A Crush?

Dear Jack,
Ok so I finally got to figure out what was wrong with Mo and me. Well not really... in all actuality we are now getting along swimmingly. Pretty much they invited me to drink and stay the night with them. It was wonderful. However there are a few questions about Andrew that have now surfaced in my mind. First he did not flirt with the girls. I could write this off that he has a girlfriend.. who is 16. He then requested to be between Mo and I in spooning on the mattresses. I didn’t mind, however was unsure how to act around him with this. He is damn attractive which really doesn’t help. Along with the fact that he is highly flamboyant, I am not sure if I can take that he is completely straight. During the night he cuddled on me. That made me feel very nice, but I didn’t want to read into it. He also refuses to refer to his girlfriend as Kara. Tonight he also made a comment about cumming during sex, and how one should pull out and come on the back... and how he couldn’t just lay in that. He’d want to clean up. Well that’s not a common straight thing to do... it is a common practice in gay sex though. He has a few other slip ups too. He wants me to join him at a tanning bed, and wants to redecorate my room. I know he is straight, and that is how I am going to think of him. I hope that he doesn’t have trouble with others. He’s a cool dude and a good friend, so of course, to quote Mo, I “worry”, as is natural. God protect him from ridicule.

One thing I must note, Dani, Daniel, Andrew and I have been spending a lot of time together. It has been pretty cool. Daniel and Andrew even stayed the night in my room last night... well on the futon. We also threw a party for Andrew the other day... for his birthday. It was pretty sweet. I took care of him while they got the stuff needed. We talked for a while.

So I should also mention Justin. He’s a freshman who is gay. He says he’s out. He’s not completely my type, but I’m not sure I’m just making excuses to save myself for Chris. I am such a fuckwit. I wish I knew what to do, who to pursue, or if anything is workable. Justin seems to be getting me pretty badly. He sent me a love letter today and I am not sure what I think. I mean I’d love to give it a swing, but I’m scared to. I mean it would be great, to have someone who cared about me romantically. WOW I don’t know how I’d act about that. But It does interest me. I also think that it might be helpful in discerning Andrew. Although I don’t want to have Andrew be the reason behind it. I wish I would just not think that about him. OK.. making a vow.. he’s straight.. leave it at that.

I am helping with the Music Department room in the Multicultural Student Union haunted house. Daniel, Dani, and Andrew are in the room with me. It is nice to spend so much time with them. Daniel and Andrew are proving to be pretty cool friends. They always seem to want to hang out, and that means a lot to me. It is a real confidence booster when you know people want to hang out with you. I know I enjoy their friendships greatly. I hope I can continue to be a good friend. And who knows? Maybe I will pursue Justin, Chris.

Board of Visitors at Kanuga

Dear Jack,
This past weekend I went to Kanuga to work for the Board of Visitors. Kristin McSwn met me at the McDonald’s by the freeway and we drove up together. It was good to get to visit with her. We didn’t have any idea what exactly to expect when we got there. All in all it was a pretty uneventful trip. I help with socials and the bar. It was a lot of fun. One story stands out and is worth repeating.

I was cleaning up one of the socials, and Jimmy Hdn, my boss, came up to me and with his father, Rev. Bob Hdn. They started talking to me about the homosexual issue in the Church going on at the present time. I could tell Jimmy had been drinking a little. But they were both very adamantly pro-gay. We talked about the polygamy in Africa and how it is hypocritical of them to stick their nose into our affairs when we let them do that in Africa. Then Jimmy’s mother and wife joined the conversation. It was almost surreal. Then Jimmy hit me with a surprise. Speaking to his family he said, “I’m not sure you know this but... (and he turned to me)... You’re gay, right Chap?” I was a little surprised he knew, but didn’t deny it. Then we started talking about the ministry and how it shouldn’t be bared and stuff like that. I ended up not having to clean up the social, as my co-workers weren’t willing to come stop me from talking with the boss. Afterwards, I went up to Jimmy to ask him where he had learned I was gay. He said he had heard it last summer and meant to talk to me. He then preceded to tell me about how his brother came out to him. It was rather touching, as he broke down to near tears. He said he wasn’t upset because of his brother being gay, or out of fear for him. He was upset that it took him so long to come out, and was so proud of him for having the courage to do so. The entire conversation was very moving.

This week I’ve gotten to know Andrew Cnnlly and Daniel Tsk a little better. They have become good friends with Mo and Dani. It is to a point where Mo doesn’t want me around because she has a crush on Andrew, and fears he may be gay, and that I may ruin things for her by helping him come out. Of course to most this sounds preposterous, but to her, I assume it makes sense. I just find it extremely frustrating. As far as I am concerned he isn’t gay. Now I have an opinion that he may be, but I’m not going to act on anything unfounded and based on stereotypes.

I have met a pretty cool person online. His name is Chris Ptrsn. He goes to Winthrop and is 19 years old. We have talked nearly every night for the past two and a half weeks... well I should say every morning... as we tend to start conversations around midnight. We have so much in common in personality and desires. The fact that we have actual goals for our lives is the biggest thing that makes me interested. He is sensitive, usually walked on, and looking for a real friendship that could turn into something else. The biggest problem is that he’s at Winthrop which is an hour and a half away, so it is virtually impossible for me to consider a real relationship of any sort. This saddens me of course, as I feel I have finally found someone that would be worth a shot. If we were in the same place or nearer to each other, things may be good for dating. I wish I could find a way to either get this to work out, or to find someone around here.

I am really feeling intimacy withdrawal. I have decided this is the best way to refer to what I feel. I don’t miss Daniel W. all that much, but I do miss the intimacy. I get the personality online, and I don’t feel the romantic feelings anymore for him. I do miss the cuddling and massages.

This weekend I’m heading home to Conyers for Fall Break. I don’t know why I’m heading there, as all my friends are elsewhere. Thus I’ll be heading home just to family. Now I’m not saying that that is bad, but it would be nice to have other than family too. Specifically I miss Joy a lot. We haven’t been able to talk in a good while and I really, really miss her. Every time she is online, I’m not. I get emails from her occasionally and learn that she is having a great time. I am so very happy for her, and especially that things are working out. I hope that I will be able to see her at least over Thanksgiving. It would be cool if I could arrange for either her to come to Conyers or me to go to Carrolton this weekend, but I don’t know how to get it with my mom and letting me use the car. So things probably won’t work out like that. Plus Joy never has her phone on, so I hardly can call her and see what the deal is.

LeroyJr413: Hi

Dear Jack,

Ok so things yesterday ended differently than I expected. I’ll give you the basics. I walked into the room and saw “Hi” from Daniel on my away message board. Here is a snit bit of what was said... the part that I feel is important. I only fudged to him a little by slightly exaggerating the relationship between Mauro and I (but I really didn’t fudge too badly or inaccurately).

Session Start [AIM - yorkshirewolf82 (Chap Dy): LeroyJr413 (Daniel Wthrll)]: Thu Sep 25 00:41:24 2003
LeroyJr413: there is one thing i want to get off my chest
yorkshirewolf82: feel free
LeroyJr413: i feel we havent always been honest about our emotions and havent always handled our emotions to the best degree that we can. but the thing is i cant stand being angry/frustrated at someone and so if at all possible can we start over as friends
yorkshirewolf82: I would love to
LeroyJr413: i realize we have had our share of bitching and complaining towards each other but i know that when i bitch and complain it not only hurts the person who i am talking to but also hurts me. i'm cursed with having a good heart
yorkshirewolf82: and I also want to apologize for not being honest with you and for ever pushing you or pressuring you and not respecting you. I so want to just start over as friends too.
yorkshirewolf82: you do have a good heart and I know what you mean cause I do the same thing too (the bitching and stuff... although I'm definitely getting better with treatment (something not many know about))
yorkshirewolf82: If you are willing to start anew, I'm more than willing. You are a great person and have always been a dear friend.
LeroyJr413: I definitly can do with as many friends I can get
yorkshirewolf82: ;-) you've never lost one here
LeroyJr413: but to be straight out from the beginning and with no confusion my feelings for you are strictly plutonic.
yorkshirewolf82: the same for me to you... I'm well over the romantic stuff I felt in the Spring.

We ended up talking for a good while afterwards. I think things will go well. I will continue to keep the situation and him in my prayers. I am hopeful of a good friendship though. And I can honestly say I am over him romantically now. That’s the thing that makes me feel the best. I still worry for the boy, but at least now I know what’s going on.

Afterwards I described the situation to Caleb and told him that I told Daniel “Fuck No!” and then I preceded to ask Caleb if that was the best decision. He said, “well that was a surprising one at least. Umm... well there would be less stress.” Kevin was aware of the real situation and played along. Sometimes I can be a real ass. But I told Caleb the truth.

After that Kevin and I had a little one on one. We talked about a lot of things going on in our lives. I revealed to him, to Dani, and to Joy something that I am now going to type. If this is ever printed out, I will black out this area. I told them about the sexual nature of Daniel and my relationship. The full extent including the last night he and I stayed with each other. I fear going in detail for fear that one day this diary may be found and used against me. I still consider myself a virgin regardless as I have always just been a giver and never a receiver. Kevin is the only of my close friends here that is admittedly not a virgin. But we have this in common and we have a new understanding because of this. I hope this friendship too will grow and strengthen. All I can do is try my best and pray.

This week is choir retreat. I look forward to it greatly. It will be nice to get away from here, not that PC is bad, but I just need something different. We will be staying in a motel. I am not sure what exactly will be the rooming situation. I can always day dream about rooming with a freshman and getting to know them better. Not sexually... but if there is one who is gay (and I have my opinion), then I would like to have a chance to talk to them and maybe we can be at least supportive friends. Andrew C. seems to most people to be gay. I don’t know if he is, as it is all stereotypes, but I would like to get a chance to talk to him one on one about it. I do realize but don’t care that it is not any of my business. It would have been nice if someone had tried to do that for me, and I want to try and start this.

Well I should get back to work. Oh by the way, I have lost weight. I can feel indentions in my ass where my muscles are forming better. Also I noticed the same contouring in my legs. Speaking of legs... I have to dress up in a freaking dress for Ms. Catawba. I do not like the idea of cross-dressing and the fact that I’m gay, and out makes me even more uncomfortable with the situation. Still the girls of Alpha Psi Omega say they will give me full help. And damn it I need it. I may be sensitive, but I don’t act or move like a girl. And I don’t relate to being a girl. I like to think of myself as manly. I don’t want to be some Nellie-bottom guy. I want to loose more weight, and put on some curves like abs and tight ass. Speaking of which Mauro likes my ass. I am not sure if he’s smoking something, serious, or just completely deprived. I don’t mind him liking my ass though. It at least makes me feel wanted by someone sexually. I see me being almost in a reverse role from me and Daniel last year. This could be good, and it could be bad. Luckily I’m not as big of a fuckwit as he was. Well that’s not fair to Daniel. He was going between sexualities and trying to find himself... so he’s excused. I know what I am and damn it I want to live it up (well a little... I’m still a prude). Luckily God’s still working on me... and I have loyal friends who are praying for me.

ARGGG

Dear Jack,

So much has happened since my last journal entry. It is hard to know where to begin.

I guess the first thing to get off my chest is what I’ve learned about Daniel from Mellanie. She did some inquiring for me to him. It turns out that he doesn’t want to talk to me because, I “tried to turn [him] gay last year, and I didn’t feel he respected me.” I find this somewhat amusing yet sad for him. Every time he and I did something "gay", I always made sure it was what he wanted, that he initiated it. I must admit that I did tell him to never give up, but always to search for his sexuality, but that was because he was not content with being a bisexual. I guess that sort of read the wrong way for him.

In a conversation with Dani, I learned that he referred to me as not respecting him also. She inquired as to an instance. He fudged the story a little, but I recall it. Somehow he and I were discussing the choir tour and whether or not I was rooming with him. I got a little upset and he left the room. I didn’t know where he was going or why he was going so I followed him and went with him into his room. He then refused to speak to me. I did not know what I had done wrong nor understand why he was treating me this way. I begged him to tell me what I did wrong. He said nothing. (He reported to Dani that he asked me to leave, but I don’t recall that). I began to cry as I was really hurt. (He told Dani I was manipulating him with my tears... I can see that, but it wasn’t my intention). I got very angry at one point and punched him in his back. He told me at the time it didn’t hurt. Apparently it did, as he has not let go of it, and told her. I was out of line for doing that. I should never have done it, and do not understand why I did. I agree wholeheartedly that I disrespected him there. And looking back I’m sure I did it more too. In my defense I was very supportive throughout the relationship, especially if he ever was sick or needed some type of attention. I didn’t respect his wishes to be left alone at times. This must be what he means. I don’t know, as he has me blocked.

I will continue to keep him in my prayers, as I still love him as a brother. I worry about his stress. It amazes me to learn that he is the President of Westminster Fellowship at his college, and that he is apart of the SGA there. I am so proud that he finally has gotten involved. I think he is much better off there. Yet I hear from Dani that he still feels depressed and still suffers from low self-esteem. I wish that I could share with him how wonderful he is. He’ll never see it or hear it from me I guess.

Ok for other news, other than the same-old-same old with Daniel W.. Daniel T. is a cool freshman. I found out that he broke up with his girlfriend. He seems to be taking it pretty well. He is very social able, more so than before. I think he feels more at ease. I still wonder of his sexuality (for my own personal reasons). I know it shouldn’t matter, but still, as a gay guy looking, I’m curious. I am also curious about Andrew C.’s also, as he seems to exhibit homosexual tendencies too. I don’t think anything with come of it, but who knows. I can always hope.

Speaking of break ups, Heather and Whilden broke up. They were dating for like six months. On the day after the break up, Heather asked me to check on Whilden. It is wonderful to see that she still cares for him, and I wish all broken relationships could be smoothed over as theirs has been.

I did do something on Friday that I didn’t expect I’d ever do. I went on a date. I don’t call it a real date, but I’m told I should because the dude paid for me. His name is Robert and he’s from Laurens. I met him online, and he seems pretty nice. We went to see Cold Creek Manor. That was a horrid movie. Afterwords we went to T. G. I. Fridays with his friends. I was the youngest person at 21, he was 24, and the rest were in their thirties. All of them were dating except he and I and another dude. I didn’t feel completely uncomfortable other than being extremely young. It was nice to see gay couples though, and to interact with them. Afterwords he came back to the apartment and met the gang.

They seemed to like him also. Now the reason I don’t call it a date is because he is taken. His boyfriend of a long time is in Iraq. His name is Lee. Now I don’t know exactly the details of their current status, other than they are in constant communication with each other, and Robert visits his “in-laws” every other week. Robert plans on helping me meet more men. I don’t know how it will go, but I’m positive. The next day he came over and we all ate chili. I made the chili of course... caused me to get diarrhea the next day. He didn’t eat any.. had previously eaten. Kevin and Caleb wanted to watch Apocalypse Now and we didn’t so we went for a walk around campus. I introduced him to Scary Karen. Scary Karen just got back from home-bound suicide watch. She is rather eccentric. I can’t blame her as she has ADHD, Bi-Polar, and OCD on top of being bi-sexual. The two of them hit it off. I bet they’ll be better friends than I could be with either of them. I think that’s good though. Both need friends like themselves.

On Sunday I went on another date with a dude named Mauro. He is from Mexico but lives in Greenville. He is 20, which is a little closer to my age. We have a little more in common, although I am still not certain on his religious beliefs. He seems extremely interested in me, but I’m only half-way interested in him. A few things scared me about him, he seems too enthusiastic about me. Anyways we went to Greenville and ate at Ruby Tuesdays and then walked around the downtown Greenville area. His friends Greg and Betsey went with us. They ended up giving us some time to get to know each other a little better. It was a very good date by all standards. The next day he had several messages for me asking how my day was and stuff of that nature. He also made a comment that sort of awkward me out. “I don’t know what it would be like to be a preachers’ wife.” Well I was discussing a possible second date... and he was talking a full fledged relationship.

As it stands I think I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. I want the benefits like cuddling, but I don’t want the bull shit of having to deal with me not being good enough for someone. I want to be fucking pleased this time too!!! I want to see what it’s all about, not just give, although at this point I’d like to do that too.

Boots :-(

Dear Jack,

Well I just got a note from Mom and Dad saying that they had to euthanise Boots this morning. The idea hasn’t exactly set in yet. I guess not having Boots with me here has sort of deadened me to feeling what I would feel if I was in Georgia.

Dani became a US citizen on Thursday. That was cool. She’s very proud of it. She’s throwing us a party to celebrate her new citizenship tonight. I’m a little anxious as there are going to be a lot of people there and Kevin is bringing alcohol. Kevin and I aren’t getting along greatly. He annoys the hell out of me for the most part, and I am sure I do the same for him. I almost want to just cut ties with the dude as a friend. I don’t trust him for the most part, and I find him almost disgusting in another part. He has become rather uncouth and talks about big-titted women a lot. With his behavior on other nights when he drinks, I just don’t feel comfortable around him. He feels he should drink most of the time, and that makes me uncomfortable also. Anytime we go to eat anywhere he has to have alcohol and even at this party for Dani, well he wants to bring some beer. I miss the days when people could have fun without alcohol.

All in all, today I don’t feel too chipper. I don’t know if it’s a combination of things, but it probably comes from Boots being gone. I know I’ll miss him. He was the most loving cat I’ve ever had.

Opening Convocation

Dear Jack,

Today was Opening Convocation. I had class at 9AM and then met Caleb, Kevin, Audra, and Karen at Belk Auditorium to line up for the Senior Class procession. We had to wear coats and ties which was really inconvenient. I was rather upset to find that half the seniors did not come, and a good portion of those that did come did not wear a coat and tie. I wish people would just suck it up sometimes and go with the flow. We processed in to “Highland Cathedral” on the bagpipes. From there I sat next to Will Perry in the choir. We had to change into robes behind stage and then take our seats. Dani, who is the Honor Council chair gave a very good speech. She had been extremely worried about it. She made me proud as a friend. Dr. Griffith’s speech was too long. It did have a few good points, but left out something that sort of upset me. He mentioned how we needed to discuss diversity, and then he mentioned the organizations which helped with that. He left out Spectrum. Normally I wouldn’t say anything, except that I am now the president of it. Who’d of thought that I would end up being the president of the Gay-Straight club??? It’s amazing how things change.

After the Convocation we had choir to sight read a song... great use of our time. I then did lunch with Kevin, and two freshmen, Lewis and Daniel. I am weary as I have too many friends named Daniel, and as I’ve told you before, my last Daniel is an asshole. Lewis is a pretty cool dude. He will have some problems as he is a flamer and denies being gay. Thus he will be the victim of rumors and gossip whether he wants it or not. He’s a Methodist and has made my flat one of his places to hang out. Daniel is a vocal major who seems extremely open. He too may have some problems as he tends to be effeminate also. It hurts me that straight people who are effeminate get such a hassle when I myself who am straight acting won’t get half of what crap they get.

After lunch I came back to the flat and felt my stomach turn. I raced to the bathroom just in time to loose my lunch. I took some Pepto-Bismol and headed to my bed. Around 5:10 I came out to go to dinner with Caleb and Kevin. We ate with Dani, Mo, Audra, and William Brst. After that I hung out with Dani and Mo until around 9. I came back to my room to begin work. I got side tracked making an email list for Spectrum. Then I got into a conversation with one of my friends, Tyler Bennett. He’s someone who also tends to get flack for appearing gay. It is strange that I have so many friends that get slack for being gay when they themselves do not claim to be gay. Tyler’s pretty cool with it though, and doesn’t let the rumors hurt him. Regardless he’d get rumors cause he is open to people who are gay and has very liberal views about the issue.

Around 11 Ali Rssll invited me to her apartment for some cookies and a chat. It was nice to catch up and see how things are going with her. She is going through a similar problem with her ex-boyfriend. The biggest similarity is that we are both going through cuddle-withdrawal. Also our time is now freed up to do other things rather than be in a relationship. She is one of my sorority girl friends. This is rare as I’m not a big go and meet person with the Greek system. But she and her roommates are real cool and they’ve invited me to a little Pimms party next week.

I came back here and decided to approach Jeff Sh. online. Earlier this year Christina R. told me about her summer. She worked with Jeff at a retreat center where they sung as professionals. He was openly gay at that place. Well she wasn’t sure if he was going to be open here at PC. Yet she told some people about this summer. Well that puts him in a bad situation if he is not ready to come out here. I felt I should tell him so he can be prepared in case he becomes outed without him knowing it. He was very appreciative, and we may have a friendship come from this. He is by far not my type so nothing romantic would probably ever come, but having someone here who knows what it’s like is a big thing for me.

On a side note, DW has unblocked me. I’m going to resist the temptation of contacting him, and let him do the first move. I still do have hopes that we can work things out and be friends again. Yet I don’t want to be the only person working at this. I can’t handle that responsibility and stress right now. Well I’m going to work on my HW now.

Senior Year

Dear Jack,

Ok, so I will write about the week. I got up on Monday and all was packed up and ready to go. We drove to Presbyterian College, my mother and I. We got here around 1:30, and I went to Public Safety to get a new ID card. I then went to Res. Life to get my room key. For two hours or so I unpacked the van with my mom. Luckily my new dorm room has an elevator outside it. Caleb arrived around 3:30 and he and unloaded his and my stuff. James was already moved in. He showed up a bit later. I had to go meet Chellie W. for some international stuff, but was unable to reach her. I ended up cooking spaghetti for Caleb, James, Leiann, Tavia, and Laurel. It was all good.

Tuesday was spent with Chellie W. I helped her with the students and got to go to George’s for lunch. The new internationals seem friendly, especially Martinez from Lithuania. The Korean girls do not seem to speak English very well. After lunch I took them on a quick tour of the mighty city of Clinton. Five minutes later we arrived back at CIH so they could take some tests. I then headed back to the room so I could do some unpacking. That night Laurel and Leiann (practically inseparable) came over and put in their new DVD, The Lord of the Rings II: The Two Towers. They tended to monopolize the night and I became slightly annoyed. We ordered pizza, but Caleb and I ordered incorrectly and nearly got their wrath. Mid way through the movie Dani and Mo showed up. I think they tried to crash the party, and luckily they succeeded. I chatted with them in my room for a while before they had to return to their dormitory. I then went back into the common room and found that Caleb had been abandoned by the hobbits (as we call Leiann and Laurel from time to time) but Christina Rgrs had appeared. James entered the room and we finished the Two Towers.

Wednesday I woke up and helped Caleb and Westminster Fellowship hand out Popsicles to the new students as they arrived. We were out by 10:30. Caleb and I returned to the dorm to rest before heading to lunch at 11:15. The day was sweltering already. The weather said it was the hottest it has been this summer. Damn Dog-Days. Lunch was a Caesar salad and tomato-basil soup. The WF officers sat with us. After lunch I got some things ready for the organization fair. I made a nice booth for Scots Blue Line and then met Chellie to get the stuff for the Study Abroad booth. The fair wasn’t too bad ‘cept that we were not allowed to take the names of students. They had to remember our organization names and sign up at a booth in one section. This sucked as we were on the edge and many just left after they saw our organization. Thus we did not have many signatures (1).

From there Caleb and I went to mass at All Saints’. Leiann was the lector and I was the chalice bearer. She is going to become an Episcopalian in October. I think this is great and hope I do not harbor jealousy when she starts doing stuff instead of me. After mass we went to the cook out held for the freshmen. And from there we went back to our rooms.

Around 9:30 Caleb, Grace P., and I went to check on the freshmen of Bailey 3rd floor. I want to see if any appear to be gay, and stuff like that. Caleb wants to recruit for WF and Grace wanted to find a friend of hers. When we got there, Grace was afraid to go meet the guys. This became a hassle for me. Eventually we met two freshmen, Josh and Lewis, who seem like friendly blokes. They are both music majors, which means they will be cool friends in the end, I’m sure. I don’t think they are gay though.

From there we went back to our rooms. Upon returning to our flat, Caleb and I found we had been pranked. Our lamps had their light bulbs unscrewed, the TP was missing, stuff was moved from our rooms and put in other rooms, Caleb’s undies were in the icebox, shaving cream was upon our mirrors, and the toilets were occupied by plastic wrap. I knew exactly who did it--Dani and Mo. The big problem was that our liquor was missing also. This meant that Caleb was out $50. We found most things in the apartment but not the booze. Caleb and I hunted down the two pranksters who denied any involvement. We came home and Caleb contemplated calling Public Safety. Now if he did that, then whoever did it, meaning it to be a joke, would be in violation of the Honor Council, and could be suspended. Eventually I got Leiann and Laurel to come over and help me convince Caleb to hold off. They luckily, found the alcohol hidden in our luggage.

Today I woke up and went with Mtr. Joye to Greenville. We visited a parishioner named Tibore. He is 71 and from Hungary. Recently he has been diagnosed with cancer in the small intestine. He didn’t seem to be doing too badly, and his spirits were high. We brought communion and chatted for an hour. From there we went to lunch where I ate a nice Reuben. I learned from Mtr. Joye that she had no problem with my sexuality and neither did the church. She was concerned with how things went this past spring though. Luckily all things are getting better. I came home and went to Financial Aide and the Music Department to sign up for appointments. All of that was taken care of, or will be finished taken care of tomorrow. I came back to the dorm and started doing some work. Dani and Gwen came over and I tricked Dani into confession of the prank. She then treated us to a Salmon dinner cooked in our apartment. Caleb came home early from his meetings, but too late for dinner. Dani, Caleb, and I chatted until 10 when we watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It was pretty good.

Ok, to catch things up on the gay stuff of campus. Apparently Laurel and Leiann were observed kissing in their room by their RA and so there is a chance they may really indeed be Lesbians. They have previously denied it, but the RA came asking advice on how to handle the situation, as it would be the same as having a guy and girl living with each other. I don’t think anything should be done yet. It turns out that a guy named Jeff S. from choir came out to some of his friends over the summer. He has plans of possibly doing so here this year. It is a shame we are not each others types. Other than that, I think I’m a lone. But who knows, it’s only day 2 for the freshmen, and who knows what the future may bring.

Paige is a Cool Youth Leader

Dear Jack,

Today we went to Paige H.’s lake house with a group of people from Saint Simon’s. We mostly chatted and then dined to a feast of beef ribs, chicken, salads, beans, and such. Paige and Bob B. know about my sexuality, and it was nice to get some positive support from them. Earlier this week I went with Father Newell to do some errands and see about a CD-Rom drive for my father, as it seems lightning has taken his out. I know he knows about me because my mother told me she told him. He doesn’t know I know he knows though. It was sweet to see how he was trying to show me he supported me. I do not know, however why I never told him about me, or that I know he knows about me. I am not sure what I’m afraid of.

Tomorrow I am doing the anthem at church again. This time it is “Be Not Afraid”. Paige again sang. Dad has to go to Saint Matt’s to do their folk mass. I know I won’t miss him. He really pissed me off today. He didn’t go with us to Paige’s because he planned on doing Street Net Ministries. However, when we got home, he was sitting on the couch watching country music. This was strange as he doesn’t like country music. He then bit our heads off for daring to ask him why he didn’t go on Street Net. I am sick of this. He always treats me and especially Mom like shit. Furthermore this perpetuates itself in her not feeling good about herself even more. She suffers from depression. He does too and he doesn’t recognize his own, and refuses to investigate hers. He makes me angry enough to not want to come home. I feel much better when I’m not around him and I don’t think it’s all tied into his disdain for homosexuality.

Monday I leave for PC. I’m a little nervous, and have a lot of packing to do. I hope I maintain this journal whilst I’m there. It is a relief to do these entries.

Hausers are Gone

Dear Jack,

The picnic went well. We got pictures and have plans for getting together for Thanksgiving this year. I cannot wait.

With the election of Gene Robinson as bishop of New Hampshire, there have been already a few draw backs. First of all we have 10 families who have left St. Simon’s. I don’t know how many have left All Saints’... hopefully not any as the church is already small. Our choir director, Heather H., along with half the choir make up the majority of the families. It did not surprise me that the people who left did so. Many, the Hausers specifically, were looking for reasons to leave. If this is the reason, so be it. I was asked to help with the anthem. I did a piano version of “Shout to the Lord” with my father and Paige H. singing. It went rather well with only minimal mistakes. We did have a few new faces, and I am sure they were people trying on our church for size after hearing of our openness towards gays and lesbians.

Joy's in School

Dear Jack,

Ok, so a lot has happened, Jack. First of all I left on Wednesday with Joy to Alabama. She wanted some time to hang out before she headed off to college at the University of West Georgia. Her mom, Wanda, was none too happy about Joy’s taking over of her life and dictating her own schedule. Although, deep down, I believe Wanda is happy and very proud of Joy. Joy is not only taking initiative but also control of her life. It makes me so proud of her as a friend and “adopted” brother. She and I hung out on Thursday, and she did most of her packing. We chatted as usual. She has been such a good friend to me. It is a shame she’s not a guy. I loaded her Jeep on Friday morning. The two of us rode ahead of Wanda and Jim to the college. Joy was nervous... she only showed it when we pulled into the parking lot. I gave her a nudge, and she took charge. It nearly brought a tear to my eye. We were mostly moved in when her parents showed up. And to be true to their word, they did not have her escort them around the college. They were like two different people from when we took Joy to Wingate two years earlier. It was all a positive experience for me. Joy then drove me home to Conyers.

One thing I must mention, for it is of the utmost importance. Joy and I have made a pact with each other to work on improving ourselves. We measured all aspects of our bodies and set goals along with plans on how to reach these goals. We also examined our personal and spiritual health, and how we need to improve on these. Thus you will hear about this as we continue on this new journey together.

When I got home, I helped clean the house as quickly as possible, for, to our luck, Lynda and her family were scheduled to arrive from Missouri that night.

Unfortunately, they did not arrive until 9:30. We waited for them for dinner and headed to IHOP together. Lynda is married to John Hill. They have four children, my cousins: J.C., Landen, Morgan, and Jordan. Lynda has hair like my Dad’s. Tomorrow we have planned a picnic with them. I am to be the chef. They are going to get my Granddad from the nursing home and bring him to meet his daughter and grandchildren.

Mom's Back

Dear Jack,

I did nothing today, but relax and sleep. At around dinner time, I went to get my mom at the Airport. She was arriving from Pittsburgh where she had gone on her way to Conneaut for her High School reunion. On the way home, we had a chat about England and about Gene Robbinson. She was shocked and surprised by Dad’s approval. Apparently he had told her differently when it actually occurred. This made me think that maybe Dad was trying to open up to me, and had an inkling that I may be gay. I can never read him.

Anyway she reported on the family up in Ohio. It appears that she and her half sister have made friends again. They used to rival each other. They discovered her mother had actually been sort of playing them off of each other. It took them to this year to realize this. Luckily they have realized it, and are now getting along with each other. I then told Mom about Lynda and Dad. She was happy to hear this too. We went home and watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I think it is one of my favorite comedies right now... that and Bridget Jones Diary.

Back from Oxford

Dear Jack,

Tea was held at the Old Parson’s Hotel. It was way down the road north of The Eagle and Child. I personally thought it was overpriced for tea. So I ordered a Hot Chocolate. Afterwards we gathered in the lawn at Corpus Christi where we were served champagne by the head of the dining facilities. We had roast for dinner served with wine. I wasn’t crazy about the Sauvignon, as I am a sweet wine connoisseur.

Following dinner, all of us, but Rob and William B.(the latter went to bed), went to The Turf Pub. It is located in an ally near the Radcliff Camera. Grace M. was the big instigator of the gathering. We invaded a section of the pub. I ordered a Port. We sat and chatted for a while. A portion stayed inside the Pub, while a group of us stayed outside on the picnic tables. Eventually all joined us outside. I cannot say there was much deep conversation. The majority of it focused around the fact that Jacob H. was smoking a cigar. Many people made sure to get his photo. There were a lot of photos being taken. I felt honored in the rare cases where I was asked to be apart of the picture. Grace insisted on buying a drink for me, so I ordered another Port. She said, “After this, we can go to The Castle again.” I hoped she was right. However I knew in my heart we would not go. At 11 when the pub closed, we left en masse to find another pub which is open till 2. I knew the Castle was open. The group split... many heading back to C. C. C. so as to pack. The few of us that remained headed to the pub that was supposedly open (not the Castle). We found out that pub, however, had a cover charge. So we headed in another direction (I hoping for the Castle). Instead we ran into Drew and Alison R. There was some argument going on between the two of them. Ali stormed off, and Drew joined our crew. “Damn,” I thought, “Now we’re definitely not going to The Castle.” We headed to The Rose. It was filled, so we headed back to C. C. C. Drew headed to bed. Matt Kay and I were left to enter the courtyard to check our emails in the library. As we entered the court yard, we overheard yelling and screaming coming from Grace’s window. It was Ali. Grace had gone after her. I headed up with Matt to see what was going on. Adriana met us at the top of the stair to explain the deal.

According to Ali, Drew had said something to her for a practical joke--well supposedly he yelled and cursed at her. She felt hurt and confronted him, and they blew up at each other. About this time, Matt and I see Drew at the bottom of the stairs coming up them. Matt and I tried to wave him away, but he would not listen. He got to the top, and Adriana told him he better leave now.

He left. He followed directions... well Ali got upset cause he didn’t come in to talk to her, yet really that was what he had planned on doing, from appearances. Eventually Grace and I ended up with Ali, trying to calm her down. She had it in her mind to confront Drew. Now I know for a fact things would have turned out differently had both been sober... but with both Ali and Drew drunk... neither would be thinking correctly. Grace and I tried to convince Ali to just wait for the night. She wouldn’t hear of it and stormed down the stairs to confront Drew. Meanwhile, Adriana had gone to talk with Drew. I came downstairs to find a crew of people unsure of what’s going on. Drew came out of a different direction and denied all parts of his involvement. This sort of ticked me off. He had been apart regardless of to what degree. He tried to push it all onto Ali. Now I wasn’t there, but I know that it takes two to tango. I said nothing other than, “Be careful, the women are looking for you.”

I met up with Matt again and we headed out into the street to head back to Magpie. On the way we ran into Ali waiting for Drew to come and chat with her. Matt went to bed, Adriana and I stayed off to the side and chatted... and Drew and Ali had an all out yelling match outside Oriel College. Eventually all went to bed.

I slept little, as I had been conditioning myself for the trip home. I woke up, took a shower (used William Brrss’ shampoo as he offered), and then took my things to the courtyard to await our departure. The bus driver was very nice, and good looking. He drove up to the college. Grace and I shared a seat on the way to Gatwick. The line at Gatwick was long and warm. British Airways handed out bottled water for us. Eventually through, we went to the gate. I sat in seat 30H next to an old black man and his Irish wife. He was a nasty talking grump. Behind me was a 5 year old cry-baby who wined the entire trip back. I thought I was going to go insane. I watched Finding Nemo for the second time. It’s a pretty good movie dealing with letting go of those whom you love so they can grow up. I think it is one of Pixar’s best, so far. At the airport in Atlanta we waited for a long time in a cow-pen line. I got through without a hitch.

I couldn’t find my dad at the baggage claim however. This disturbed me as it was an hour after my landing, and he should have been there by then. Turns out he went to the wrong terminal and was about to leave, when we happened upon each other in the Atrium. We came home and chatted along the way. I was surprised to learn his approval of the gay bishop. He doesn’t “think fagots and queers are normal, but they need to be allowed in church anyways.” Now I don’t want to even un-package that statement nor my reaction to it.

At home we watched a DVD-- Bringing Down the House staring Steve Martin and Queen Latifah. I must admit Queen Latifah is becoming one of my favorite actresses. Along with Rene Zelwigger. Midway through the movie we got a very unique phone call.

“Hello, I received a letter from you in the mail, and I replied to you through email, but I wasn’t sure when you were going to check it, so I looked up your phone number,” said the caller.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about,” my Dad.

“Well, the letter says that you’re my big brother, and that you’ve got our father...”

“OH OH OH OH. YEAH!!!!”

Turns out that my uncle hand run across a letter addressed to my great aunt from my half-aunt Lynda. See, my grandpa Day was married to my Grandmother, Marilyn. He was an abusive drunk and left her. They divorced, and he married a Jeanie Miller and had two children... Lynda and Lisa. Well with him not keeping in contact with the family, we never knew my aunts. After finding him again, and reconnecting with his sister and nephews in LA, we were able to track down Lynda and Lisa. Lynda wants to come out and meet us. They live in Missouri.

Truest Part of Love

Dear Jack,

Today I woke up to the loudest sound of the people outside repaving our road. It wouldn't be so bad except that there is only 3 feet between the wall and the road!! This began at 5:30 AM when the sun came out. If you want to shut the window of course, then you die of heat exhaustion. So I woke up and laid in bed until 7:15 when I got up to take my shower.

I walked to the shower to find that my shampoo was missing. Now I don't know who would want to use my girly shampoo... so I assume the damned thing grew legs or hopped away. I have subsequently asked the usual users of the bathroom, and none of them have seen the bottle. I hope Mr. Pantene has a good life wherever he's headed to. Luckily I will be home where I have more shampoo to use tomorrow.

We had chapel again, and the music went fairly well. I have realized that the frozen chosen Presbyterians are even more frozen when their minds are not awake... thus when I led them in a sort of upbeat cheerful song of love, it sounded like a cow dying... moooooooooooo... squish. It wasn't too bad I guess, considering none of them knew it. But if it wasn't for the fact that I have heard them try to sing other songs in the morning with the Organ that were more familiar... I wouldn't be as justified.

Last night before I went to bed, I had chips with curry sauce... bad idea. The curry sauce is really a curry gravy with very little curry or flavor. Thus it was like eating chips topped with gelatinous green gew. The rubbish bin ate the rest of them.

After breakfast was class. I gave a presentation on what I plan on doing a research paper about for Psychology of Religion. Pretty much I plan on continuing research on New Religious Movement that are considered by many to be cults. In studying these movements I want to look at the psychology of the person who is converted to believe in the movements. Many cults are attributed to having mind-controlling and brainwashing tactics. I think this is something worth investigating. Furthermore I find it morbidly fascinating to look at some of these movements. I myself cannot see how one could believe in Alien's saving me, and to do so, I must kill myself. What makes someone able to believe this? And is it really so far removed from thinking that God took the form of a human, was killed, raised from the dead, and then ascended into heaven? I guess it is a challenge to myself especially when in reality Christianity is just a religion that developed from a Jewish Cult which was based on the teachings of a man claiming to have the authority of God who had a close nit group of friends and asked them to take up their crosses and follow him, when it is on a cross that he himself died. Luckily I can see big differences between the two with tactics, focus, and the purpose of the religion to not isolate ones self from the world. And the means is not justifiable for the ends, which is very important for differentiating... however there have been times in history where the means were thought of as justified.

In Hobbie's class we had a very enlightening conversation on Till We Have Faces. Specifically we discussed how people love. The narrator Orual loves in a manner that is selfish and detrimental. In listening to the conversation, I thought a lot of the relationship between Daniel and I. I realized that most of the time I was giving to him even when I didn't expect love in return. I did go through times when if I wasn't shown love I doubted his love. This wasn't fair for him, and it wasn't proper of me. I was desiring to be needed. That's what this book talks about with Orual. I was conditionally loving. Now as our relationship developed, I noticed that I wasn't expecting or feeling like I needed to be needed. Something that stuck out was that I was very happy when Daniel finally decided to not return to PC. I knew this was what he felt was best for him, and although I would miss him, he would be doing what was right. Thinking more about this made me think of a song by Stephen Schwartz. Stephen Schwartz is a modern composer for musical theatre. He has done such plays as Pippin, Purlie, Children of Eden, lyrics for Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the score for Prince of Egypt. My favorite of these is Children of Eden.

COE is a play about growing up and love. It is set in the story of Adam and Eve interacting with God who is known as "Father". Father creates a world to share his love and creates children. Adam and Eve are young, naive, and did what Father said. Yet Eve ended up growing to where she wanted to go beyond this. She ends up eating the forbidden fruit. Eve is asked to leave the garden, and Adam is left to stay unless he heats the fruit also. Adam chooses between Eve and Father and picks Eve. This shows a stage in our development with love. The Father character is not understanding for this in the movie, which is one of the flaws I see in it with Christian eyes. After leaving the garden, the two children end up becoming parents. However they want to hold their children so tight to them too. This protection and overshadowing of love ends up with Cain killing Abel out of anger with this suffocation. The next section deals with Noah and his family. Noah is Adam and Noah's wife is Eve. Cain plays Japheth. The story of growing up continues when on the ark, Noah is forced to decide what to do... he wasn't getting help from Father. Thus he had to be the Father now. He sings a song about his son Japheth who has put the boat in jeopardy by bringing on a wife who bore the mark of Cain.

Oh this son of mine, I love so well, but Oh the toll it takes
I'd give to him a garden, and keep it clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes. Woe!

He goes charging up the cliffs of life, a wreak-less mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble, I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless, and he'd still refuse to hear. Woe!

But you cannot close the acorn, once the oak begins to grow,
And you cannot close your heart to what you fear and need to know,
That the hardest part of love, Is the letting go.

As a child I found a sparrow which had fallen from it's nest
And I nursed it back to health till it was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it, then it pecked and scratched my chest--So I let it go

And I watched it fly away from me with it's bright and selfish song
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungry, and I feared it might go wrong. Woe!

But I could not close the acorn, once the oak began to grow,
And I cannot close my heart to what I fear and needed to know
That the hardest part of loves, was the letting go.

Father, upon hearing this realizes it's true to, and joins in.

For it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you on the day that they are born
They'll leave you there to cheer for them, they'll leave you there to mourn, ever so.

Like an ark upon uncharted seas, they're lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them, the crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves, is when you fear they're lost. Woe!

But you cannot close the acorn, when the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart to what you fear and need to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest part of love
Is the letting go.

The liberation of love is what is talked about. One cannot treat someone like a possession or a child. That's what I've begun to see here. I am relieved to see that I didn't do that, yet disturbed that I did put a dependency with my love. I'm glad for the experience regardless. And I'm glad I can see this.

Later today we plan on going to tea. I am not sure what after that... maybe the Castle. Who knows. We leave at 7:45 in the morning for the Airport. Woe is me.. it's nearly over!

Cambridge

Today we had breakfast early, as we were headed to Cambridge. The trip to Cambridge was two and a half hours on an un-air-conditioned bus. In Cambridge we took a Ramsey tour around the city. It is amazing to think how slow a group moves. I see why it took 40 years for Moses to take the Israelites through the wilderness. Following our timed excursion, we rode on a punting boat. I was up near the front near the punter. He was a hot-looking Frenchman who was very polite and soft spoken. It surprised me that he was not wearing underwear. I could tell this because as his pants got wet from punting, certain members became exposed. He chatted with Buz and I for the most part, although his discussion was meant for the whole boat. I did get the worst seat also, as I kept on getting sprinkled on by the punting stick. Buz tried to punt... for a beginner I guess it was not too bad. I am sure the river banks will forgive him.

After punting, I helped William Br. find McDonald’s. It wasn't too hard... but he was completely lost. We then walked around the market for a while. We stopped by the church... Saint Mary's and saw it, I'm told there is someone buried there by the name of James Day... I guess my secret of immortality has been found out... damn.

After that, we met up with the group and went to hear two theologians Brueggamen and Miller. They were involved in the book used in the Psalms class and in the translation of the NRSV. That was pretty interesting. From there, we walked around... no wait... McDonald’s came here in the day... not before. There wasn't enough time to eat before. The McDonald’s was in the basement of some building, and it had Roman ruins in the middle like a fountain garden. It was pretty cool.

After eating...for real this time, we walked to the place where the bus was to meet us. William wasn't feeling well, so we didn't go around a lot. The ride home was not too bad. There was a lot more socializing between the riders. William and I sang and chatted for a good time. We swapped ballads and nursery rhymes. I haven't enjoyed Nursery Rhymes since Joy and I used to tell them over the telephone in Ninth grade... oh the memories...

Congratulations Robinson

Dear Jack,

Today I woke up and took a shower as usual. I went to chapel and then to breakfast. I ate some cereal and a roll. I then went and checked my email. I learned this morning that Canon Gene Robinson has been officially accepted as the bishop elect of the Diocese of New Hampshire. I think this is momentous. I do not fear my own place in the Church. Yet I do recognize that there may be possible backlash with this approval. I pray that God will have mercy on all of us and will work through the fractioning of this body so that we may be resurrected anew and continue to feed His sheep. I know there is so much anger felt on the side that was conservative. I hope there is understanding and a willingness for reconciliation. That brings me to something that I think is paramount in our lives. Reconciliation. I want to revive it. I see so many places where it would be helpful for us to be in dialogs over this forgotten sacrament. In PC alone there is need for reconciliation among peers, as with any place. Yet there is also the need among varying groups such as COW and WF. I hear great things coming from the chaplain's office and hope that God will work through them.

This brings me to thinking about the life of Spectrum in the coming year. I am not an officer, and am unsure who our officers are... Grey Brooks I think. The best thing I think that we could do would be to move Spectrum under the Chaplain's office. Right now there is need of reconciliation for closeted gays and lesbians. And I know there are a few at PC. Statistically there are more than would ever come out even after leaving PC. Still there is a fear among them, I'm sure, of what and who they are. There needs to be a place of security where they can come and speak with non-judging people about this. I know that would have been helpful for myself. Yet there is not a place that is known universally on the campus. I think Spectrum can fulfill this role among many other things. Specifically if there are those who are willing to be ears for those who want to speak, then I think things will help. I heard Sheila Hill, before she left, discuss the possibility of something called Safe Rooms. The idea was to have a symbol that people could put up that would be used to signify that one can speak openly about homosexuality with the occupants of the room without fear of repercussion or exposure. T his has been something that has crossed my mind. In the olden days to help show that there was a stop on the Underground Railroad, people put lamps outside their doors. This is reminiscent of keeping your lamps burning to prepare the coming of the Bridegroom, if I understand correctly. I think using that symbol, a lamp like Aladdin's, would be a good option for a Safe Room. I just don't know who to talk about this with.

I went to class as usual. We had class outside for Psychology of Religion. I n the Inklings course, I had a very enlightening time as we discussed practicing through pretending on how to make yourself better.

After lunch, I did some emails and stuff, and then went and took a nap. It was so warm that I thought I was going to die. I have had to go to the restroom about 8 times today and this has not helped me feel cool.

At dinner we had duck. I was rather impressed with the orange glaze. Following dinner a group went about town. I got upset with Holly, blew up at her, and then left the group and did exactly what she told me to do---precisely what had made me blow up. She told me to either stop bitching or do something about it. And I got mad. And then I did something about what I was bitching about. I went to the Castle Tavern by myself. I didn't know how to react to going in by myself. I went to the bar, ordered an Archers and Lemonade and sat down to relax. I found that I couldn't though. I had been out of line, and furthermore the person with whom I was out of line with was correct with her damned advice which didn't help my damned pride.

I have decided officially to become a religion major. I think this will be the most stress relieving thing for me to do. Furthermore I enjoy religion and theology. I hope things work out well. Dr. Hobbie seems positive about this also, which is very helpful