Senior Year

Dear Jack,

Ok, so I will write about the week. I got up on Monday and all was packed up and ready to go. We drove to Presbyterian College, my mother and I. We got here around 1:30, and I went to Public Safety to get a new ID card. I then went to Res. Life to get my room key. For two hours or so I unpacked the van with my mom. Luckily my new dorm room has an elevator outside it. Caleb arrived around 3:30 and he and unloaded his and my stuff. James was already moved in. He showed up a bit later. I had to go meet Chellie W. for some international stuff, but was unable to reach her. I ended up cooking spaghetti for Caleb, James, Leiann, Tavia, and Laurel. It was all good.

Tuesday was spent with Chellie W. I helped her with the students and got to go to George’s for lunch. The new internationals seem friendly, especially Martinez from Lithuania. The Korean girls do not seem to speak English very well. After lunch I took them on a quick tour of the mighty city of Clinton. Five minutes later we arrived back at CIH so they could take some tests. I then headed back to the room so I could do some unpacking. That night Laurel and Leiann (practically inseparable) came over and put in their new DVD, The Lord of the Rings II: The Two Towers. They tended to monopolize the night and I became slightly annoyed. We ordered pizza, but Caleb and I ordered incorrectly and nearly got their wrath. Mid way through the movie Dani and Mo showed up. I think they tried to crash the party, and luckily they succeeded. I chatted with them in my room for a while before they had to return to their dormitory. I then went back into the common room and found that Caleb had been abandoned by the hobbits (as we call Leiann and Laurel from time to time) but Christina Rgrs had appeared. James entered the room and we finished the Two Towers.

Wednesday I woke up and helped Caleb and Westminster Fellowship hand out Popsicles to the new students as they arrived. We were out by 10:30. Caleb and I returned to the dorm to rest before heading to lunch at 11:15. The day was sweltering already. The weather said it was the hottest it has been this summer. Damn Dog-Days. Lunch was a Caesar salad and tomato-basil soup. The WF officers sat with us. After lunch I got some things ready for the organization fair. I made a nice booth for Scots Blue Line and then met Chellie to get the stuff for the Study Abroad booth. The fair wasn’t too bad ‘cept that we were not allowed to take the names of students. They had to remember our organization names and sign up at a booth in one section. This sucked as we were on the edge and many just left after they saw our organization. Thus we did not have many signatures (1).

From there Caleb and I went to mass at All Saints’. Leiann was the lector and I was the chalice bearer. She is going to become an Episcopalian in October. I think this is great and hope I do not harbor jealousy when she starts doing stuff instead of me. After mass we went to the cook out held for the freshmen. And from there we went back to our rooms.

Around 9:30 Caleb, Grace P., and I went to check on the freshmen of Bailey 3rd floor. I want to see if any appear to be gay, and stuff like that. Caleb wants to recruit for WF and Grace wanted to find a friend of hers. When we got there, Grace was afraid to go meet the guys. This became a hassle for me. Eventually we met two freshmen, Josh and Lewis, who seem like friendly blokes. They are both music majors, which means they will be cool friends in the end, I’m sure. I don’t think they are gay though.

From there we went back to our rooms. Upon returning to our flat, Caleb and I found we had been pranked. Our lamps had their light bulbs unscrewed, the TP was missing, stuff was moved from our rooms and put in other rooms, Caleb’s undies were in the icebox, shaving cream was upon our mirrors, and the toilets were occupied by plastic wrap. I knew exactly who did it--Dani and Mo. The big problem was that our liquor was missing also. This meant that Caleb was out $50. We found most things in the apartment but not the booze. Caleb and I hunted down the two pranksters who denied any involvement. We came home and Caleb contemplated calling Public Safety. Now if he did that, then whoever did it, meaning it to be a joke, would be in violation of the Honor Council, and could be suspended. Eventually I got Leiann and Laurel to come over and help me convince Caleb to hold off. They luckily, found the alcohol hidden in our luggage.

Today I woke up and went with Mtr. Joye to Greenville. We visited a parishioner named Tibore. He is 71 and from Hungary. Recently he has been diagnosed with cancer in the small intestine. He didn’t seem to be doing too badly, and his spirits were high. We brought communion and chatted for an hour. From there we went to lunch where I ate a nice Reuben. I learned from Mtr. Joye that she had no problem with my sexuality and neither did the church. She was concerned with how things went this past spring though. Luckily all things are getting better. I came home and went to Financial Aide and the Music Department to sign up for appointments. All of that was taken care of, or will be finished taken care of tomorrow. I came back to the dorm and started doing some work. Dani and Gwen came over and I tricked Dani into confession of the prank. She then treated us to a Salmon dinner cooked in our apartment. Caleb came home early from his meetings, but too late for dinner. Dani, Caleb, and I chatted until 10 when we watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It was pretty good.

Ok, to catch things up on the gay stuff of campus. Apparently Laurel and Leiann were observed kissing in their room by their RA and so there is a chance they may really indeed be Lesbians. They have previously denied it, but the RA came asking advice on how to handle the situation, as it would be the same as having a guy and girl living with each other. I don’t think anything should be done yet. It turns out that a guy named Jeff S. from choir came out to some of his friends over the summer. He has plans of possibly doing so here this year. It is a shame we are not each others types. Other than that, I think I’m a lone. But who knows, it’s only day 2 for the freshmen, and who knows what the future may bring.

Paige is a Cool Youth Leader

Dear Jack,

Today we went to Paige H.’s lake house with a group of people from Saint Simon’s. We mostly chatted and then dined to a feast of beef ribs, chicken, salads, beans, and such. Paige and Bob B. know about my sexuality, and it was nice to get some positive support from them. Earlier this week I went with Father Newell to do some errands and see about a CD-Rom drive for my father, as it seems lightning has taken his out. I know he knows about me because my mother told me she told him. He doesn’t know I know he knows though. It was sweet to see how he was trying to show me he supported me. I do not know, however why I never told him about me, or that I know he knows about me. I am not sure what I’m afraid of.

Tomorrow I am doing the anthem at church again. This time it is “Be Not Afraid”. Paige again sang. Dad has to go to Saint Matt’s to do their folk mass. I know I won’t miss him. He really pissed me off today. He didn’t go with us to Paige’s because he planned on doing Street Net Ministries. However, when we got home, he was sitting on the couch watching country music. This was strange as he doesn’t like country music. He then bit our heads off for daring to ask him why he didn’t go on Street Net. I am sick of this. He always treats me and especially Mom like shit. Furthermore this perpetuates itself in her not feeling good about herself even more. She suffers from depression. He does too and he doesn’t recognize his own, and refuses to investigate hers. He makes me angry enough to not want to come home. I feel much better when I’m not around him and I don’t think it’s all tied into his disdain for homosexuality.

Monday I leave for PC. I’m a little nervous, and have a lot of packing to do. I hope I maintain this journal whilst I’m there. It is a relief to do these entries.

Hausers are Gone

Dear Jack,

The picnic went well. We got pictures and have plans for getting together for Thanksgiving this year. I cannot wait.

With the election of Gene Robinson as bishop of New Hampshire, there have been already a few draw backs. First of all we have 10 families who have left St. Simon’s. I don’t know how many have left All Saints’... hopefully not any as the church is already small. Our choir director, Heather H., along with half the choir make up the majority of the families. It did not surprise me that the people who left did so. Many, the Hausers specifically, were looking for reasons to leave. If this is the reason, so be it. I was asked to help with the anthem. I did a piano version of “Shout to the Lord” with my father and Paige H. singing. It went rather well with only minimal mistakes. We did have a few new faces, and I am sure they were people trying on our church for size after hearing of our openness towards gays and lesbians.

Joy's in School

Dear Jack,

Ok, so a lot has happened, Jack. First of all I left on Wednesday with Joy to Alabama. She wanted some time to hang out before she headed off to college at the University of West Georgia. Her mom, Wanda, was none too happy about Joy’s taking over of her life and dictating her own schedule. Although, deep down, I believe Wanda is happy and very proud of Joy. Joy is not only taking initiative but also control of her life. It makes me so proud of her as a friend and “adopted” brother. She and I hung out on Thursday, and she did most of her packing. We chatted as usual. She has been such a good friend to me. It is a shame she’s not a guy. I loaded her Jeep on Friday morning. The two of us rode ahead of Wanda and Jim to the college. Joy was nervous... she only showed it when we pulled into the parking lot. I gave her a nudge, and she took charge. It nearly brought a tear to my eye. We were mostly moved in when her parents showed up. And to be true to their word, they did not have her escort them around the college. They were like two different people from when we took Joy to Wingate two years earlier. It was all a positive experience for me. Joy then drove me home to Conyers.

One thing I must mention, for it is of the utmost importance. Joy and I have made a pact with each other to work on improving ourselves. We measured all aspects of our bodies and set goals along with plans on how to reach these goals. We also examined our personal and spiritual health, and how we need to improve on these. Thus you will hear about this as we continue on this new journey together.

When I got home, I helped clean the house as quickly as possible, for, to our luck, Lynda and her family were scheduled to arrive from Missouri that night.

Unfortunately, they did not arrive until 9:30. We waited for them for dinner and headed to IHOP together. Lynda is married to John Hill. They have four children, my cousins: J.C., Landen, Morgan, and Jordan. Lynda has hair like my Dad’s. Tomorrow we have planned a picnic with them. I am to be the chef. They are going to get my Granddad from the nursing home and bring him to meet his daughter and grandchildren.

Mom's Back

Dear Jack,

I did nothing today, but relax and sleep. At around dinner time, I went to get my mom at the Airport. She was arriving from Pittsburgh where she had gone on her way to Conneaut for her High School reunion. On the way home, we had a chat about England and about Gene Robbinson. She was shocked and surprised by Dad’s approval. Apparently he had told her differently when it actually occurred. This made me think that maybe Dad was trying to open up to me, and had an inkling that I may be gay. I can never read him.

Anyway she reported on the family up in Ohio. It appears that she and her half sister have made friends again. They used to rival each other. They discovered her mother had actually been sort of playing them off of each other. It took them to this year to realize this. Luckily they have realized it, and are now getting along with each other. I then told Mom about Lynda and Dad. She was happy to hear this too. We went home and watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I think it is one of my favorite comedies right now... that and Bridget Jones Diary.

Back from Oxford

Dear Jack,

Tea was held at the Old Parson’s Hotel. It was way down the road north of The Eagle and Child. I personally thought it was overpriced for tea. So I ordered a Hot Chocolate. Afterwards we gathered in the lawn at Corpus Christi where we were served champagne by the head of the dining facilities. We had roast for dinner served with wine. I wasn’t crazy about the Sauvignon, as I am a sweet wine connoisseur.

Following dinner, all of us, but Rob and William B.(the latter went to bed), went to The Turf Pub. It is located in an ally near the Radcliff Camera. Grace M. was the big instigator of the gathering. We invaded a section of the pub. I ordered a Port. We sat and chatted for a while. A portion stayed inside the Pub, while a group of us stayed outside on the picnic tables. Eventually all joined us outside. I cannot say there was much deep conversation. The majority of it focused around the fact that Jacob H. was smoking a cigar. Many people made sure to get his photo. There were a lot of photos being taken. I felt honored in the rare cases where I was asked to be apart of the picture. Grace insisted on buying a drink for me, so I ordered another Port. She said, “After this, we can go to The Castle again.” I hoped she was right. However I knew in my heart we would not go. At 11 when the pub closed, we left en masse to find another pub which is open till 2. I knew the Castle was open. The group split... many heading back to C. C. C. so as to pack. The few of us that remained headed to the pub that was supposedly open (not the Castle). We found out that pub, however, had a cover charge. So we headed in another direction (I hoping for the Castle). Instead we ran into Drew and Alison R. There was some argument going on between the two of them. Ali stormed off, and Drew joined our crew. “Damn,” I thought, “Now we’re definitely not going to The Castle.” We headed to The Rose. It was filled, so we headed back to C. C. C. Drew headed to bed. Matt Kay and I were left to enter the courtyard to check our emails in the library. As we entered the court yard, we overheard yelling and screaming coming from Grace’s window. It was Ali. Grace had gone after her. I headed up with Matt to see what was going on. Adriana met us at the top of the stair to explain the deal.

According to Ali, Drew had said something to her for a practical joke--well supposedly he yelled and cursed at her. She felt hurt and confronted him, and they blew up at each other. About this time, Matt and I see Drew at the bottom of the stairs coming up them. Matt and I tried to wave him away, but he would not listen. He got to the top, and Adriana told him he better leave now.

He left. He followed directions... well Ali got upset cause he didn’t come in to talk to her, yet really that was what he had planned on doing, from appearances. Eventually Grace and I ended up with Ali, trying to calm her down. She had it in her mind to confront Drew. Now I know for a fact things would have turned out differently had both been sober... but with both Ali and Drew drunk... neither would be thinking correctly. Grace and I tried to convince Ali to just wait for the night. She wouldn’t hear of it and stormed down the stairs to confront Drew. Meanwhile, Adriana had gone to talk with Drew. I came downstairs to find a crew of people unsure of what’s going on. Drew came out of a different direction and denied all parts of his involvement. This sort of ticked me off. He had been apart regardless of to what degree. He tried to push it all onto Ali. Now I wasn’t there, but I know that it takes two to tango. I said nothing other than, “Be careful, the women are looking for you.”

I met up with Matt again and we headed out into the street to head back to Magpie. On the way we ran into Ali waiting for Drew to come and chat with her. Matt went to bed, Adriana and I stayed off to the side and chatted... and Drew and Ali had an all out yelling match outside Oriel College. Eventually all went to bed.

I slept little, as I had been conditioning myself for the trip home. I woke up, took a shower (used William Brrss’ shampoo as he offered), and then took my things to the courtyard to await our departure. The bus driver was very nice, and good looking. He drove up to the college. Grace and I shared a seat on the way to Gatwick. The line at Gatwick was long and warm. British Airways handed out bottled water for us. Eventually through, we went to the gate. I sat in seat 30H next to an old black man and his Irish wife. He was a nasty talking grump. Behind me was a 5 year old cry-baby who wined the entire trip back. I thought I was going to go insane. I watched Finding Nemo for the second time. It’s a pretty good movie dealing with letting go of those whom you love so they can grow up. I think it is one of Pixar’s best, so far. At the airport in Atlanta we waited for a long time in a cow-pen line. I got through without a hitch.

I couldn’t find my dad at the baggage claim however. This disturbed me as it was an hour after my landing, and he should have been there by then. Turns out he went to the wrong terminal and was about to leave, when we happened upon each other in the Atrium. We came home and chatted along the way. I was surprised to learn his approval of the gay bishop. He doesn’t “think fagots and queers are normal, but they need to be allowed in church anyways.” Now I don’t want to even un-package that statement nor my reaction to it.

At home we watched a DVD-- Bringing Down the House staring Steve Martin and Queen Latifah. I must admit Queen Latifah is becoming one of my favorite actresses. Along with Rene Zelwigger. Midway through the movie we got a very unique phone call.

“Hello, I received a letter from you in the mail, and I replied to you through email, but I wasn’t sure when you were going to check it, so I looked up your phone number,” said the caller.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about,” my Dad.

“Well, the letter says that you’re my big brother, and that you’ve got our father...”

“OH OH OH OH. YEAH!!!!”

Turns out that my uncle hand run across a letter addressed to my great aunt from my half-aunt Lynda. See, my grandpa Day was married to my Grandmother, Marilyn. He was an abusive drunk and left her. They divorced, and he married a Jeanie Miller and had two children... Lynda and Lisa. Well with him not keeping in contact with the family, we never knew my aunts. After finding him again, and reconnecting with his sister and nephews in LA, we were able to track down Lynda and Lisa. Lynda wants to come out and meet us. They live in Missouri.

Truest Part of Love

Dear Jack,

Today I woke up to the loudest sound of the people outside repaving our road. It wouldn't be so bad except that there is only 3 feet between the wall and the road!! This began at 5:30 AM when the sun came out. If you want to shut the window of course, then you die of heat exhaustion. So I woke up and laid in bed until 7:15 when I got up to take my shower.

I walked to the shower to find that my shampoo was missing. Now I don't know who would want to use my girly shampoo... so I assume the damned thing grew legs or hopped away. I have subsequently asked the usual users of the bathroom, and none of them have seen the bottle. I hope Mr. Pantene has a good life wherever he's headed to. Luckily I will be home where I have more shampoo to use tomorrow.

We had chapel again, and the music went fairly well. I have realized that the frozen chosen Presbyterians are even more frozen when their minds are not awake... thus when I led them in a sort of upbeat cheerful song of love, it sounded like a cow dying... moooooooooooo... squish. It wasn't too bad I guess, considering none of them knew it. But if it wasn't for the fact that I have heard them try to sing other songs in the morning with the Organ that were more familiar... I wouldn't be as justified.

Last night before I went to bed, I had chips with curry sauce... bad idea. The curry sauce is really a curry gravy with very little curry or flavor. Thus it was like eating chips topped with gelatinous green gew. The rubbish bin ate the rest of them.

After breakfast was class. I gave a presentation on what I plan on doing a research paper about for Psychology of Religion. Pretty much I plan on continuing research on New Religious Movement that are considered by many to be cults. In studying these movements I want to look at the psychology of the person who is converted to believe in the movements. Many cults are attributed to having mind-controlling and brainwashing tactics. I think this is something worth investigating. Furthermore I find it morbidly fascinating to look at some of these movements. I myself cannot see how one could believe in Alien's saving me, and to do so, I must kill myself. What makes someone able to believe this? And is it really so far removed from thinking that God took the form of a human, was killed, raised from the dead, and then ascended into heaven? I guess it is a challenge to myself especially when in reality Christianity is just a religion that developed from a Jewish Cult which was based on the teachings of a man claiming to have the authority of God who had a close nit group of friends and asked them to take up their crosses and follow him, when it is on a cross that he himself died. Luckily I can see big differences between the two with tactics, focus, and the purpose of the religion to not isolate ones self from the world. And the means is not justifiable for the ends, which is very important for differentiating... however there have been times in history where the means were thought of as justified.

In Hobbie's class we had a very enlightening conversation on Till We Have Faces. Specifically we discussed how people love. The narrator Orual loves in a manner that is selfish and detrimental. In listening to the conversation, I thought a lot of the relationship between Daniel and I. I realized that most of the time I was giving to him even when I didn't expect love in return. I did go through times when if I wasn't shown love I doubted his love. This wasn't fair for him, and it wasn't proper of me. I was desiring to be needed. That's what this book talks about with Orual. I was conditionally loving. Now as our relationship developed, I noticed that I wasn't expecting or feeling like I needed to be needed. Something that stuck out was that I was very happy when Daniel finally decided to not return to PC. I knew this was what he felt was best for him, and although I would miss him, he would be doing what was right. Thinking more about this made me think of a song by Stephen Schwartz. Stephen Schwartz is a modern composer for musical theatre. He has done such plays as Pippin, Purlie, Children of Eden, lyrics for Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the score for Prince of Egypt. My favorite of these is Children of Eden.

COE is a play about growing up and love. It is set in the story of Adam and Eve interacting with God who is known as "Father". Father creates a world to share his love and creates children. Adam and Eve are young, naive, and did what Father said. Yet Eve ended up growing to where she wanted to go beyond this. She ends up eating the forbidden fruit. Eve is asked to leave the garden, and Adam is left to stay unless he heats the fruit also. Adam chooses between Eve and Father and picks Eve. This shows a stage in our development with love. The Father character is not understanding for this in the movie, which is one of the flaws I see in it with Christian eyes. After leaving the garden, the two children end up becoming parents. However they want to hold their children so tight to them too. This protection and overshadowing of love ends up with Cain killing Abel out of anger with this suffocation. The next section deals with Noah and his family. Noah is Adam and Noah's wife is Eve. Cain plays Japheth. The story of growing up continues when on the ark, Noah is forced to decide what to do... he wasn't getting help from Father. Thus he had to be the Father now. He sings a song about his son Japheth who has put the boat in jeopardy by bringing on a wife who bore the mark of Cain.

Oh this son of mine, I love so well, but Oh the toll it takes
I'd give to him a garden, and keep it clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes. Woe!

He goes charging up the cliffs of life, a wreak-less mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble, I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless, and he'd still refuse to hear. Woe!

But you cannot close the acorn, once the oak begins to grow,
And you cannot close your heart to what you fear and need to know,
That the hardest part of love, Is the letting go.

As a child I found a sparrow which had fallen from it's nest
And I nursed it back to health till it was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it, then it pecked and scratched my chest--So I let it go

And I watched it fly away from me with it's bright and selfish song
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungry, and I feared it might go wrong. Woe!

But I could not close the acorn, once the oak began to grow,
And I cannot close my heart to what I fear and needed to know
That the hardest part of loves, was the letting go.

Father, upon hearing this realizes it's true to, and joins in.

For it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you on the day that they are born
They'll leave you there to cheer for them, they'll leave you there to mourn, ever so.

Like an ark upon uncharted seas, they're lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them, the crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves, is when you fear they're lost. Woe!

But you cannot close the acorn, when the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart to what you fear and need to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest part of love
Is the letting go.

The liberation of love is what is talked about. One cannot treat someone like a possession or a child. That's what I've begun to see here. I am relieved to see that I didn't do that, yet disturbed that I did put a dependency with my love. I'm glad for the experience regardless. And I'm glad I can see this.

Later today we plan on going to tea. I am not sure what after that... maybe the Castle. Who knows. We leave at 7:45 in the morning for the Airport. Woe is me.. it's nearly over!

Cambridge

Today we had breakfast early, as we were headed to Cambridge. The trip to Cambridge was two and a half hours on an un-air-conditioned bus. In Cambridge we took a Ramsey tour around the city. It is amazing to think how slow a group moves. I see why it took 40 years for Moses to take the Israelites through the wilderness. Following our timed excursion, we rode on a punting boat. I was up near the front near the punter. He was a hot-looking Frenchman who was very polite and soft spoken. It surprised me that he was not wearing underwear. I could tell this because as his pants got wet from punting, certain members became exposed. He chatted with Buz and I for the most part, although his discussion was meant for the whole boat. I did get the worst seat also, as I kept on getting sprinkled on by the punting stick. Buz tried to punt... for a beginner I guess it was not too bad. I am sure the river banks will forgive him.

After punting, I helped William Br. find McDonald’s. It wasn't too hard... but he was completely lost. We then walked around the market for a while. We stopped by the church... Saint Mary's and saw it, I'm told there is someone buried there by the name of James Day... I guess my secret of immortality has been found out... damn.

After that, we met up with the group and went to hear two theologians Brueggamen and Miller. They were involved in the book used in the Psalms class and in the translation of the NRSV. That was pretty interesting. From there, we walked around... no wait... McDonald’s came here in the day... not before. There wasn't enough time to eat before. The McDonald’s was in the basement of some building, and it had Roman ruins in the middle like a fountain garden. It was pretty cool.

After eating...for real this time, we walked to the place where the bus was to meet us. William wasn't feeling well, so we didn't go around a lot. The ride home was not too bad. There was a lot more socializing between the riders. William and I sang and chatted for a good time. We swapped ballads and nursery rhymes. I haven't enjoyed Nursery Rhymes since Joy and I used to tell them over the telephone in Ninth grade... oh the memories...

Congratulations Robinson

Dear Jack,

Today I woke up and took a shower as usual. I went to chapel and then to breakfast. I ate some cereal and a roll. I then went and checked my email. I learned this morning that Canon Gene Robinson has been officially accepted as the bishop elect of the Diocese of New Hampshire. I think this is momentous. I do not fear my own place in the Church. Yet I do recognize that there may be possible backlash with this approval. I pray that God will have mercy on all of us and will work through the fractioning of this body so that we may be resurrected anew and continue to feed His sheep. I know there is so much anger felt on the side that was conservative. I hope there is understanding and a willingness for reconciliation. That brings me to something that I think is paramount in our lives. Reconciliation. I want to revive it. I see so many places where it would be helpful for us to be in dialogs over this forgotten sacrament. In PC alone there is need for reconciliation among peers, as with any place. Yet there is also the need among varying groups such as COW and WF. I hear great things coming from the chaplain's office and hope that God will work through them.

This brings me to thinking about the life of Spectrum in the coming year. I am not an officer, and am unsure who our officers are... Grey Brooks I think. The best thing I think that we could do would be to move Spectrum under the Chaplain's office. Right now there is need of reconciliation for closeted gays and lesbians. And I know there are a few at PC. Statistically there are more than would ever come out even after leaving PC. Still there is a fear among them, I'm sure, of what and who they are. There needs to be a place of security where they can come and speak with non-judging people about this. I know that would have been helpful for myself. Yet there is not a place that is known universally on the campus. I think Spectrum can fulfill this role among many other things. Specifically if there are those who are willing to be ears for those who want to speak, then I think things will help. I heard Sheila Hill, before she left, discuss the possibility of something called Safe Rooms. The idea was to have a symbol that people could put up that would be used to signify that one can speak openly about homosexuality with the occupants of the room without fear of repercussion or exposure. T his has been something that has crossed my mind. In the olden days to help show that there was a stop on the Underground Railroad, people put lamps outside their doors. This is reminiscent of keeping your lamps burning to prepare the coming of the Bridegroom, if I understand correctly. I think using that symbol, a lamp like Aladdin's, would be a good option for a Safe Room. I just don't know who to talk about this with.

I went to class as usual. We had class outside for Psychology of Religion. I n the Inklings course, I had a very enlightening time as we discussed practicing through pretending on how to make yourself better.

After lunch, I did some emails and stuff, and then went and took a nap. It was so warm that I thought I was going to die. I have had to go to the restroom about 8 times today and this has not helped me feel cool.

At dinner we had duck. I was rather impressed with the orange glaze. Following dinner a group went about town. I got upset with Holly, blew up at her, and then left the group and did exactly what she told me to do---precisely what had made me blow up. She told me to either stop bitching or do something about it. And I got mad. And then I did something about what I was bitching about. I went to the Castle Tavern by myself. I didn't know how to react to going in by myself. I went to the bar, ordered an Archers and Lemonade and sat down to relax. I found that I couldn't though. I had been out of line, and furthermore the person with whom I was out of line with was correct with her damned advice which didn't help my damned pride.

I have decided officially to become a religion major. I think this will be the most stress relieving thing for me to do. Furthermore I enjoy religion and theology. I hope things work out well. Dr. Hobbie seems positive about this also, which is very helpful

Calling of Jeffrey

Dear Jack,

I woke up and had class as usual. I checked my email and found that there was some complications with Robinson and his election to bishop. He is accused of touching a man inappropriately. There is a full inquiry going on about this. I am interested to see what it's all about. It is a shame I must learn things a day later though.

After a quick lunch (pizza), we got on a bus to head for Stratford-upon-Avon. The bus trip wasn't too bad, as it was air-conditioned, and I had a seat to myself. Betsy sat in front of me. I am not sure why, but she comforts me with her presence. It is sort of a strange thing to have between friends. In Stratford, we took a bus tour around the basic town. We stopped at Holy Trinity Church and went inside to see where Shakespeare was buried. The church building was beautiful. We then went to his wife's house... the Anne Hathaway Cottage. It was out in a hamlet NW of Stratford. We took a walking tour through the home with a few stops at a guide inside. I learned a few things such as the origin of "a square meal", "window", and "upper crust". A square meal comes from a type of plate that was used in the Elizabethan era which was square with a carved out bowl area. The people would put a stew in it, eat it, sop up the juices with bread, lick it clean, and then set it back in the cupboard. To do this meant you had a square meal, as the plate was square. Window comes from Wind Hole where the smoke would go out through the walls. Upper Crust comes from the idea that when bread was baked, the lower half usually was burnt. Thus a roll would be cut in half, and the "better off" or more important people were given the upper crust... thus where that term came from.

After the Hathaway house, we were dropped off in the town center. We took a group photo. Then everyone dispersed. I figured I'd go to the Shakespeare birthplace. William Br., who got left behind again, came with me. The exhibit wasn't all that interesting, after seeing similar exhibits before. The house itself was very well preserved. Many of the rooms had tapestries on the walls. After touring the house, William and I went to the park by the river to eat our sack dinners. I had a rather bad tasting egg sandwich. I think it would have been better with salt and refrigeration. We then sat by two large swans sunning themselves. These swans were around three feet tall, if not bigger. We told stories to each other from different books we had read. That is something I cherish about the friendship of William. Very few others sit and just tell stories, and discuss literature. At around 7 we found the rest of the PC crew and got our tickets for the Shakespearean play we were going to see... Richard III. The theatre was not impressive. I was hoping for a Globe-styled theatre. The play was interesting for the most part. I though that some of the acting was a bit cheesy, including the death scene of Richard III where he squirms like a cockroach recently squirted with Raid. Margaret, the former queen, also was given some cheesy movements. Specifically she sits on her haunches and rocks back and forth taunting the other queens. It looked like a scary scene from a 70's porno... although I must admit that this idea comes from speculation, as I have never really seen a 70's porno. But if there are any surviving... Margaret was surely in them.

We rode the bus back around 10:45 that night. Jeffrey G. sat next to me on the way back. I had asked him to tell me about his calling. I find it interesting to see how different callings are so similar. He then asked me to share mine, which I did. Afterwards we chatted about PC and how are callings have brought us there. I think all was good. One thing that I must note is that he has a very distinct way of talking... uses "just", "you know", "like" and talks a lot about "the Lord". The first two are noteworthy as they were in replace of ums I guess. He said stuff similar too, "Things are like, just awesome for me, you know?" The second note regarding the Lord was that he said it often as a replacement for God the Father and Jesus Christ. Thus things became ambiguous for me as to what he really was saying. I think it is something interesting how different back-grounded people describe the same Being who is known to both by those differing titles.

A Change of Majors?

Dear Jack,

I woke up today with bad indigestion from the night before when we ate at the India Garden. I felt much burning pain in my rear area from the high amounts of curry that was in the food. I wanted to just hand my life over and die. I hardly know how I survived it. I did however make it to class. In Psychology we discussed the different ideas about cults and sects, and how they are present even at PC. Specifically we discussed some of the aspects of COW. I am not sure how I feel about COW. I know I do not agree with their tactics of getting people to join them. I do not agree with their beliefs about women, Catholics, and gays. Furthermore I am an introverted person for the most part and do not feel comfortable in happy-clappy, hootenanny style praise and worship stuff. I am not certain that I think the best part of a worship is centered around testimonies either. It seems that testimonies focus to much on an individual rather than on the community around, or on God. I took the fundamentalist test and found out that I apparently register high on it. I am not sure what this means, as I always thought I was rather liberal in my interpretations. Yet when I think about it, I may be liberal... however I am still strict in that my liberal interpretation is authoritative. After lunch I napped as I wasn't feeling great still. I woke up at 6:30 just in time for dinner. Dinner wasn't too bad... I think we had it before though (herb stuffed chicken).

After dinner I went over to visit Dr. Hobbie. I was sort of feeling down, but with no real reason to feel this way. I wanted to do something I guess. But there were no people with which to do it. Hobbie provided a safe place for me where I could chat and do something other than sit in my room moping about. We talked about the possible things I am going to do this coming year. As it is, I really do not think that I belong in the music department anymore. I don't want to cut ties, but I do not want to depend completely on that department, nor on Dr. Stokes. I feel very betrayed by him. If the only problem is money, than I think I will change majors this fall for the Religion Department, and go where I feel I am comfortable, and am able to be proficient. As it stands, I do not feel that I am proficient in the Music Department. With some of the classes, I almost feel like I am a hindrance to others, and many other classes I just don't care about anymore. I love music, don't get me wrong. But I do not really care which requiem was written when. Furthermore, I feel like I am on a more basic level in that form of appreciation than the other music majors. I enjoy singing. I enjoy playing organ. I don't enjoy, necessarily, the history of it all. Composition, yes. Analysis--sort of. History... zzzzzzz. Yet I love other histories such as Church History or World Civ.. World Civ. and the History of Christianity have been probably my most favorite classes at PC. Although I did also enjoy Music Theory... although I think I was alone in thinking that. Right now I feel a lot of anxiety towards Stokes. I feel hurt, angry, and unsure how to behave around him, or how to move on from what I feel he did this past year with me and my migraine problems. We talked for a long while, Hobbie and I.

We were then met at the window by Rob, Buz, Marie, and one of the two girls whose names I can't remember... their in the other class, so I don't have as much interaction with them. They wanted to have some fun...albeit it was 10:30 at night... so they took off. I decided to follow and join them. We walked around for a while, and then we headed to the Head of the River Hotel. The hotel had a bar with much outside seating. We sat around chatting for a while, and we even began to get beneath the water of basic socialization. Afterwards, when the place shut down we found an ice cream shop (open till midnight). We went in, and I ordered a cup of B 52. That is an ice cream based on Irish Crème. It wasn't too bad. We then walked around Oxford until 1. I headed home to bed so I could get my journal and Mere Christianity reading done.

Stokes Complaints

Dear Jack,

I did not sleep at all last night. My mind was on a frenzy of topics and would not shut down. Specifically recall anger at Dr. Stokes for not allowing me to sing the solo he assigned me during Choir tour. He seemed to have changed his mind on the trip, and had another person sing it instead. This really upset me then, but I held it in cause I was concerned about Daniel's well being at the time... although Daniel was upset with Stokes for that at the time too. Still now it has hit me. Why the hell did he assign the damned thing to me if he didn't intend for me to sing it? Was this part of his ideas of getting back at me for making him have to bring me? I don't know. It doesn't help as I consider changing majors this very minute. I also thought about Figs and Thistles. It really pisses me off that the CD with the work on it got lost. I am sure it reflects very poorly on me, although I had no control over it. I have most of it redone, but have a few more things to go. I questioned whether or not it would be published though. I don't know how things work, as it's a new year. And even more disturbing to me is that I don't know if I'll end up getting paid. I suppose not, but do not know how to even approach the conversation with Ramsey.

The buses did not run so we had to take a cab. Getting tight on cash did not make me feel at ease about this. Luckily all worked out. We stayed at the train station in Edinburgh for way too long. The train ride back was not a bad ride. I slept a good portion of it. The only complaint I had was the smell of some of those with whom I rode with... the English riders. My nose is too sensitive at times.

For dinner a group of us ate at the India Garden. I had a very tasty Vindaloo.. or something like that. Quite spicy, but yummy. We came back, I checked my email, and then headed to bed.

Wallace & Hobbie

Dear Jack,

The next day I woke up later than I planned. I went with Jeffrey, William, Dr. Hobbie and Dr. Ramsey. We walked to the Wallace Monument. The Wallace Monument is a gothic-looking like structure that stands atop of a wooded hill on the north end of Stirling. We climbed to the top of the structure. Several rooms were contained therein which had relevant historical stuff about William Wallace and the Scottish fight for independence. The thing I could not help but mock was that they were not independent but were apart of England. It seemed strange that so much was put into something that didn't work out. It would be like honoring Custer with a similar monument. Or King George for trying to keep the colonies. At the top, the wind blew heavily, but the view was wonderful. You could see the suspension bridge which crossed the Firth of Fourth, and Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh.

From there we went down to wait for a bus. Ramsey and Jeffrey got impatient and started walking to another bus stop. No sooner had they left, then a bus picked up William, Hobbie, and myself. It took us into the town via the north west route around the Castle base. At the bus stop, we met more of our crew, and later Ramsey and Jeffrey. We went into a cafe en mass and sat down for Fish and Chips. William let me borrow £5 until I could get back to Oxford where I had some more money.

After lunch I could not see the sense in going back to the Uni., or in going to Edinborough. Thus I accompanied Hobbie, Ramsey, and William up to the Castle. This time I did the guided tour with them, and then we walked around. It was nice to do this with people. I felt like this was a second chance.

Afterwards William and I ate at McDonald’s and then rode the bus back into the Uni. McDonald's is not great, but it is cheap. At the Uni, there were few people. I fell asleep. I awoke a time afterwards to people in the hall, but paid no heed. Eventually I got up again and tried to hunt people down to see what was going on. Jacob was with a group of girls, and a guy named Robo in the common room of Flat 1. I joined the group. We played cards and chatted for a good while. Then the other guys came home and things broke up.

I am again feeling that I do not fit in. I do not know if it is me trying to not fit in... or if I am indeed not fitting in. Regardless I don't feel comfortable around nearly all the guys, Jacob, the two Williamses, Jeffrey, and the professors excluded. I only wish I knew if I was reading into things or not.

I went to bed... or tried to sleep.

Touched by Three Angels

Dear Jack,

My main intention was to go with the professors into Edinburgh. About four-in-the-morning, I decided that I needed some time to reflect with God. This meant it would be best for me to be one on One with Him. So at eight that morning, I notified the professors that I was going to stay and go on my own. I felt that I have been rather negative. This is true, I am a pessimist who is trying to recover. I don't like being a pessimist. It makes me angry (irony?).

I slept until elevenish. I got up and walked to the bus, and rode it into Stirling. I then walked the streets for awhile thinking. I thought about where I was, what I was doing there, and what did I want to do next. I didn't want to think about the last time I was in Stirling, but that was inevitable.

The last time I was there, we stayed at the Youth Hostel next to the Church of the Holy Rude. It was with the choir tour. I remember that Daniel and Casey Robinson and myself were walking about Stirling. We entered the graveyard at the Church. Casey started behaving like a child, running through it, and dancing and doing stuff of that sort. This upset Daniel. He thought some reverence for the spot was appropriate. They ended up arguing over this. This made Daniel leave and want time alone. I remember consoling him later in our room. It really had upset him that she had no consideration for appropriate behavior. We chatted for a while and then went to dinner. He was getting sick of the immature behavior of some of the people on the trip. I was able to relate, as I am feeling the same now. I wanted so much to be able to reach out to him. He had begun to build a wall against this at that point. He didn't want to be reached out to yet. Am I building such a wall? Am I smacking the hands of those who want to help, also? I am very reminiscent of my time with Daniel, as our separation is very much a modern realization to me. Still it is very hard to deal with--and the pain is deep. As I walked through the graveyard yet again, I prayed. I hoped that Daniel was doing well. I asked for strength to move on. To get out of the rut I feel that I have gotten myself into. I wanted to enjoy things now on my own, as I did with him. I didn't want to feel regretful that things were over. I wanted peace. PEACE!!!.

I left the graveyard, and headed up to the Castle. I walked through the castle on my own. It was very lovely, but I felt like I needed my friends. Or just someone to physically relate with. Someone to share my insights and marvels. I had only God, and He doesn't always respond.

I walked down past the graveyard to the Old Jail. I went in briefly, but there were too many people. Too few---too many. All strangers. The streets around me seemed like a cavernous tunnel which suffocated my spirit. I wanted to leave this place...leave the sadness and soar out. Yet I felt that any wings I had, were surely made of wax and would melt. I got on the bus and headed back to the University.

I was at the University all of 30 minutes when Ali, Sarah, and Adriana returned from their adventures in Edinburgh. They invited me to join them for dinner. Taken aback by such a friendly invitation after feeling so cold and alone, I accepted without a thought. We walked to the bus stop, hopped on and headed into town with the intention of eating at the Subway. When we arrived in town we were upset to learn that the Subway had already closed for the night...only 7PM. Brits eat at weird times apparently.

We found an Italian bistro on Friars Street, entered and were seated immediately. Then something happened. I felt God. He was there with us...going between us. I was safe, and comfortable with friends. Yet I didn't hardly know a thing about any of them. This was the opportunity. We took three and a half hours to eat. This time was spent sharing our lives with each other. It wasn't petty stuff. It was good wholesome conversation...not always wholesome, but real. God had answered a prayer, and I felt glad that I had recognized the opportunity. The food was the best that I had eaten on the trip, yet there was nothing that really should have stood out to make it all that good. It was with good people. People with whom I let down my guard and let them in.

We returned back to the “uni.”, and I realized that things on my budget were getting low. The logical thing to do when money gets tight, call home. So I did. Mom was the only one there. I found out that my uncle Derry was back in Jail. Joe was still in Jail awaiting a hearing. Kris had been given orders and was now going to be sent to Iraq. I love how when I call home I get bombarded with bad news. That's usually how things are there. It is probably why I am so quick to pick up on the negative...well conditioned for it. Furthermore I learned that I'd have to call back when dad returned from work to ask about money, because Mom was strapped as it was. That's usually how it is there too, so no big shock. I told my mom I loved her, and ended the phone call.

I went back to my room and fell asleep immediately.

Journey North

Dear Jack,

Well I could not get to sleep last night. I ended up staying up the entire night. I started my laundry and chatted on the instant messenger for a good portion of the time. I am rather disappointed with the laundry, as it did not come as clean as I had hoped. Specifically, I have a grease spot on one of my shirts which is still there.

On Instant Messenger I spoke with Adrian N. Now Adrian hasn't been at PC since freshman year. We have kept in touch over IM and chat often. He has recently been in a relationship with a girl who ended up dropping him for a drug habit. This has really hurt him. He has always been a bit wild with his life, and I have found amusement in hearing some of the things he has done when drinking. Well this particular night I got into a unique conversation with him. I don't know how to explain it really, but it sort of has made me uneasy...not necessarily in a bad way, but not necessarily in a good way either. I am uncertain how I feel about the conversation in all basic terms. I'll describe it.

First off he started off by saying hi, and I returned the sentiments. We chatted about small stuff like where we are and how the day's been. Then he asked, "Do you masturbate?" I answered honestly and he informed me of his habits. He then shared how he was also masturbating at the current time. I asked if I should give him some time to finish and chat later. He said he would prefer to chat that it did not bother him. I admit that this made my mind think. Next he asked details about my masturbatory procedures and times, etc., and he offered his own experience. I was turned on by the conversation, yet uncertain as to how realistic this conversation was. It is not a common thing for me to talk about with my friends. Still he persisted and started talking about how he liked playing with his ass when he did it. He talked about the pleasures he felt. He then asked me if I could relate, being gay. I can't honestly say I relate to the extent that he shared, but could imagine what he meant. From there he started talking about how he'd like to get a dildo. This was a rather strange comment coming from a supposedly heterosexual friend. I told him he could probably get one online, if he wanted. He was afraid of what his mother would think about it and asked if I would purchase it for him, and he'd come up to PC and pick it up. I do not have a problem ordering such a thing, but did not know if it would be a good thing to do per say for him. He then discussed how he at times fantasized about being with a man. He had many questions about his feelings, and I did not know how to answer them. I think I was unsure if he was pulling my leg or serious.

Had I been more certain about his seriousness I would probably have been able to react quicker. What it boils down to is that he feels like he needs to experiment with his sexuality. He is unsure how to do that. He then proposed that I help him with that. Now I must admit I was flattered and would love to do this. Yet there is a part of me that says very adamantly, “NO!”. I blew off this offer with, "you're just a tease" and told him I wouldn't mind it, but he's probably not thinking clearly. I said if he wanted I'd help him with getting a dildo. Now I did not say I wasn't interested, and gave the impression that I was. And I am, to an extent. I am uneasy however with what is appropriate. That is where the problem really comes. I do not want to do something for sex and sex alone. I think that is wrong. However I do not know how I feel about sexual stuff between people that isn't per say sex itself. Furthermore, I do feel it is wrong for a heterosexual to have homosexual sex. I do not know what he is, and do not want to open doors into something that is not good for him. Thus I am left in confusion over what to do. He is my friend regardless and I don't want to hurt him, furthermore I don't want to get hurt in the process. I think the best thing would be to have further dialog with him about his feelings and see how I can support him in a non-sexual manner. If anything including a relationship were to develop...that wouldn't be my goal but a side effect of helping a dear friend.

After chatting with Adrian and a few other friends (I believe Joy was online for a while too) I went down and chatted with the porter. This was around three AM. The guy seems like a jolly fellow, and although I did not get his name, I feel like he has been one of the best people that I've spoken with since I've been here. Our conversation wasn't water-buggy movies and shopping conversations. We talked of politics, religion, fears, sex. That was a good thing to finally have--a real conversation. I despise continual water-bug conversations that never get into the meat of what people really believe or don't believe. I feel like time is wasted, and that friendship is wasted. If all one spends time discussing is the trivial joys of a spoiled life, I find it hard that much substance will remain in the friendship. It is when people are able to share how they feel unabashedly, that there is a connection. Experience is helpful, yet communication and relationship is what is needed. I cannot connect to someone discussing who the biggest bad-ass in a movie is.

The rest of my group awoke around 4:30, and we met at 5:30 and walked to the train depot. William Br. forgot to pack his backpack again. I really feel sorry for the boy at times, because he tries so hard and then realizes he's forgotten something that he kept on saying he better not forget. He's probably my closest friend on the trip. I enjoy his company and simplicity. Very rarely is he devious, and his conversations are always heartfelt and never reserved. The best thing about William is he's compassionate for those in need. Specifically he brought a roll for me on the day I had my migraine, so that I had something to eat. Others offered sympathy, which I appreciate, and others even less. William discusses being a priest one day. I think that might be a good vocation for him, and if he chooses to do so, may God bless him with it.

The train ride was long, but I slept most of it. In Stirling, we rode a bus and finally walked the rest of the way to our apartments. I got a little peeved with Matt. He was put in one flat, and then moved to the other. His excuse was to make things easier. Logically speaking that meant more of a strain on the other apartment which had 6 of 7 tenants. Albeit unfair to him, I do not think that was his true motive. I think his true motive was that he did not want to be the only person whom he felt was "in" on our side. The professors are on a league of their own, I have few things in common with him, and Jeffrey tends to stick with the professors. I have no problem with him wanting to be with friends, but I do not like being insulted with fictional reasoning such as "It would be easier." That insults my intelligence and further shows a lack of respect of my own dignity. Grrrr... Just peeves me. Furthermore, that “in” group then proceeded to leave poor William Br. He wanted to go with them and they plain-out left him. Their loss. William came with Jeffrey, the Professors and Freys, and myself. We went into Stirling, found a restaurant, The Red Lion Hotel Restaurant, and ate a wonderful meal. I had haggis for an appetizer, and it was wonderful. We then returned back to Stirling University for the night.