The Van is Wrecked

Dear Jack,
Last night I went with Allen and Chris to Waffle House. It was a lot of fun. I forgot how much I missed the old man. I also had hotwings at Goonie Birds.. MY FAVORITE. Today I woke up and finished my laundry, went to class (choir and music history). Music History presented me with a discussion test. I think I did well. Oh I had a great Lunch with Justin and my friends. We invaded the handicapped table and had a good lunch. Chicken Parmesean is good.

Now for the bad news. My mom hit a median coming home. She took out the bottom of the car and tore off the oil pan. If it's not fixable a whole new engine may be needed. I don't know if things would have gone as smoothly if it wasn't for Justin being there to help and support. In the end my mom and I ended up getting a rent a car from Enterprise. It's a white Monte Carlo--pretty nice. We got home around 10. Dad is pissed and won't talk to her, and had gone to bed before we got back. He didn't even come out to say hi to me. Course I wasn't expecting much from him anymore. It hurts nonetheless. And only a few can come close to relating. I must say it also hurts that none of my friends cept Justin and Lewis have constantly inquired about the issue with my Father and I. The rest I guess are too chicken to do anything. Still it would be nice to get a card or something like that... hell they do that for people when they pop their knees out. A simple question or two would be nice... Teska questions for me too when he and I get the chance to talk... which is rare with us both being taken. None in my apartment seem to give a shit. Actually Caleb's sort of asked on occasion if he can tell I'm really down... but not much more than once or twice. It makes it hurt on this level too. I wish my friends knew I needed them and their support. That it is ok to talk to me, and if I don't want to talk about it at the time... it doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it later.

No Power, No Hot Water

Dear Jack,
Today has started off horridly. First I was up late working on my papers. Second I figured at 3:30 that I could go to bed and get up at 5:40 for the Alpha Psi Omega new members pre-initiation. Unfortunately at 7:30, when I woke up, I learned my alarm had been set for the evening. So I reset it for 9:05 so that I could sleep some more. Well I made sure it was AM, and went to sleep. I woke up around 12:40. Appearently the power went out. In speaking with Caleb it went out around 9 o'clock for a half an hour. He and Kevin had just stepped off the elevator and the power went dead. Well this means I missed both of my classes today. So I tried to turn on my computer, and it won't turn on. I have three papers for Philosophy due today that I can't seem to get to now. So I thought, "Hell I'll get a shower and go to lunch." There was no hot water. Not even mildly warm. IT WAS ALL FREAKING ICE COLD. I had to wash my hair in icy water. It was icy. I felt ice chips. I went to lunch, saw Justin, but his table was full, so I sat with the Cheat and William. We had a decent lunch, then the Cheat left. Justin and his crew left too, so I didn't get to come say hey, cept Lewis who came over to finish his ice cream with William and I. We discussed the Masons, the Ark of the Covenant in Ethiopia, and the Exodus to the Land of Midian in Saudi Arabia. Then somehow we started talking about liturgical clothing. It was rather interresting, and William kept my napkin diagrams. I am told I am a nerd on the subjects.

Now I am at work, with nothing to do... as is common at work for Chellie. And since I am unsure as to when I will be able to access a computer, I am doing my blog now. I am supposed to go to Chapel Choir and PC Choir. At 6 I am meeting Caleb and Allen Buice outside Edmunds and we're going to dinner. That should be a pleasant change. At 9 I also have a sectional. I hope I get to see Justin in all that, but if not, I will not be at a great loss, as I know he needs time to be with his friends and "me time".

Greater than Poetry

Dear Jack,
Woke up with a migraine today. At about 1, I headed over to see Matt in the station. Found Whilden there. We chatted for a while, and then Justin came in. We decided to do dinner together. I was to be the cook. At 2 I went to the first of many choir rehearsals for the Christmas Concert. It was surprisingly painless. We finsihed about 4, and I walked back to the dorm, to start getting ready for dinner. I cooked some Indian fry bread, and a curried beef with cashews. They seemed to like it alright. BUt they are all so nice, that if it was shit, they'd not necessarily tell me. I trust Justin the most, and he says he really did like it. Kevin was supposed to eat with us but passed out in his bed till around 11.

Justin was supposed to go to a Poetry thing tonight, but cancelled to hang out with me. I had mixed feelings on this. I mean I really really really wanted to hang out with him, but I really didn't want him to put me above all other things. Thus I was torn between what I wanted and what i thought was fair for him. I ended up feeling guilty in the end. We laid in bed till about 11:30, just snoozing and occasionally chatting. I love having someone to sleep with. It brings out my animal instincts... like I want to protect him and make sure he's sleeping safely and ok. I want to hold him and let him know I'm there wanting to make him feel great. He has a head cold. I wish he'd let me help him, like baby him. But he's too independent for that I know. Thus I try, sometimes unsuccessfully, to show that I want to take care of him. I do fear overstepping a boundary of independece. I don't want to do that to him. He needs his independence, and I need to learn to see when he needs some "me time". I'll be praying about that. I want to be able to appreciate it better than I do. One thing that does seem to hold true.. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

He invited me to join him and his friends at Lander tomorrow for dinner and a movie, or a movie and dinner, or something with the possible combination of the two. I look forward to it. I hope I don't embarass him. He says he loves me and all, but I still feel like I am a poor catch for him, and I am scared his friends will think this. I need to work on my self esteem. What gets me is that i know that the problem is mostly in my head... and I realize this. I just wish I could get over it. How does one take the knowledge learned and apply it so that it is engrained in my system. I think growing up with always having cutdowns and insults poured on me, I find it hard to see otherwise. I am trying, and God is helping, but he's definately not finshed with me yet.

Friends Friends Everywhere

Dear Jack,
Yesterday I was an ass to Justin. I deceived him regarding my intentions to not go to sectional. I felt so bad for lying to him, that I ended up going to the damn thing. Now when I got there, all I found was Sid Morgan, but no section leader or the rest of the section. After waiting ten mins, we decided it must have been cancelled. I was rather upset. Not only had I lied about attending, when guilted into going, it didn't happen. So I was screwed on both ends.

I found Matt Watts whilst walking back to my dorm and we walked around chatting. He's a pretty cool dude and I love his insight. He always has a bright opinion of everyone's actions and never is judging. I wish I could attain such a character as his. I got back to my room to receive a call from Justin asking if I was angry at him. I wasn't. I was more angry with myself. I vented to Joy online.

Today I woke up, went to class, ate, etc.. After lunch, since I got up late, I came back and took a shower and then worked on my papers. I wish I could say I got further than I did, but I got burned out by 4:14. At 4:30, Justin came by and took me to Applebees in Greenwood. It was so wonderful to have a real date with him one on one. He's such a wonderful guy, I feel like I am too lucky to have found him. Afterwards we came back to the room and chatted. Now I had planned for a more sexual night, but he had other plans. I tried to not let on any disappointment, but I failed miserably. I really wasn't as upset as he thought I was, I really was more angry at myself for making such rash assumptions without discussing his plans first. So again my disappointment was more with me. I don't need sex to have a great time with him. I do enjoy the cuddling before and after, and yeah I will miss that. I don't know when we'll be able to do any of that, with the next coming weeks. Who knows, maybe he'l find time. Maybe I'll find time. Maybe it'll work out and we can just cuddle one afternoon and pillow talk. Justin's survey on men he likes says he likes a Renaissance man. I don't know if I am, but I want to be one. I am not as big into philosophy as he is, but I do have some limited knowledge of it. I just don't want to disappoint him.

I went to Annas with Justin afterwards to participaate in Game Night. Anna, Justin, Whilden, Emily D., Lewis and I were the participants in some kick-ass Cranium. It was a lot of fun. Anna even said we looked cute. It meant so much to hear that. I know he's cute, but to say I look cute with him... nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Afterwards Whilden and Justin walked me home. I started talking with the Skary online. It turs out she's heading home tomorrow for the semester. I didn't know, so Caleb and I trecked over at 12:30 to see her. I brought her my Brandy. She really can drink like a man with that stuff. I then treated the two to Waffle House. She's one of my favorite people to talk to. I hope things go well. SHE BETTER START WORKING ON HER ONLINE JOURNAL--that's all I have to say.

Soap Box Tonight

Dear Jack,
Last night we had a lot of people show up for the Spectrum meeting. I was impressed. 14 people. I had gone to the Piscataway Indian perfomrance and was one of 13 that showed up. I was rather embarassed for Presbyterian College. Afterwards I joined Whilden and Justin in Whilden's room. Then Wylie came over. I love hanging out with Justin. Paul Cantrell came in from Willie's room, and I was nervous, as he's the son of my priest, and I don't want her to hear gossip about me and Justin. I'd much rather talk to her about it rather than have her hear a possibly inflated story from her son. Ryan Guess-if-I-have-a-dicky came in. He rooms with Whilden. I've been convinced he is an ass for a long time. Last night Wylie and I both heard him say, "I wish the faggots would leave." I left of couse and went to get ready for the Spectrum thing. Jerk.

After Queer Eye, it was raining and I walked with Stetson and Caleb back to the dorm. I walked in the dorm, and all of a sudden felt sick, ran to the public bathroom, and threw up. I am not sure what prempted it, but so it happened. Upstairs I worked on some more music, and chatted with friends. I went to bed around 12:30.

Today I went to RIA and Philosophy as usual. In philosophy we stated talking about the insignificance of the Earth and its inhabitants in regards to the greater universe. Someone, Matt O'Leary doesn't see the point in small things we do compared to the greater galaxy. I disagree. I feel that we are given the opportunity by God to stand out and be His creation throughout the galaxy. We have heard of great people who seem like Giants, and to quote Newton, "if some of us seem to have gone farther than others, it's because we have been standing on the shoulders of giants." Newton himself was not of great respectablity to have been kept as noteworthy. Yet he has made his mark.

To quote roughly from Ecclesiasticus (Hekal Yeshua ben Sirach), Let us praise now famous men, and our fathers which begat us. Such as that did bear rule in their kingdoms, men renowned for their power, leaders of the people by their power and by thier knowledge, those who wrote verses in writing and composed musical tunes. All were honored in their times and were the pride of their generations. But some there are who did not leave a name for men to praise them. They are lost and forgotten as though they had never been born. Yet these too were men of great honor.

Jesus, taking away all divinity, should have been forgotten as a peasant preacher who was killed for blaspheming simple Jewish law by claming to be the messiah. He and his band of 11 (minus Judas), should have been forgotten. Did they know the impact they would have on the world? Did Sidhatra? Did Muhammed? Did Constantine? or George Washington? Did anyone in history think, "I will be the most remembered person in the world, and will highly influence the flow and structure of western civilization?" I doubt it. We cannot see the intire picture. We see in part dimly, as Paul says. That's why I cannot be satisfied with insignificance in humanity. Who knows who will be the mover and shaker which determines the course of our human history. The first person to step on Mars. The person who leads us into war or diplomacy with whatever we may find out there. How do we know if our philosophies will not stand and influence others not of our terral background? We are given such an opportunity at the prospect of the ever expanding frontier. When the frontier dies, that's when mediocrity sets in. There is something about the human nature that wants to go beyond, to create, to build, to prove, to do something. It is a Spark of Creation that stems from the first light that blazed when God said, "Let there be light." And it is in that light that I am putting my trust in mankind to propel us further into the future.

:: soap box breaks ::

Ok so today I sung an Eb... the ledger line on the top of the treble clef. That's high. I was shocked. It is a minior third higher than I've ever been noted to have sung. Mr. Bolden must be doing wonders for me.

I have church later, and then some work to work on... paper, study, etc.. I hope to see Justin sometime tonight, but it may not work out.

Dont' take Kevin's Food Away!

Dear Jack,
Last night Justin came by. I was working on an adaptation of Noel Nouvelet. He came by to study and I think did some of his Spanish homework. Regardless we were able to spend some good quality time with each other. I do have a few regrets. Regret one, I hope i didn't delay him from doing any more homework. I don't want to not be able to hang out because of homework. I'd like to work it where we can do homework together without being distractions to each other. I fear I may have been a distraction. I got done what i needed to get done, but I don't know on him. I also am regretful that I kept him out so late. I felt really bad with him walking home at 2 in the morning by himself. He doesn't feel comfortable staying over all the time because of my roommate and the shower. He doesn't want to take a shower when they want to. Plus he says he doesn't like people seeing him before he showers (assuming he were to walk to his room to shower in the morning). I know I had a good time and was glad he came over. I have discovered something he likes... massages... especially his feet. I can handle that. I also like giving massages on his hands... and he did it for me the other night at Matt's. I nearly cried... no one has given me that sort of treatment before. I don't know if I can handle someone caring about my joys and pleasures like this. It's not a bad thing, just something I am terrified to deal with. I fear it may all be just a lie and pretense, or that it will end. I know all things come to an end... but I hope this lasts for a while.

I sang with the chapel choir today at the worship service done by the campus. The best part, other than the guest preacher, was the liturgical dance. Now for my soap box. I have decied the biggest problem with Christianity in the modern time is that it is for dummies. There is hardly anyone willing to look deeper than the superficial and see the mystical and liturgical side of what it means to worship God. I think this is why so many mystical religions are gaining members from the Christian faith. They fill a void which has been lost by modern thought in our Western Religion. The Orthodox Church hasn't lost this. There is still mysticism, meditation, working of the Holy Spirit in everyday life. It is almost similar to the eastern religions in that manner. In regards to the liturgical churches we have now... ANglican, Lutheran, Catholic. Education on what the hell everything means is nearly non-existent. Thus the liturgy has become dead. Furthermore if i hear another fucking prayer that has "Father God, we just want to thank you for the beautiful day, Lord, and for the earth which you, Father, have created for us, Lord God. ANd we just want to lift up your name Father God, to the heavens, Lord, so that you, Father, will be rembered, Lord God." CAN WE CHRISTIANS NOT SPEAK FREAKING ENGLISH? Have our grammar skills and originality of thought abandoned Christ for Islam? It is no wonder people think Christians are ignorant. WE ARE. I, not one who accepts this, vow to work this out... to stop mindless wanderings of words whilst worshiping God. To teach what it means to have liturgy and mysticism, and PASSION during worship. I am so deadened by the idea of singing "Hallelujah" without anyone believing what the hell it is they sing. If it is a Hallelujah, then damn it let me know it is... I mean we sing our hymns as if we were getting our teeth pulled whilst hitting a daft Kentucky cow with a broken lawn mower. What has worship come to????? "I don't like the preacher... so I am not going to worship God." Well that's a good reason to not worship.... grumble grumble... Ok.. I'll get off my soap box.

After class I went to work at SCIS, and had a party. That was a lot of work ;-). Chellie and I then watched some Strong Bad Emails. She likes them. I ate dinner with Caleb and Kevin (the scarfer of food). Seriously, I think Kevin thinks we'll take his food from him... he eats it quicker than my pet pig--and he makes a bigger mess with his never closing mouth. It's worse than watching a pig eat... more like hyenas tearing into rotted flesh. He denies it of course. "What the Fuck are you talking about, I never scarf food." So he says. Silly Kevin. Well, Justin went to dinner with his cool friends from home. Then he's gone to study with Whilden. After I go to the Piscataway Song and Dance thing, I'm going to join them. At 10 is the Season Premier of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, and that should be fun. We're watching it as a Spectrum group in Inklings. I hope we have people show up.

Cha-a-a-ap

Dear Jack,
Let's see. I had class, ate lunch (chicken patty), and then class, and now I'm at work. There's nothing really spectacular today. I met a cool girl who appeared to be after Justin, but doesn't seem to be after him anymore. Her name is Anna and she is very passionate about educating youth about sex and drugs. I gave her Wylie's number as he has been involved in educating people in the Laurens area about sex. Justin was at home last night. We chatted for awhile online. He had a bad connection with his dail-up, though. I actually felt like I missed him being around. It was strange cause I had seen him on Saturday night. It doesn't look like we'll catch up with each other today other than online too. I will survive. I hope. I may sneak over and visit when no one's looking though ;-).

Things I have to do. Papers for Hobbie. Got to get the simple ones done and/or turned in. Oh, as I type this I'm watching the Schwarzenegger innauguration. Right now there is a woman singing the national anthem very poorly...too...umm...Tony Braxton sounding. She also needs to smile. Oopse...it was Vanessa Williams...my bad. I knew she looked familiar.

Damn it I got side-tracked. What was I saying? Oh things I need to get done. Now they have kids saying hte pledge... with the typical "I'm-A-Cute-Kid" voice. ZZZZZ...
Yeah, back to the things I need to get done. I need to get tickets for the Christmas Concert. ANd I need to tell my f riends to do the same. OMG...Maria Schreiber just called Maya Angelou... Maya Angelow. I hope it was the accent.

Karen seems to be going through a lot this semester. Oh they have sign language too going on during the program too... neat.

Prayers: Karen, Chris G. (He's becoming a Moravian), Whilden, Wetherell, Grace, Dani, Grandma H., Grandma P., Dad, the Church.

I haven't heard of anything really happening with the Church yet. I know people are pissed about the bishop, but I have not heard of any official actions. An Episcopal priest said the prayer for the innauguration of Schwarzenegger.

Today, I plan on going to choirs, and then dinner with Lisa and friends to celebrate her birthday. She's 22. OH the goose shat on her blanket while she was sitting on it yesterday. Last night we made cookies for her and took them down to her (well I made the cookies... but the roommates came with me). She seemed rather happy about it all. She's a pretty cool girl. A fax is arriving now. I've never seen one actually happen like that. Clapping on the tv. The International Office and SCIS has a big plasma screen TV...thus why I'm watching the innauguration...they keep it on CNN all the time. He is now taking his oath of office. Now he's governor of California. Woo hoop. It means diddly to me.

I have decided I'm not much of a politician. I mean it really doesn't seem to be interresting to me. I have my views, and think they are decent... not necessarily more correct than anothers. Now I am not an existentialist in thinking that mine do not apply to anyone but me, rather I think there is a standard, and I nor anyone else has yet reached it, or if they have, we have not realized it. And it is that Standard which our morality is set. We had that standard but have fallen from it. And I think that there are people all over who are close to the standard, but many are not. And that is all relative, as some people have aspects in their philosophies which are closer to the standard, yet morals that are far from it. And these designations by me are arbitrary as not all philosophies one holds is equally distanced to the standard. I do think that as a society we are coming closer to the standard which I feel is full inclusion and love for all people, respecting everyone's dignity. But there again, it is only an aspect of the greater picture.

"The State of California is in a state of crisis." Arnold Schwarzeneggar.

La de deee... bored out of my mind. At least he is interresting to listen to. Acent's are cool. I especially like Justin's slight southern accent. I like it when he says Chap real slow and drawn out... it's sooo cute.

Graceful Steps

Dear Jack,
Today I woke up, 7:15, took a shower, got dressed, and headed with Kevin to Edmunds Hall to catch the bus for our presentation at First Pres., Greenville. It was a decent morning. We got there, ate some free biscuits, sang during the service. The church was gorgeous... very un-Calvinistic--highly decroated. After Churhc I came back to PC and ate lunch with Dani, Teska, Mo, Poobo (Andrew's nickname), Space-Cadet (Kevin's nickname), Miller, Lyndsey, The Cheat (Heather's nichname), and Dirty D (Dylan's nickname... although I don't use it often cause Wethrell used to go by Dirty D too). I ate two chicken wings, and got full. I guess my appetite is shrinking with my belly. Size 36 WAIST BABY!!! and Large Shirt. Hell Yeah!!! I'll be a stud sooner or later... probably later. I came back and ran across Joy's Journal... thus I started playing with Java and the various options for my journal. Then I did some quizes, and I posted them with my Java learned powers. Then I fixed dinner with Stetson and Caleb. I cooked some Pasta and Marinara while James attempted Omlets. They weren't too bad, but not omlets... just cooked egg that was whipped. He had not thought about toppings. He also cooked them in a poorly greased skillet on too low of a flame and ruined mine. I led him through Caleb's, and then he again messed up on his. It is amazing how straight men do not know how to cook. We then did dishes... forever. The night has ended well so far, as I am now chatting with Justin online. He is at home doing laundry... and although I wish he'd come back tonight, I understand him needing some time at home.

Oh by the way Dylan Jordan saw me fall down the stairs at 1st P. today. Well I didn't fall, I just sort of slid down them, did a twirl, mid way, and landed soundly at the bottom (on my feet... very graceful). The sad thing is Dylan says, "Hey everybody!! Chap's falling down the stairs!" not that many could have missed me in my green shirt letting out a girly yelp.

What Did You Hit Me With?

Dear Jack,
Yesterday I woke up and went to a meeting with Dr. Griffith. We talked about the future of Spectrum and are both happy with where it looks like we are headed. I then took a test in Synoptic Gospels on Kata Maththion, which wasn't too hard. After that I went and visited Justin and the gang in the radio station. Then I bought new speakers. There was a sale on stuff at the school book store. KICK ASS. After that I ate lunch with Caleb in GDH. Blech as usual.

After that hmm... I think I went to my room and then to the radio station again, and then to .... no no sometime I went to the student recital too. Then to the Radio station after playing a kick-ass game (that means I won once) of pool against Emily East. I LOVE HER SKILLS!!! Actually I won by luck both times... one she got the 8 ball in, and the second time cause I accidentally hit my balls in. No sexual inuendos needed.

At around 3:ish I went to the bus behind Edmunds to load for the wonderous Choir Festival in Clemson... zzzzzz. I slept next.. I mean sat next to Sara Harris. We talked for a while, then I fell asleep. We ate at Western Sizzlin'. I had Gummie Bears for desert. We sang in Fort Hill Prebyterian Church and sucked majorly on Veni, Veni, Emmanuel. We were not the worst choir by far though. ON the way back I sat next to Barron Chisholm and then Allison Bracket. We caught Willie and Pauly making out, and discussed the 80s. It was a good chat, and very fun.

Back at PC I tracked down Justin... aka. I called everone I knew, and then started sniffing around for a watermelon smell. I found him in Matt Watts' room watching Star Wars. Actually I got an IM to call him. But the Watermelon sounded fruitier and more interresting.

After the movie Justin came up to visit, and sleep over. And all we did was sleep... we are good boys. In the morning we got into a disagreement about our relationship goals, purpose, expectations, desires, etc. etc. etc.. We nearly broke up. But after getting some good communication going between the two of us, and a desire to reconcile, we came to the conclusion to work together and that was wonderful.

After making up we decided to go to eat at Zorba's with our friends... at 5PM on Friday. They all agreed. Zorbas is the replacement of George's. I had the best Lamb chops I have ever had... well really they were ribs, but tasty as hell. Not that hell is tasty... actually hell is sort of salty and sour.... well mostly salty... all the sweat of the demons. I did make the mistake of mentioning how Justin accidentally punched me... but it turned bad.

Background: Justin was turning over and had the blanket on and I was standing up walking towards him, and my face (nose) ran into his fist. ALL UNINTENTIONAL... or he would have had his ass kicked... well probably not... but still I wouldn't be happy like I am. Well any way in the course of the morning I got hit with his elbow and his shoulder.

Dinner Revelation: "So Justin punched me in the nose with his fist, and his elbow and his... what else did you hit me with?" To which everyone thought bad dirty thoughts... SHAME ON THEM!!!

After Dinner I went with Kevin to Leah's recital. It was stellar. She's the best. I walked with Emily East to Matt's room so we could watch the last Star Wars and THe Meaning of Life by Monty Python. Both were pretty good minus the loud athletes and their girls holding an orgy in the hallway. Justin cuddled with me in front of his friends. I nearly cried out of joy. It was wonderful. It must have taken a lot for him to do that. I don't know how I can ever show my gratitude and .. it was just wonderful. And he massaged my hand. I could have died in his arms tonight. I love him I really do. And I will defend his honor from these stinky women who think they can take him away and convert him to the Dark Side thus making him like women again. I shall use the Force and keep him good. Cause damn he's good. And a swell guy to boot.

Bitchy Boob

Dear Jack,
Woke up as usual, showered, and headed to class. We discussed Jehovah's Witnesses in Religion in America, the Matthew Passion Narrative in Synoptics, A priori and a postriori stuff in Concepts in Modern Philosophy, Handel and the Messiah in Music History. I ate lunch with Wylie. He seems down. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but he's just rather down. I worked today. Chellie had me running errands all over, and so did Greg. I did pick up a picture of a Native American and he was a hottie. Appearently he and a few others are coming to perform for us on Tuesday evening. It should be interresting. I need to ask Justin if he wants to go. After work Caleb and I went to Hardees to try the Angus Beef Burgers. It wasn't too bad, but I couldn't eat it all. I felt like I was wasting food. After that Justin came over and we chatted for a while before heading to CIH for sushi (Korean style). I must admit the rice was rather undercooked. After that I rode with Justin to his room to hang out. Richard was there so I felt sort of awkward cause I didn't know what to say exactly. I don't know Richard all that well, and I feel awkward right now with him. Actually I feel that way about Justin's friends in general. So I decided to talk to Justin about it. Pretty much I feel that maybe Justin's ashamed of me, or maybe his friends don't like me. Regardless I've yet to do anything with them and him. They are a part of his life that I don't get to share with, and I feel sad with that. I have tried to include him with my friends. The double date we went on was with Dani and Teska, and I invited him over to watch a movie. They all like him. Mo and Dani think he's hillarious. It was such a relief that they liked him, cause they're the most judging of my friends. I figured perhapse things like that would occur with his friends. Here is my view on this, Jack. If two people are going to try for a relationship they cannot leave their old lives behind. They cannot go and start a new life either. Both of those will hurt one or the other or both inthe relationship. What needs to be done is to share their lives with each other. Right now I want to share, but I don't know what he feels. I don't know if he wants to share his life with me. And that scares me. I realized there is so much I don't know about him that I want to know. I want to get to know him sooooo much better. He's so wonderful as it is, and all I can think is, "Damn, I want more." I just don't know how to communicate that without seeming like a bitchy boob. Tonight while we talked I kept on feeling guilty with what I was saying, I knew I wasn't speaking clearly. I felt soo bad, and even though we didn't argue or fight, I feel like on some level, we clashed. Not a bad thing, but I know we'll need to work things out. I'm such a pansy.

Will P. is an Ass

Dear Jack,
Today I woke up and went to class. We learned about the decending denominations from the Methodist Church, and that was pretty interesting. I then came back and went to lunch with James and Caleb. Lunch wasn't too bad, chicken patties, tomato basil soup, and water. I then went to Philosophy where I and three others were asked to leave due to when we turned in our papers... just so we wouldn't be learing stuff before turning them in. I came back, relaxed, and then warmed up for my voice lesson. My voice lesson was at 2. Mr. Bolden told me I was singing the best he had heard and that I am not a baritone, but am in fact a tenor. I hit a hi C, about blew my pants off when I learned that. If only I could convince Dr. Stokes, and then I could sing tenor next semester.

After my lesson I went to Chapel Choir where I felt rather hyper. From there I met up with Chris Grn and William Brst and we went to church. It was the feast of the First Bishop of the Episcopal Church. it all fit in with the Religion in America class. After church I went to GDH where I was forced to eat thin crust pizza. From there I went to my room, relaxed, did some work, and then got ready for the sectional. I visited Justin and his friends and then headed to the sectional, however it didn't happen though, Will Prry decided he was too tired after we arrived for the sectional. I wish he would have let us know before hand. Actually I can't stand him. He's doing a piss-poor job and does not deserve the respect he thinks he is getting. Most pay him lip service just to shut him up. I have gotten to the point where I see him move his lips, and I ignore him. He's put me down one too many times for me to consider his opinion worth listening to on other matters.

Now I'm going to Waffle House with Chris, William, and Caleb.

November Update

Dear Jack,
Ok so to update you Jack. Hmm. Dad has found out I am gay. He seems to be taking it better than I expected, but not necessarily well. I am not sure if I will be welcome at Thanksgiving. He hasn't said anything to me about it... so I assume things will be ok... I hope. He did not come up for Parent's Weekend, and that made me rather sad, as I was performing in the MENC Desert Cabaret. I played a Frenchman who ran Le Chappe. Kevin was my competition with Kevin's Coffee.

I sang Try to Remember from the Fantastics, and a solo in 525600 Minutes from Rent. It was great. Dani, Mo, Andrew, Teska (Daniel Teska)... great. Oh, Teska fell down standing up and popped his knee out of joint. on Wednesday, and that sort of sucked for him. We went to the hospital and everything to make sure he was ok.

Teska, Dani, Andrew, Justin and I worked on the Haunted House room for the Music Department. Justin started to grow on me... I mean really... He began to grow on me. He has got to be one of the funiest people I know... always a good saracastic joke. Anyway what really won me over, despite a love letter, was the fact that he came and helped us cook for the Desert Cabaret even though he himself could not attend due to a prior commitment. He then stayed the night with me, and we um.. got better acquainted.

I am not sure why I did things with him on the first night, but I did, nonetheless... oh we watched Pirates of the Caribean earlier too.. it was awesome. I really like him now... well of course I do.. but I got to get to now. Well we talked and we decided to date. And things were good... and now we're doing well. Although sometimes I can't read him exactly like I'd like to... cant' tell if he's joking or serious. Usually joking, but sometimes I don't know. He's cool nonetheless, and girls are jealous of me because of his hot hair... curly.

Lamb is Tasty

Dear Jack,

Ok so today I woke up with a migraine headache. I took meds and felt better by noonish for choir, although I still felt groggy. I came back to my room after eating lunch alone... I hate eating lunch alone... I almost skipped it, but had already paid my money. I worked in the SCIS office today and overheard the Board of Trustees Meeting for Academic Affairs. It was interesting, 'cept that diversity for them means "bringing black people" to PC. Even funnier was, 'how many black people does Furman have?" They never mentioned women or gays or Buddhists. They did mention the three Chinese restaurants in Clinton... Thus they believe we have a small "china town" somewhere in Laurens. And they also mentioned Freddy as the token Latino.

After work I ate dinner with Caleb and James and a random girl that I know but do not remember her name. After dinner Teska came up for a chat. I told him how I edited my journal pre-posting to protect "innocent' friends of ours. He found it interesting. Justin and I have been chatting online, and I hope he comes by.

Oh I have to mention the double date from the other night. Dani and Teska (now dating... soooo sweet) and Justin and I went to G-Vegas to see Matrix Revolutions. I enjoyed it, but some of the others in the crew didn't. I thought it was soooo sweet that the "men" cried... Especially my sweetie. He cried when Trinity died. Justin is so sweet and sensitive. Oh and Teska cried too... Dani might have, but she covered her face in fear from the rest of the movie. She's such a chicken... Plus it invokes arms to go around her... Teska's arms of course. Before that we ate at Ruby Tuesdays, and that was good... I love Steak. It may be my favorite food. It may be. But then again I love my Thai food... And Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Indian... Hell I like all foods... 'cept for deep fried stuff. That gets old.

I might as well list the foods I loath.

I loath Ham, Sweet Potatoes, Beets, Yams, non-ruby red Grapefruit, Parsnips, I'm not big on pork in general, but I do eat sausage and bacon... But prefer non-pork on both. I may like to cook fancy, but my favorite food is still beans and franks with macaroni and Cheese.

I love Beef. BEEF IS GOOD. So is Turkey, and chicken, and goose, duck, lamb, I LOVE LAMB. LAMB IS DA BOMB. Well that's all for today. Talk to you later Jack.

A Crush?

Dear Jack,
Ok so I finally got to figure out what was wrong with Mo and me. Well not really... in all actuality we are now getting along swimmingly. Pretty much they invited me to drink and stay the night with them. It was wonderful. However there are a few questions about Andrew that have now surfaced in my mind. First he did not flirt with the girls. I could write this off that he has a girlfriend.. who is 16. He then requested to be between Mo and I in spooning on the mattresses. I didn’t mind, however was unsure how to act around him with this. He is damn attractive which really doesn’t help. Along with the fact that he is highly flamboyant, I am not sure if I can take that he is completely straight. During the night he cuddled on me. That made me feel very nice, but I didn’t want to read into it. He also refuses to refer to his girlfriend as Kara. Tonight he also made a comment about cumming during sex, and how one should pull out and come on the back... and how he couldn’t just lay in that. He’d want to clean up. Well that’s not a common straight thing to do... it is a common practice in gay sex though. He has a few other slip ups too. He wants me to join him at a tanning bed, and wants to redecorate my room. I know he is straight, and that is how I am going to think of him. I hope that he doesn’t have trouble with others. He’s a cool dude and a good friend, so of course, to quote Mo, I “worry”, as is natural. God protect him from ridicule.

One thing I must note, Dani, Daniel, Andrew and I have been spending a lot of time together. It has been pretty cool. Daniel and Andrew even stayed the night in my room last night... well on the futon. We also threw a party for Andrew the other day... for his birthday. It was pretty sweet. I took care of him while they got the stuff needed. We talked for a while.

So I should also mention Justin. He’s a freshman who is gay. He says he’s out. He’s not completely my type, but I’m not sure I’m just making excuses to save myself for Chris. I am such a fuckwit. I wish I knew what to do, who to pursue, or if anything is workable. Justin seems to be getting me pretty badly. He sent me a love letter today and I am not sure what I think. I mean I’d love to give it a swing, but I’m scared to. I mean it would be great, to have someone who cared about me romantically. WOW I don’t know how I’d act about that. But It does interest me. I also think that it might be helpful in discerning Andrew. Although I don’t want to have Andrew be the reason behind it. I wish I would just not think that about him. OK.. making a vow.. he’s straight.. leave it at that.

I am helping with the Music Department room in the Multicultural Student Union haunted house. Daniel, Dani, and Andrew are in the room with me. It is nice to spend so much time with them. Daniel and Andrew are proving to be pretty cool friends. They always seem to want to hang out, and that means a lot to me. It is a real confidence booster when you know people want to hang out with you. I know I enjoy their friendships greatly. I hope I can continue to be a good friend. And who knows? Maybe I will pursue Justin, Chris.

Board of Visitors at Kanuga

Dear Jack,
This past weekend I went to Kanuga to work for the Board of Visitors. Kristin McSwn met me at the McDonald’s by the freeway and we drove up together. It was good to get to visit with her. We didn’t have any idea what exactly to expect when we got there. All in all it was a pretty uneventful trip. I help with socials and the bar. It was a lot of fun. One story stands out and is worth repeating.

I was cleaning up one of the socials, and Jimmy Hdn, my boss, came up to me and with his father, Rev. Bob Hdn. They started talking to me about the homosexual issue in the Church going on at the present time. I could tell Jimmy had been drinking a little. But they were both very adamantly pro-gay. We talked about the polygamy in Africa and how it is hypocritical of them to stick their nose into our affairs when we let them do that in Africa. Then Jimmy’s mother and wife joined the conversation. It was almost surreal. Then Jimmy hit me with a surprise. Speaking to his family he said, “I’m not sure you know this but... (and he turned to me)... You’re gay, right Chap?” I was a little surprised he knew, but didn’t deny it. Then we started talking about the ministry and how it shouldn’t be bared and stuff like that. I ended up not having to clean up the social, as my co-workers weren’t willing to come stop me from talking with the boss. Afterwards, I went up to Jimmy to ask him where he had learned I was gay. He said he had heard it last summer and meant to talk to me. He then preceded to tell me about how his brother came out to him. It was rather touching, as he broke down to near tears. He said he wasn’t upset because of his brother being gay, or out of fear for him. He was upset that it took him so long to come out, and was so proud of him for having the courage to do so. The entire conversation was very moving.

This week I’ve gotten to know Andrew Cnnlly and Daniel Tsk a little better. They have become good friends with Mo and Dani. It is to a point where Mo doesn’t want me around because she has a crush on Andrew, and fears he may be gay, and that I may ruin things for her by helping him come out. Of course to most this sounds preposterous, but to her, I assume it makes sense. I just find it extremely frustrating. As far as I am concerned he isn’t gay. Now I have an opinion that he may be, but I’m not going to act on anything unfounded and based on stereotypes.

I have met a pretty cool person online. His name is Chris Ptrsn. He goes to Winthrop and is 19 years old. We have talked nearly every night for the past two and a half weeks... well I should say every morning... as we tend to start conversations around midnight. We have so much in common in personality and desires. The fact that we have actual goals for our lives is the biggest thing that makes me interested. He is sensitive, usually walked on, and looking for a real friendship that could turn into something else. The biggest problem is that he’s at Winthrop which is an hour and a half away, so it is virtually impossible for me to consider a real relationship of any sort. This saddens me of course, as I feel I have finally found someone that would be worth a shot. If we were in the same place or nearer to each other, things may be good for dating. I wish I could find a way to either get this to work out, or to find someone around here.

I am really feeling intimacy withdrawal. I have decided this is the best way to refer to what I feel. I don’t miss Daniel W. all that much, but I do miss the intimacy. I get the personality online, and I don’t feel the romantic feelings anymore for him. I do miss the cuddling and massages.

This weekend I’m heading home to Conyers for Fall Break. I don’t know why I’m heading there, as all my friends are elsewhere. Thus I’ll be heading home just to family. Now I’m not saying that that is bad, but it would be nice to have other than family too. Specifically I miss Joy a lot. We haven’t been able to talk in a good while and I really, really miss her. Every time she is online, I’m not. I get emails from her occasionally and learn that she is having a great time. I am so very happy for her, and especially that things are working out. I hope that I will be able to see her at least over Thanksgiving. It would be cool if I could arrange for either her to come to Conyers or me to go to Carrolton this weekend, but I don’t know how to get it with my mom and letting me use the car. So things probably won’t work out like that. Plus Joy never has her phone on, so I hardly can call her and see what the deal is.