Greater than Poetry

Dear Jack,
Woke up with a migraine today. At about 1, I headed over to see Matt in the station. Found Whilden there. We chatted for a while, and then Justin came in. We decided to do dinner together. I was to be the cook. At 2 I went to the first of many choir rehearsals for the Christmas Concert. It was surprisingly painless. We finsihed about 4, and I walked back to the dorm, to start getting ready for dinner. I cooked some Indian fry bread, and a curried beef with cashews. They seemed to like it alright. BUt they are all so nice, that if it was shit, they'd not necessarily tell me. I trust Justin the most, and he says he really did like it. Kevin was supposed to eat with us but passed out in his bed till around 11.

Justin was supposed to go to a Poetry thing tonight, but cancelled to hang out with me. I had mixed feelings on this. I mean I really really really wanted to hang out with him, but I really didn't want him to put me above all other things. Thus I was torn between what I wanted and what i thought was fair for him. I ended up feeling guilty in the end. We laid in bed till about 11:30, just snoozing and occasionally chatting. I love having someone to sleep with. It brings out my animal instincts... like I want to protect him and make sure he's sleeping safely and ok. I want to hold him and let him know I'm there wanting to make him feel great. He has a head cold. I wish he'd let me help him, like baby him. But he's too independent for that I know. Thus I try, sometimes unsuccessfully, to show that I want to take care of him. I do fear overstepping a boundary of independece. I don't want to do that to him. He needs his independence, and I need to learn to see when he needs some "me time". I'll be praying about that. I want to be able to appreciate it better than I do. One thing that does seem to hold true.. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

He invited me to join him and his friends at Lander tomorrow for dinner and a movie, or a movie and dinner, or something with the possible combination of the two. I look forward to it. I hope I don't embarass him. He says he loves me and all, but I still feel like I am a poor catch for him, and I am scared his friends will think this. I need to work on my self esteem. What gets me is that i know that the problem is mostly in my head... and I realize this. I just wish I could get over it. How does one take the knowledge learned and apply it so that it is engrained in my system. I think growing up with always having cutdowns and insults poured on me, I find it hard to see otherwise. I am trying, and God is helping, but he's definately not finshed with me yet.