At Home

I'm back in Conyers for the weekend... big whoop. There are no people to visit, and nothing to do. Being a Friday night, most of my friends are not on to talk. Hell, the only people who really talk on AIM at PC are Anna, Justin, and Tyler. Few others of my friends hold long conversations, and a good portion are either not on, not there, or don't use AIM (Caleb).
We went to dinner at Up the Creek tonight. My brother Joe and my Uncle Mike came too. It wasn't too bad, cept Joe asked me if I was going to marry Joy anytime soon. All but mom looked at me. I told them, when we're 40 and if we're both unavailable. He started making rude smart-ass comments about why not sooner... and kept on trying to see if I had a girlfriend. I wanted to scream, "NO, but I do have a boyfriend." But that too would be a lie. So I didn't say anything, but just smiled and said, "you never know."
I feel so lost. I really do miss having a boyfriend. I felt more complete. And I'd give anything to just tell my parents and whole fucking family, that, yes I'm gay. Leave me a lone. Dad and Mike started talking about those "fucking fags" in San Francisco. I hate it here. I need to just leave, and never come back.
I've noticed that when I talk to friends, they tend to do the whole "It'll be ok." There was one person who didn't do that, who said, "Chap, I can't tell you things are going to be ok, cause they may not be." He knew from his own experience that families do not accept homosexuality very well, as his family denies he is gay. My straight friends, they don't see that. They can't comprehend it. Anna tries to sympathize, but ends up getting lost in her own sorrows and father problems, and so instead of getting some type of consul, I feel compelled to console her, which I don't mind. I just still end up having to deal with what's going on by myself. Justin was the friend who was honest. I can think of two times I was dishonest with him. One was a time where I lied about a sectional. The other, was equally as small an incident, but I don't recall what it was, other than I told him afterwards, and marked it down as the second time. I wanted to keep track. See how dishonest I was. I don't know if two was bad for a three month relationship.
Tonight I feel alone. I dread the ride home Sunday. Dad's taking me. I had hoped to talk to him about how he was feeling. After tonight. I don't want to be in the same room with him.
My three gay/bi male friends at PC--that's who I think about. They are my strength because they know what it's like. Steven, Jeremy, Adam -- they're my online support. Buds I thank you all. I want to talk with one of them... to have them touch me with love and hold me and tell me the truth, as I was told before. Empathetic understanding... I need it boys. Cause I feel so all alone.