in a manner that is selfish and detrimental. In listening to the conversation, I thought a lot of the relationship between Daniel and I. I realized that most of the time I was giving to him even when I didn't expect love in return. I did go through times when if I wasn't shown love I doubted his love. This wasn't fair for him, and it wasn't proper of me. I was desiring to be needed. That's what this book talks about with Orual. I was conditionally loving. Now as our relationship developed, I noticed that I wasn't expecting or feeling like I needed to be needed. Something that stuck out was that I was very happy when Daniel finally decided to not return to PC. I knew this was what he felt was best for him, and although I would miss him, he would be doing what was right. Thinking more about this made me think of a song by Stephen Schwartz. Stephen Schwartz is a modern composer for musical theatre. He has done such plays as Pippin, Purlie, Children of Eden, lyrics for Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the score for Prince of Egypt. My favorite of these is Children of Eden.

COE is a play about growing up and love. It is set in the story of Adam and Eve interacting with God who is known as "Father". Father creates a world to share his love and creates children. Adam and Eve are young, naive, and did what Father said. Yet Eve ended up growing to where she wanted to go beyond this. She ends up eating the forbidden fruit. Eve is asked to leave the garden, and Adam is left to stay unless he heats the fruit also. Adam chooses between Eve and Father and picks Eve. This shows a stage in our development with love. The Father character is not understanding for this in the movie, which is one of the flaws I see in it with Christian eyes. After leaving the garden, the two children end up becoming parents. However they want to hold their children so tight to them too. This protection and overshadowing of love ends up with Cain killing Abel out of anger with this suffocation. The next section deals with Noah and his family. Noah is Adam and Noah's wife is Eve. Cain plays Japheth. The story of growing up continues when on the ark, Noah is forced to decide what to do... he wasn't getting help from Father. Thus he had to be the Father now. He sings a song about his son Japheth who has put the boat in jeopardy by bringing on a wife who bore the mark of Cain.

Oh this son of mine, I love so well, but Oh the toll it takes
I'd give to him a garden, and keep it clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes. Woe!

He goes charging up the cliffs of life, a wreak-less mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble, I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless, and he'd still refuse to hear. Woe!

But you cannot close the acorn, once the oak begins to grow,
And you cannot close your heart to what you fear and need to know,
That the hardest part of love, Is the letting go.

As a child I found a sparrow which had fallen from it's nest
And I nursed it back to health till it was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it, then it pecked and scratched my chest--So I let it go

And I watched it fly away from me with it's bright and selfish song
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungry, and I feared it might go wrong. Woe!

But I could not close the acorn, once the oak began to grow,
And I cannot close my heart to what I fear and needed to know
That the hardest part of loves, was the letting go.

Father, upon hearing this realizes it's true to, and joins in.

For it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you on the day that they are born
They'll leave you there to cheer for them, they'll leave you there to mourn, ever so.

Like an ark upon uncharted seas, they're lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them, the crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves, is when you fear they're lost. Woe!

But you cannot close the acorn, when the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart to what you fear and need to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest part of love
Is the letting go.

The liberation of love is what is talked about. One cannot treat someone like a possession or a child. That's what I've begun to see here. I am relieved to see that I didn't do that, yet disturbed that I did put a dependency with my love. I'm glad for the experience regardless. And I'm glad I can see this.

Later today we plan on going to tea. I am not sure what after that... maybe the Castle. Who knows. We leave at 7:45 in the morning for the Airport. Woe is me.. it's nearly over!