Just a Vent

Dear Jack,
Ok I wish I knew what to do. I feel sort of tossed and turned. I want to be a minister, but don't. I want to go to seminary, but don't. I want to change who I am... I want to be free. I want to love who the fuck I want to love. I want to be loved in return. Right now, I can't love anyone but friends. I cannot be but that which fits in with my 10 year plan. And I want to say, FUCK THE 10 YEAR PLAN!!! I see that one of the best things I had was effected by me focusing on the 10 year plan. I see that who I am is not who I want to be. I want to be easy going. I want to be loved like I was in January. I want to rebel agains the system. I want to swoop down and sweep someone off their feet. There's no one to sweep. I want to whoo... and win over. I want to grow, and I want to be me. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to just have sex. I want to do so many things... SO MANY THINGS... all conflicting and contradicting. And Here I am on a raft in the torrent about me, with the sea salt making me want to cry. I want to be free. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love and to be loved in return."

Is there anybody here who reads this, who knows what I really want? If so, tell me. Let me know, enlighten my mind so that I do not feel so tossed around. Reach to me and feel me. I cry to God by day and hear naught but silence in the night. My boat is full, and I am ready to sail to some undiscovered country. And what that country is? I don't now. I want to adapt, and grow, and be with those whom I love in my darkest dreams within the frigid night. Where do I go from here? What is next? What can I get out of where I am?

And now I stop overanalyzing, stop thinking... stop worrying. I will be that which I will be. And I will love whom I will love, and I will go where I will go. And right now... I need a light to see the map.

(OK... to those who may have read that... yeah... just venting).